36 weeks 4 days

This will, most likely, be my last post here before our little runt arrives. That is his new nickname. Runt. I'll get to that, trust me.

My blood pressure is doing okay. I guess I would call it stable-ly elevated. I've pretty much stayed in the 149/90 range for the last few weeks without many problems. The persistent headaches continue, and swelling has increased drastically, but the perinatologist has assured me that it's fine.

My blood sugars, which have been elevated recently, have dipped back down to acceptable levels, which makes me wonder if the placenta's integrity isn't an issue now, but that doesn't even really matter now, because our baby will be here Tuesday. His eviction noticed was signed nearly a week and a half ago.

He's repositioned himself back head down, and I have dilated to 2cms thus far, so we are continuing with our induction, rather than a Cesarean at this point in time. However, given baby's current condition, that could still be our end result, unfortunately.

Amnio fluids are still measuring high. Higher, in fact, than they have been. Initial levels that I was aware of were 18cm. A week later, those levels were down to 16cm. They have since increased to 21cm. Too much further beyond where we are now is dangerous and calls for immediate delivery at this point in pregnancy, however, his eviction notice has already been singed, so it's moot at this point.

As of my last posting, at 34 weeks, our baby was measuring 4lbs 3oz and was just under the 10th percentile (9th) for his gestational age.

As of yesterday, 36 weeks 3 days, our baby's growth curve has dropped even further than where it was previously. His estimated weight is between 4lbs 8oz and 4lbs 11oz. His abdominal measuring puts him below the fifth percentile (4.85th percentile). His head measurement was in the 6th percentile and his femur measuring was just below the 3rd percentile. Overall, they consider the abdominal measurement the one to watch. At the 3rd percentile on an abdominal measurement, they would want to deliver immediately. At this point in time, our baby will most likely NOT be breaking the 5lb mark. He is truly the 'runt' of my children, who have all weighed in at greater than 8lbs 6oz.

This particular ultrasound was done in the OB's office, and in my experience, they have a tendency to give 'extra' and over project compared to the ultrasounds that I get at the peri's office. Anyway, after my OB got the report, she literally dropped everything and walked out to go do a phone consult with my perinatologist. He is going to see me tomorrow (Friday) for my regular visit, where I will have another growth ultrasound to basically do the BPP we always do, and to confirm the accuracy of the ultrasound that I had Wednesday with the OB. The perinatologist assured us that it was safe to wait until my already scheduled induction on Tuesday morning. He said he actually prefers to wait until 37 weeks gestation strictly for lung maturity's sake if at all possible. As long as I am stable, and baby is scoring 8/8 on his BPP's and NST's it's okay to wait. The OB said, she'd have LIKED to take him Wednesday, and absolutely would have, had the Peri not assured her that it was fine to let me go a few more days, at the very least, to my appointment with him Friday. At which point we will be re-evaluated with the new ultrasounds and tests, to make sure that we can make it through the weekend. He will let her know if someone needs to see me on Monday or not, or if my induction needs to be bumped up to Monday morning instead of Tuesday morning. Unfortunately, inductions are not done at hospitals around here on the weekends, otherwise I would be going in on Saturday night. My mom flies in from Seattle and arrives in Austin on Saturday at 4:30, so that is the earliest that I would be comfortable doing it, unless it was an emergency. Technically, it's not emergent, but it is a very fine line that we are walking right now....and dare I say, my balance is not that great!!!!

I think the only GOOD news we got this week was that my Group B Strep test came back negative, so I do not need to spend four hours hanging out getting IV antibiotics.

I have been advised, that in the event that my water breaks between now and Tuesday morning, at 5am, that I am to immediately go to the ER so they can take me up to labor and delivery. I am not allowed to wait around and see what happens due to the fact that baby is so small, that he could, quite literally, arrive in one unintentional push. Scary to think, due to the fact that if my water DOES break, I'm going to be pretty well dilated at that point, and without the epidural to slow my labor, and his size, I could very likely have a delivery even more rapid than my third was. From the time my water broke with him, until he was out, it was an hour and 46 minutes. I have to get down three flights of stairs and make it the 20 minute drive across town without delivering in the suburban LOL

Currently, we have about a 90% chance of needing to be transferred to another hospital upon delivery. Our hospital does not have a NICU, but they are equipped to care for babies at 35 weeks with no issues. The neonatal pediatricians and nurses that work in our hospital actually circulate between the local LEVEL 2 and LEVEL 3 NICUs in our area. With our hospital though babies having lung problems have to be transported. At 37 weeks, we won't know until he's here without an amniocentesis, what his lung development looks like. Also, babies having low blood sugar issues also have to be transported. Given my diabetes, he most likely WILL have blood sugar issues.

Babies needing transportation, go to one of two hospitals. Dell Children's, meaning he would have to go by himself until I'm discharged, due to the fact that they do not have maternity suites for moms, or Seton NW, meaning we BOTH would be transported together, because they DO have maternity suites for moms. My OB assured me that she would do everything in her power to have us sent to Seton NW in the event that we have to transport so that we can stay together. Especially since I breastfeed exclusively and we both agree that breastmilk for babies is THE BEST thing, especially in premature infants and infants with issues such as our baby has.

Overall, I'm absolutely terrified. I wish it was Tuesday evening already. That our baby was here. That all the hard decisions had already happened and we could just get the show on the road already. I have thrown myself into researching IUGR and have read everything that I possibly can so far, something that I continue to do. IUGR babies struggle for YEARS to catch up with their peers, which is discouraging. The only encouraging thing that I've read so far is that IUGR babies tend to thrive REALLY well once they are born. They are used to living in a hostile environment and once the strain is off of them, they just do really well!

We will not know until after delivery what the actual cause of the IUGR is, and we really might never know. The most targetable thing we can settle on right now is the fact that my diabetes and my pregnancy induced high blood pressure are both known causes of IUGR. Other possible causes in my case are thing like chromosomal abnormalities, something that we did not test for. Or placental abnormalities, something that we will not know until we see the placenta and possibly have it analyzed.

Anyhow, one way, or another, the newest addition to our family will arrive some time on Tuesday at the latest.

I'll leave you with this....it's a side by side picture of my youngest son, and the new baby. They look so much alike, at this point, that they could be twins! I can't wait to see how the runt compares to his brother once he's here.

34 weeks 2 days

Yesterday was a really hard day for me to deal with emotionally. I don't usually go to my prenatal visits alone, but I didn't really have a choice about it yesterday. It was just a followup visit from Friday, so that we could check on baby again and go over my BP and make sure we were good to go until this next Friday. I really didn't see it as that big a deal, so I was okay with it.

My blood sugars have been wonky. They are supposed to increase the further along you get in pregnancy. The peri and I discussed a fast acting insulin for my meals, but he wants to see my numbers again on Friday to make a decision on them.

My blood pressure is still on the higher side, but it's not as concerning as it was on Friday. It was 141/91, which he was happy enough with to let it slide until my next visit. It's not super out of control and there's still no/little protein in my urine, so things are okay.

The real devastation, was learning that our little one, who has been in the head down position for the last five weeks, has rotated to a full on footling breech at 34 weeks.

Amnio fluid levels still look good. On the higher side of the normal range, but good none the less. His growth is concerning to me, but given the fact that I was so very upset about his being breech, I didn't stick around to ask a lot of questions regarding his lack of weight gain. He measured 4lbs 3oz, which puts him under the 10th percentile now.

After a lengthy discussion with baby's daddy, we've decided NOT to do anything.

I am struggling to "accept the things you cannot change".

We feel very passionately that babies know, by nature, how to come out on their own, and if they don't, there is a reason for it. Given his growth issues, and now this, something deep inside of me, tells me that there is a reason for his being breech now. That something is WRONG and he's in the position he is in because a c-section is going to be in his best interest. He has a couple more weeks in which to turn himself, but we have decided against turning him manually.

I can successfully rotate him myself, and I have the option of doing an external version (ECV) at 37 weeks in the peri's office. But for us, the risks related to those things are too high.

ECV's only have about a 50% success rate. Being done in the Peri's office means that I'm not going to be medicated against any type of pain from the procedure, and they can be VERY painful. There is a chance that something can go wrong during the procedure, and I would have to be rushed to have an emergency c-section anyway. ECV's, if successful, should be followed immidiately by an induction. If they aren't, there is a risk that a stubborn baby will turn themselves back into the breech position.

I could easily attempt to rotate him on my own, with the spinning babies techniques, and most likely I would be successful. However, this nagging feeling that something is WRONG tells me, us, not to. If something truely IS wrong, it's most likely a cord wrapping issue. If I do it myself at home and he flips because I made him, he could die. That would kill me. I'm a very strong woman. I'm not shy to admit that. But I'm pretty sure, this late in the pregnancy, that if something like that happened, I would probably check out mentally and not come back from it. I'm at max capacity right now mentally and that would literally send me over the deep end. Rotating him isn't worth the risk to him OR myself.

If it is a cord issue, even if I was to get him rotated, or rotated through an ECV, he wouldn't be deliverable vaginally anyway, and I would still end up with a C-section.

So really, our only option right now is to wait for him to rotate on his own, knowing that he probably won't and that I will be having a c-section.

I know that women have c-sections every day. I have prepared myself for EMERGENCIES while in labor. I know things go wrong with vaginal births and inductions all the time. I'm okay with that.

I was NOT prepared, at 34 weeks, to go into things thinking that I could have a c-section because my baby was breech. He was in the position he was supposed to be in until I delivered.

There is still time for him to turn. There is still room for him to turn. The question is, is he going to or not?

Only time will tell.

I wonder if I can get a complimentary tummy tuck while they are cutting around down there? "Hey doc, while you've got that scalpel in your hand, could you maybe take 10 inches off my abdomen so I don't have that fat roll anymore?! mKaythanks <3" oh, and "Hey, I know it's not okay with the catholics for you to do my tubal ligation in their hospital, but do you think you could do it on the down low while you're in there??" LOL

34 weeks

Things are going much better on the family front. All the kids have gotten better from their respective illnesses. Momma is still sick however. And it has NOT been fun. Coughing until you puke, and then puking till you almost crap yourself has been one of several highlights on the week's reel.

Our little one has been VERY active these last few weeks. It has been a struggle to keep him on monitors for NSTs and Ultrasounds.

Friday afternoon and evening were extremely chaotic. I spent the evening in Labor and Delivery at the request of both my perinatologist AND my OB.

During my ultrasound with the temporary-peri, the baby's heart rate was extremely elevated for a period. At this point in pregnancy a baby's heart rate should flux from around 138 at a resting rate, to 180 at an active rate. Our little one's heart rate reached well into the 200 range at one point in time and made everyone extremely nervous. There was question as to whether my horrible cough has been causing him too much stress or not. While I was at the hospital on the monitor, you could visually see how much pressure was occurring....If you know anything about watching contractions on a monitor, well into active labor, your contractions will reach the 50 and up range, and a resting abdominal pressure will most likely be somewhere between 3 and 15 depending on where the sensor is positioned. Just coughing, the tension in my abdomen was well into the 60 range. All I could think was "Dear god, my cough is giving the baby a heart attack." Literally my abdominal muscles are strained right now. Not from pregnancy but from tensing up and coughing so that I don't lose my bladder!!

I also had some blood pressures that were alarming to the temp-peri. Were I NOT medicated, those BPs would have been substantially higher than they were. Needless to say, the OB let me come home, with no specific orders.

Baby's heart rate rose during levels of activity and dropped during periods of inactivity. Had his heart rate dropped during active times, that would have been cause for concern. Also my blood pressure stayed relatively close to the 140/90 range and not overly concerning. My blood work all came back great, as did my urine sample. I also had a chest x-ray while I was there, to make sure I didn't have a visible lung infection and everything looked great.

So baby will continue to cook a little longer. Monday afternoon I will see my Peri again, then Wednesday I will see my OB, and again Friday I will see the Peri again. I HOPE that he doesn't want to see me twice a week now, and give me three total appointments a week. I'm not sure that my already busy schedule can take much more.

I have to admit, I maintained my composure very well. Until I was left alone in the hospital. It wasn't until after I got off the phone with little man's daddy that I started to lose my grip. Then the tears fell, albeit briefly. At this point....while 34 weeks is early, I know he would be fine, whatever happens. I really just could not hold it in anymore. I wasn't sure if they would be keeping me at that point. If I would go on bedrest. If I would have to have an emergency c-section. It was kind of scary. I hate not being in control, and in those moments, I only knew the different scenarios that COULD happen.

I spent the morning doing some research and paying closer attention to my body. While my severe mold allergies are a big issue, I think that there are some other factors at work. I have this 'hairy' sensation in the way back of my throat. Like I swallowed some hair and it's stuck. It turns out, that sensation can be caused by things like GERD and severe acid reflux. And what do pregnant women get really bad in pregnancy? Heartburn. Acid Reflux. I've had it every pregnancy and apparently this is the worst. I switched out my heartburn meds for a different kind, and actually got a little bit of relief. I've only had about five near puking episodes with coughing today, so it has been a little better. Not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but better. I'm going to stick with the alternative med for a while and see if it helps.

I've also been having some serious issues with my blood sugar. I am well aware that things go awry the further into pregnancy you get. Now that I'm nearing the end, everything is fubar'ed. My two hour tests are 30 or more points above where they should be. My fasting levels are going nuts. I don't know what the peri is going to do with me now. He could put me on a fast acting insulin to bring those numbers down, or he might let it slide for a little while longer.

No matter what happens, I'm just going to be glad when this baby is here and I can worry LESS about all this stuff that was once unimportant before. It's stressing me out.



Those visible stretch marks are all from previous pregnancies. No new ones yet!! LOL

32 weeks 6 days

It has been a really rough week. I'm not going to sugar coat it.

I'll start at the bottom and work my way up.

Our 20 month old little man was sick this week. He woke up screaming at midnight with a 102.6 fever. Then he puked all over the sofa. It's cream. His puke, was not. THAT was fun. He slept in our room for two nights and had such a momma cling on him that I couldn't even put him down. He has NEVER been like that. He's a daddy's boy. No idea what was wrong with him. Fever was almost gone in 24 hours and he's doing fine now. He's finding all sorts of new words and things to say, and he despises pancakes, but LOVES cake, and plums too.

Next kid up, my nearly 7 year old son. He has SERIOUS issues. (ADHD, Bipolar and now ODD have been the Dx so far) He finally got seen by a new psych here in Texas this week since our move. He's been un-medicaited since May. The pharmacy doesn't stock his new medication, so they have to order it. They still haven't called and it's been five days. We are going to do combination med-therapy on him, in addition to individual therapy for him. We are also going to be starting family therapy after the baby comes. We have had a really hard time functioning as a family unit, for a variety of reasons. It is unbelievably difficult to 'blend' a family, while having a crazy child and not losing your mind. Please, factor in my pregnancy hormones LOL Let's not even get into the fact that he has been stealing protein mix out of dad's container at night, and shit himself in the middle of the night this week and got poop all over the bathroom too. Or that he also wiped his shitty little fingers all over the bedroom walls, the sheets, the blankets, the pillows and the carpet in his room. Yeah, that was a FUN night.

It's my daughter's birthday today. She's 9 this year. She's been ill for the last two days. Her tummy hurts. She has diarrhea. She went to bed early, on her own, last night and she didn't eat her breakfast this morning. I'm going to put off buying her cake for a few days, until she's feeling better.

My oldest son had been sick for going on three weeks. I finally had a panic attack about this persistent cough he's had, and took him to the peds. I thought he might have whooping cough. He doesn't. He had walking pneumonia. He had to have a breathing treatment twice in the office. He was on meds, steroids and an inhaler for a week....then he had some chest x-rays which came back perfect. He's still using the inhaler. The ped thinks he might have combination asthma and allergies. If he's still using the inhaler in two weeks, I need to take him back in to see the ped. He seems fine now and the insane coughing has subsided.

The man has been ill for a few days now too. Upset tummy, cough, irritated throat, body aches....basically the whole 9 yards and a little of what everyone else in the house has had.

I've also been extremely sick. Last week my perinatologist gave me a zpack, like they put my son on for his walking pneumonia. I've had the exact same symptoms that he's had, so I was hopeful that meds would be the end of it. It wasn't. I couldn't breathe. At all. I dug through the closet, in full out panic, only to find two empty inhalers and one expired. That's how infrequently I have needed those babies. Ended up using the expired one and still didn't get better. I was coughing until I puked and nearly peed myself every time. The coughing caused some uterine irritability and I began having a lot of contractions. I had to go see a regular doctor through my OB's group practice. He said that I have something known as reactive airway disease. I've also got horrible allergies to whatever happens to be floating around here in Texas' air. And bronchitis. He gave me a steroid and some nasal spray. The steroid knocked me straight out after I took it, and then I pretty much had a panic attack the next day because I couldn't remember feeling baby move at all. (He's fine!)

My horrible cough still continues. Thursday the OB I saw, since my OB was booked, gave me a new inahler, some inhaled steroids, and told me to take claritin and Robitussin. That crap, combined, all seems like it's starting to work. Some. Texas officially hates me. I have to admit, I'm not really that fond of IT either.

I had another ultrasound at my OB appointment. Still no pictures. Baby is head down and facing my back, we literally couldn't even see his face. He's in perfect position for delivery though, which makes me happy. I also had my first NST. Everything is looking good on that end.

My blood sugars are CRAP right now. The steroids that I'm on are messing with the levels really bad and there's really nothing that I can do about it at this point. Hopefully when I come off the meds, things will go back to the way they were before I went on them. Otherwise the peri is going to have to put me on a fast acting insulin in addition to my overnight insulin.

Blood pressure and urine look good at my appointment on Thursday. Everything else seems okay. Baby has only gained about 3 ounces this week, which is slightly distressing to me, given the fact that at this point in pregnancy he should have gained at LEAST 8oz (half a pound a week). I have two more ultrasounds next week. One with the OB on Wednesday, and another with the Peri on Friday. He was 3lbs 10oz the last time I saw the Peri, so if he's growing the way he SHOULD be, he should be about 4lbs 10oz at next Friday's BPP. Obviously his growth, or lack there of, is still concerning me. Not that it is a big shocker or anything. I am still carrying REALLY small. I could still pass for five months pregnant at this point, easily. I could probably even still hide the fact that I'm even pregnant if I really wanted to.

Yesterday I had to take the kids to the orthodontist in Austin. It's a good thing that I had someone with me. They were WAY behind yesterday and I ended up sitting there about an hour longer than I'd expected. My blood sugar dropped very quickly and I didn't have anything to snack on (my bad!)and I didn't realize there was a problem until it was too late (I was at 51 before they even called me back to schedule appointments for next visits). By the time we got out of there, I almost couldn't walk. We managed to make it to Taco Bell where I got a Pepsi and something to eat, but it was already too late. After I ate, I basically blacked out I guess, and don't remember anything between about 11:30am and 3pm....when I woke up in my bed. No idea how we got home, no idea how I got up the stairs or in the bed, just that I was IN the bed. Kind of scary.

31 weeks 5 days

We had another appointment today, this time with the perinatologist. I cannot express how much I adore Sam. He really is a fantastic doctor and his bedside manner is wonderful.

So far, things are going pretty good. Blood pressure is within acceptable levels. No sugar or protein in my urine. He's not concerned about my blood sugars AT ALL. And didn't say a word about my cinnamon roll, or brownie notes. In fact, we laughed about it. "Back away from me, I am eating the damn brownie!!" LOL

I did have to toss out my old bottle of insulin and start using a new one. I think that has helped to lower my fasting numbers a little bit. The other bottle was more than a month old. I don't know if they 'go bad' but it seemed like my numbers were remaining elevated, but came down again as soon as I switched bottles, which is kind of weird, but maybe that's normal. I don't have anyone to ask, so I don't know.

The baby is doing GREAT. He's measuring 3lbs 10oz via ultrasound, which is the 29th percentile, which is totally acceptable and within baby's normal range for this pregnancy anyway. This puts him at approximately 6lbs 10oz at 38 weeks, which is what we are now aiming for at this point in the game.

I've booked the remainder of my appointments out for the pregnancy for the most part. I will be having an amniocentesis done at the end of August, two days before my 37 week mark, so that we can check baby's lung development.

Baring any further complications, we are aiming for that 38 week point. He said it was perfectly safe for us to go to that point, which is literally the only time that we have available to have this baby, without forcing me to be in labor ALONE. Being alone to have this baby is literally one of my biggest fears. Without someone to watch the other kids, that is what would happen. If we were able to take baby out at 37 weeks, and lung development wasn't an issue, we 'could' do that. However, because of my mother's previously arranged plans, she has a very narrow window of opportunity to be here for us, from out of state, to take care of the other kids so that I'm NOT alone during the labor and delivery. It's better for us to push the pregnancy another week, if we can, for lung development, and to assure my not delivering alone. Something that has caused an extreme amount of anxiety for me, not to mention countless tears.

So the plan, at this point, is to take baby out some time between Sept 6th and Sept 9th. We are keeping our fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly between now and then. Personally, I'm NOT worried about delivering early. I have yet to go into labor on my own, or have my water break on it's own either. My last pregnancy was the exception. My midwife stripped my membranes and then I started leaking, but wasn't aware of it until two days later, when they brought me in for the induction and she asked me if I'd been leaking and I told her I thought it was PEE!!!

We are not at all concerned about the baby getting 'TOO BIG' at that point in the pregnancy....even though mother's with diabetes or gestational diabetes run the risk of having babies in the 10lb range. Given baby's current size, there's just not a concern that he will get anywhere NEAR 9lbs, which, for me, would mean a c-section. There's just no other way around it. My pelvis literally cannot accommodate a baby of that size. 6 1/2 to 7 1/2lbs is perfectly do'able for us.

The ultrasound (BPP - Biophysical profile and NST - Non-Stress Test) went REALLY well. Baby was SO active that she had a hard time getting the readings for his heart and his cord because he kept moving and then it would blip off. She said they would have been much more concerned if he was moving LESS! He is going to be a busy little guy, that's for sure.

Here's a couple of 3D pictures. He looks just like Matty, that's for sure. I can't wait to kiss those little cheekies.

31 weeks 4 days

Yesterday was a long day from the word go!

I had my second appointment with my OB scheduled for 11:10. They got me back in the room and I waited more than an HOUR for her to come in. I usually don't tolerate waiting well, but I did it because I 'get' the fact that she is an OB and delivers babies half her day in the hospital next door. And one day, she will be dropping everything to run down and deliver ME.

We went over my birth control issues again. I REALLY need to have a tubal ligation, however our hospital is owned by the catholic hospital and they are not allowed to do tubal ligations at this hospital. Without my being 110% positive in my desire to do the tubal, it's just something that we are not ready to do yet anyway. Also, with my being diabetic, the infection risk of having ANY type of implant or foreign object inside of my body is too great to make it a viable option. IUDs are out, the implant is out. The essure procedure is out, as is any clamping of my tubes with titanium, or silicone clamps or clips. Meaning when I DO have a tubal ligation, it has to be the old fashioned cut, tied in a knot and burned type of tubal, where no foreign objects are left in my body.

Due to my getting pregnant, consistently on the traditional hormonal birth control pills, I am not able to take them. I would literally just get pregnant again, even with my diligence of taking my pills on an alarm every single day. She refuses to do the DEPO shot on anyone who isn't a skinny 12-13 year old girl. I didn't get into it, I would really only have taken the DEPO shot as a LAST alternative. Due to allergies, latex, spermicides, foams and such are not something that I can use. I exceed the weight capacity on the patch.

That basically leaves me with three options. Abstinence. Which is NEVER going to happen in this lifetime, nor my virgin alter ego's lifetime. My partner getting a vasectomy....which goes back to the fact that we aren't 110% positive that we wouldn't change our minds later. And something called the NuvaRing. The NuvaRing is safe while breastfeeding, so the NuvaRing is it, and what I will be using post-partum.

After several other necessary discussions, including bruises and injuries that aren't healing, questions about who does the circumcisions and when, and some stuff about weaning off of my fasting insulin, and a few other things....I spent another 20 or so minutes making my appointments for the next six weeks, which include an NST, an ultrasound and an OB check at each visit. Then I literally had to RUN to my next appointment over at the hospital (at 12:45) so that I could make it in time. I didn't have a chance to eat lunch until almost 3pm, and was feeling seriously ill by that time because my sugars were so low. Anyway, I had my EKG and Echo cardiogram. According to the gal that did it, everything looked good, but we will still be waiting on a report from the radiologist.

Baby sounds good. Urine was fine, so no protein or sugar issues this week. Blood pressure was VERY good in the office too. My next appointment will be tomorrow, with the perinatologist in Austin.

30 weeks 3 days

I had another appointment with my perinatologist today.

Baby is doing GREAT. His weight on ultrasound was 3lbs 3oz, putting him in the 33rd percentile, which is up from the 26th percentile that he was two weeks ago. That news is such a relief!

He's moving lots, getting his practice breaths in, and his little bladder is full again too....thus all the hiccups I've been feeling from him (including right this minute LOL)

Thankfully, with the help of http://spinningbabies.com/ I was able to get him turned around again. He's no longer in the breech position and is now head down. Hopefully he stays that way, because I'm really tired of standing on my head. And I pulled my butt muscle doing it. Let me tell you though, I'd rather pull my gluteus maximus 10 times over, than have to go through an c-section ANY day!!

The peri wants me to be seen twice weekly now. I'll be seeing him once, and Dr Holley, my OB, for the other visit.

Starting tonight I have to increase my insulin by two more units. Not a big deal considering I'm going to be at 16 units and some women are at around 200 units for the entire DAY.

My blood pressure is up, but it is not at such a concerning level that he feels the need to increase my meds yet. They are going to set me up with someone that comes out to the house a couple times a week to take my blood pressure so I can be monitored more closely. For now, I just have to deal with the headaches and the swelling again for a little while.

My weight still looks great, I actually lost two pounds since my last visit. This puts me at a 13 pound baby gain, but I'm still at a 29lb loss for the entire pregnancy. Literally, my physical profile from week 22 compared to week 29, hasn't even changed. I don't look any more pregnant now, than I did then.



Both doctors now agree that a 37 week induction is the game plan with me having diabetes, high blood pressure and a history of large babies, even at 39 weeks. This means that I now have LESS THAN SEVEN WEEKS before baby will be here. And I'm ready. I've got everything I need now. The diaper bag is stocked, the diaper caddy is ready. He's got enough clothes washed, dried, folded and put away to last him the first three months, then I will have to pull some more boxes out and probably buy a few more things. But I am ready. Clear down to q-tips, gauze and vasoline.

I started taking my Evening Primrose Oil (EPO) last night orally. Hopefully I will be all ready to go cervically when induction time comes. In LESS THAN SEVEN WEEKS.

I started (and finished) baby's first blanket and layette set this last week. It's a soft blue color that daddy picked out. I picked up some white the other day and I completed the sweater for set number two and just started on the blanket for it last night.



Oh, and for the record, NO we have not officially decided on his name yet. But we do have a couple of serious options on the table and just need to nail down exact one we are going to use.

29 weeks 4 days

I had another ultrasound last week. Baby was measuring 2lbs 3oz at 28 weeks 4 days. He was head down and everything looked good.

Today I had an ultrasound with my new OB. Baby is now breech transverse again. His rump is in my pelvis, his head is on my left side and he's playing with his toes. Hopefully he gets back to where he's supposed to be soon.

I'm going to be tested for Group B Strep at my 34 week appointment, since the baby has to come out early. GBS testing is usually done around 36 weeks.

She wrote on my chart that I was to have a 37 week induction.

She also wanted to see me next week, but since I see my Perinatologist next week, she's going to wait to see me again in two weeks because she doesn't want me having too many appointments in a week LOL Which means I will actually be having Biophysical Profiles (BPPs) and Non-Stress Tests (NSTs) Every week, starting NOW.

I really love her. She is an awesome doctor. Her nurses are wonderful. The ladies at the front desk are great. It's a real classy facility and I feel much more comfortable there than I did at the last office which was like "public health" and left MUCH to be desired.

The blood pressure headache is starting to return between pills, and I woke up this morning with swollen lips again. We will see how many more mornings I can make that happen. My Perinatologist might have to up my BP meds again. My fasting numbers are also on the rise again, so my insulin will probably also have to go up soon.

Other than that, Baby is looking good. He's gained a little weight (but that's questionable given the fact that it's not the same ultrasound machine), and I have gained NO weight. Which actually makes me happy LOL

Oh, Dr Holley has also referred me for my EKG and Echocardiogram which the OTHER doctor was SUPPOSED to do WEEKS ago. They have to hunt down an opthamologist for my eye exam though. And I was supposed to do some labs today, but somehow they got forgotten as I was the LAST patient there today LOL

Kidney Stones and My New OB 27w6d

The last several days have been exciting, to say the very least.

From day one, I knew that my new OB's office in TX was NOT going to be a good fit for me. That point was taken to heart and well proven over the last few days. Several other choices I have made as a patient were also supported.

All day Wednesday I was feeling 'off' so to speak. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I knew that something wasn't right.

Wednesday evening the man went to softball practice. I didn't go, because I just wasn't feeling that good. Even though the temperatures outside had dropped about 10 degrees, I just couldn't bring myself to go anywhere. I opted to stay home with the kids. I'd taken a lengthy nap that afternoon and he actually had to wake me up before he left. About 15 minutes after he left, I got up to use the bathroom and was peeing straight blood. I knew then that I was having a kidney stone issue or a severe kidney infection. I wasn't in pain, but I knew it was serious. I tried to call him on his cell phone, but he didn't answer. I called out to my OB's office then. It was 7:30, and already after business hours. The on call OB, Dr Phelps called me back and he advised me to go to labor and delivery.

I spent the next hour and a half, calling the man, attempting to get him on the phone to come home and take me to the hospital. Bare in mind, I'm not in pain at this point, but in serious panic. I go ahead and send the kids to bed, knowing that I'm going to have to drive myself to the hospital, 40 minutes away, once he gets home. I drink 24 ounces of water, hoping it will help with the cramping that has started now.

Shortly after 9pm, he calls me and asks me what is going on. He had 27 missed calls from me. His phone was on the charger in the truck. He came home and then he told me to call him and let him know what was going on as I was leaving. I said "whatever" and left. Yes, I was pissed. I'm pregnant. Your phone should be on you. What if my water broke in the two hours you were gone and I delivered the baby and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. WHAT THEN? IDIOT.

I reach the hospital around 10pm. They call labor and delivery and I wait for someone to come and get me. I get a gown on, I leave a urine sample. The nurse asks me if I'm having any pains. I tell her that I'm having mild contractions, but I'm okay at this point minus a cramping feeling in my right side. I inform her that I've had kidney stones twice before, that I'm 99% positive that THAT is what this is and that I need some pyridium and probably an antibiotic at this point. They hook me up to the monitor to watch baby. I have a couple of contractions and then everything stops. Baby looks fine. I go through the registration process which takes nearly two hours. The nurse checks my urine and says I have trace protein, and that I've maxed out the blood on her dipstick. It stops at 250. She apparently speaks to the doctor, and comes back and says they are discharging me.

The guy did NOTHING for me. No IV fluids to help flush the stone out. No ultrasound to confirm the presence of a stone. No meds to soothe my urinary tract to help with the pain. No NOTHING. I was told to call my provider in the morning so that she could give me an ultrasound to check on the stone.

What the fuck ever. I leave to go home, and arrive there around 1am.

By 2am I am thriving in pain. Literally screaming in agony it is so bad. The man wanted to take me back to the hospital and I refused to go again. He was FURIOUS at the doctor for doing NOTHING. The doctor didn't even come and SEE me, even though he was at the hospital.

Around 4am, after 3-25mg benadryl's I finally fall asleep. I get up at 7:30 with a continuing dull ache in my right side.

I call the OB's office and tell them that I was at Labor and Delivery the night before and that I have to be seen. That I have a kidney stone, that I need meds and an ultrasound.

She gives me a 10:10 appointment. I wake everyone in the house up, so that we can go. The man refuses to get up. I have sat with him for HOURS ON END, TIME AND TIME AGAIN at doctor's appointments and hospitals, and his back hurts so he doesn't want to go. I was LIVID. I took the my oldest son with me, because he had an appointment with the orthodontist at 1:30 in Austin and I didn't know if I would make it back in time to pick him up.

I arrive at the clinic and then we wait in the waiting room for at least 30 minutes, then back in the office another 40 minutes or so before my OB finally comes in. She doesn't understand why the on-call OB didn't at least give me fluids. She gives me pyridium to help with the pain in the urinary tract and tells me that there is really nothing they can do but wait for the stone to pass. I get it, I'm pregnant. At least she gave me the perscription for the pyridium. She SHOULD have done an ultrasound, but didn't. She sent my urine off to the lab to see if I needed antibiotics, and sent me on my way.

The rest of the day, I spend in and out of random bathrooms because any urine in my bladder AT ALL is irritating. I get my son to the orthodontist. I get back into town and stop at Walmart to pick up my perscription. I stop at the dental office to see about them pulling one of my son's teeth that needs to be pulled before the braces can go on. They want to see him at 9am the next morning. Then we go home. Through all of this, I'm still angry at the man for not being with me when I needed him to be. I get home, I'm still hruting, but whatever, life goes on.

About 8pm, I'm DYING. Puking because the pain is so intense. I was ready to cut my bladder out with a steak knife. I felt like I was stabbed in the back on my right side. I was having hard contractions and screaming and crying again. I got up, got dressed and literally could not even stand upright I was in so much pain. I screamed and cried all the way down three flights of stairs. I don't waste time calling the piece of shit OB this time. The man takes me straight to the local hospital, which is eight minutes away comes back home with the kids after the ER staff gets me in the back and he's sure they are going to take care of me. I scream and cry for another hour before they finish with the ultrasound on my entire urinary tract and the baby. They were digging the damn probe into my kidney and making me hurt even worse. They admit me shortly midnight and give me a huge dose of morphine.

Within 10 minutes of being upstairs in labor and delivery, the on-call OB for the hospital is in my room. We go through my history, my high risk status, my previous pregnancy. There is a stone, right above my bladder, on my right side. It is still in the tube and that is why it's hurting so bad. It's having a hard time getting into my bladder. She is completely shocked that they did NOTHING for me at the visit the night before, because the other hospital is supposed to be a really good one. She's sorry I'm in pain, but she's glad I came back, and to a different hospital.

The severe pain fades overnight. She sends me home around lunch time with shit ton of narcotics. Enough to kill an elephant. I'm supposed to watch for the stone, and come in if the pain gets worse, of if I start to develope an infection. Burning urination etc. So far, I'm clean for an infection, which is great news. Baby still looks good. No contractions since the pain meds and pyridium are taking care of the irritation being caused to baby and my uterus.

Dr. Holley, the on-call OB who saw me, is now MY OB. I called yesterday afternoon when we got home and canceled my oppointment with the other OB clinic and let them know that I would NOT be returning. That they were completely incompetent. That Dr Phelp's bedside manner was SHIT and that I could have DIED because of his stupid mistakes and failure to give me an ultrasound to investigate where my stone was at. Had I had a full out blockage, I could have gotten sepsis and DIED! All the while they said there was 'nothing we can do'. I was severely dehydrated and that is what was causing the contractions. I could have lost my baby because of THEM. That I would NEVER recommend their practice to ANYONE I knew.

I'm still in a fair amount of pain. Still waiting for the stone to pass. Today pretty much went with me getting up around 8am, yelling at one of the kids for some reason I couldn't remember later, taking another round of pain meds, sitting at the computer for 30 minutes before the med kicked in, then crawling back in bed and sleeping until 2pm. I haven't taken more meds yet, and the pain is ever present, but I would really like to get some sleep tonight, at a normal time.

Overall, I'm really happy that I have a new OB. She is fantastic. She met all the kids and the man. They all liked her too. No more driving 40 minutes away to see a public health style doctor who doesn't really give a shit about their patients. No more wasted gas. No more wasted time. And our new hospital is better than the other one. The nurses are just as nice and everyone will be a lot happier in the end.

I also get to continue seeing my perinatologist, because Dr Holley refers ALL of her high risk patients to him. He is THAT GOOD. :)

27 weeks 1 day

Great news, the increase on my blood pressure medicine must be working. I'm only really having a headache first thing when I wake up in the morning. Also, no more face or lip swelling since the increase! WOOHOO! I can't check my BP, because insurance won't cover a cuff and I can't buy a new one yet, but I took my BP in the grocery store today and it was 119/78, which is GREAT!!

I completed my 24 hour urine collection and the rest of my blood tests this morning, but I'm pretty sure my urine will be clean, because I bought some keytone strips and have been testing my urine at home LOL

I need to call and talk to the nurse about upping my insulin at night time again, from 12 to 14 units. My fasting levels are starting to creep up again, and have been for four days running. I see that there is an every three weeks pattern going on LOL

Saturday I get to go and spend the entire day at my OB's office doing some seven hour long prenatal workshop so I can earn a voucher for a free carseat. I'm not super excited about this. I've given birth four times already. Things haven't changed since the last time other than the fact that I'm high risk and get more attention this time. Whatever. Beggers can't be choosers. I'm not getting a shower and I'm pretty sure baby won't get any gifts either, so at least we will get something we are going to NEED purchased, or at least at a discounted rate.

I made about two hours worth of phone calls today. Apparently here in the great state of Texas, everything really is bigger, including foreskin....because insurance here covers circumcisons. The last baby was covered under his daddy on Tricare, which surprised me. My oldest two boys had to be paid for in cash. Good times.

Other than that, things are going okay.

I am entering panic mode about my delivery. I'm alone here in TX, with no one, other than my partner for support. That kind of puts us in a sticky situation as far as my delivery goes. Either we find some stranger to watch our four kids for 12-18 hours while I labor and give birth, or I do this all alone. I'm trying not to get hysterical over the prospect of giving birth alone. Or having a c-section alone. I'm trying not to think about the fact that I could go in to have an emergency c-section and DIE and not have the man I love, or ANYONE who loves me by my side. I'm trying to ignore the fact that shit like that happens to me. The stuff nobody thinks could ever happen, happens to me LOL. I don't want to have my baby alone. I don't want to share those moments with a strange nurse and a doctor that probably isn't even going to be my own because they are a revolving practice that rotates who is 'on call'. Mentally, it's a huge challenge for me right now to keep my head on straight. I wish I had close friends or family here. I wish I was home in Washington. I wish I was having a home birth and none of the hospital crap even mattered. I wish there was someone that could put their life on hold for a day and either be there with me, or take care of my kids....and there is just not. Anyone. I think that is the toughest pill that I have had to swallow yet. Far tougher than making the leap to move across the country, out of my home state, for the first time EVER.

26 weeks 3 days

I had my appointment with the perinatologist today.

They did an ultrasound to check baby's movement and his breathing. Baby is taking some regular practice breaths, which they can see with the rise and fall of the diaphram.

Baby looks good. Placenta looks good. Cord looks good.

I have to stop by the lab tomorrow after my OB appointment (I was exhausted today and it was too hot to stop again!) They are going to run some labs on me (CBC and Metabolic panel). We are also going to do another 24 hour urine collection to check for protein and creatinine.

He's upping my BP med to twice a day. That should help with the headaches. If I'm not feeling better in a week and the headaches and swelling are still going on, then I need to call and they will either up me again or we will try a new med.

He also wrote me out a prescription for a blood pressure cuff/machine since my old one is now fubar'ed. If my insurance happens to not cover it, they have a program where they can send a nurse out once a take to take my BP and do a urine collection daily so that I don't have to come in every day or be in the hospital.

I'm to continue to try my best to stay off my feet as much as possible, but I'm NOT on specific bed rest at this time. And NO HOSPITAL. YAY!!!!

He's not worried about the face swelling (weird) or the three week long headache (because it goes away when my BP is down).

We are going to watch me super close now, not that we weren't already though.

I will have another big ultrasound in two weeks to check out baby's size to see if he's growing more or not. Since there are some concerns about his size and possible IUGR (interuterine growth restriction). If his growth percentile starts to decrease, we could have a problem, but he looks good right now, even though he's tiny.

As far as my diabetes, my blood sugar looks FANTASTIC.

I did mention to him that I'm really not feeling good, and when I don't feel good, I tend to eat whatever I want to, even if I'm not supposed to. In a "Get the fuck away from me, I'm eating the damn brownies and I don't care what you have to say about it" kind of way. I only have SO MUCH self control and the more stressed or anxious I am right now, the less able I am to handle controlling what I put in my mouth. He didn't give me the green light to eat whatever I want, but he said my numbers look good and he's not worried if I have to eat some brownies LOL

As far as my weight gain goes, I'm up four pounds since my last visit two weeks ago. I had that massive weight loss, so I'm still down 37lbs, but I've gained 6lbs from my all time low. Which is really good. At least I'm not losing MORE. It's the brownies I tell you!!!! Six pounds of brownies, straight to my thighs and ass!!! LOL

Tomorrow's checkup with the Parinatologist.

Tomorrow is my 26 week checkup with the Perinatologist.

I have to say, I'm not super duper excited about this.

My blood presure has continued to rise back up to my normal levels since I initially started taking my BP medication (procardia) two weeks ago.

The pain in my head has increased to the extent that it continues for all but about two hours in the morning after I take my medication and basically throbs to the extent that this evening I can hear my heart beating within my head. There is no sleeping it off as I have often done with the headaches I got prior to pregnancy, it just continues on it's merry way without thinking twice about ME.

The swelling in my lip area is now starting to extend to the area round my mouth each morning and it is a nightmare to look in the mirror every morning not knowing what I might find 'this time'.

I have tried my damndest to stay in bed on my left side, or on the sofa with my feet as far up as I can get them. I have avoided leaving the house at nearly all costs, with few exceptions, particularly for financial reasons with the intent to secure my family prior to the impending doom of hospital bedrest that I know is on the horizon.

The man and I have had several very frank conversations and tend to agree that the best route, at this point, would probably be hospital bedrest, and while we are certainly not happy about it, we know that it's the right thing to do for baby and I. So if, or when, it needs to be done, it's something we wouldn't resist. Even if it's tomorrow. He is worried now. You can see it in his face. It breaks my heart and makes me cry to know how he is feeling. That there is NOTHING that he can do to fix it, or me, or make sure this baby is okay.

I have managed to get a few newborn and preemie items to start us off once baby finally comes home. We got the diaper bag, and the carseat.....the rest we will manage while baby is still in the NICU.



Mentally, I'm starting to crack. I know that baby will be okay, I'm just not sure that *I* will be okay. I'm scared. Genuinely. And I'm pretty much having an internal panic attack about it. And I feel pretty alone in all of this right now. I know there are a few people who are supportive from a distance, but physically, it is lonely here dealing with all of this.

We have been open and honest with the kids about the posibility of me being hospitalized and the fact that I am really sick. I'm not sure that they understand completely, but they do know that momma always does what is right and for the right reasons and that we will all manage to somehow get through this.

Today, the cuff on my blood pressure monitor burst on my arm. We went to Walgreens, unfortunately they do not sell replacement cuffs. We had a lengthy conversation with the pharmacist about my condition and she tended to agree, that were she my doctor, she'd admit me at this point.

Having someone agree, scares me. Knowing that my body is going to kill this baby, or it will kill me, is eating me up inside. I feel like my body is a failure. I feel like I have failed as a woman, to protect and carry this child. I felt quite similarly when I miscarried. And knowing that this is the LAST child, because my body can't do it anymore....while I'm not READY to be done, also eats me up inside. My body has taken the choices away from me. I want to kick, and scream, have a tantrum and cry. It's a lot to accept in one swallow.

Did I mention how bad my head hurts? And that pain won't go away until my blood pressure comes down, and even then, the reprieve will only last a few hours.

I desperately need to make it to the 32 week mark. 27 weeks is in sight.

After my ultrasound tomorrow, if baby hasn't grown, or something else happens, they might just take him out. Then we will shift on to new worries, I'm sure. We just don't know what is going to happen right now. Not knowing is the worst. Mommies shouldn't have to deal with this stuff. Ever. Their bodies should just do the right thing. And I have accepted enough of the UNKNOWN this year. In this lifetime. I'm not sure that I can cope with MORE right now.

26 weeks

Today marks 26 weeks for me, and I can assure you, I am mostly dreading my visit Wednesday morning with the perinatologist.

I'm pretty certain that based on my BP's this last week that the medication is failing to control my BP adaquitely enough. It makes me wonder exactly how high my BP would be WITHOUT the medication though.

I've awoken every single morning in the last week with swelling in my lips, along with a little numbness and tingling. Some days are substantially worse than others. Strangely enough, it seems to go away within a few hours of awakening. My entire face is not swelling, but my lips most certainly are.



The swelling in my hands is very minimal. Noticeable to me, but not outlandish. And the swelling in my ankles...or cankles as the man has referred to them now, is worst in the afternoon, even if I haven't been out in the heat or up and about.

I've also noted the onset of that throbbing headache that begins some time in the afternoon, doesn't go away with tylenol and continues until about an hour or so after I've taken my BP med again in the morning.

I've had some spotty disturbances with my vision in the afternoon to late evening but it is still going away within a few minutes. It's not hanging around, so that makes me feel better.

I know that it is definately time for another 24 hour urine collection. And probably for an increase in my BP meds. Beyond that, I'm not sure what is going to happen.

I certainly hate my body right now. It's doing everything that it can to reject this baby. And that's just not cool with me.

One thing rest very certainly in my heart right now though. That is the fact that I know, in the end, he will be JUST fine, no matter what happens to end this pregnancy. I know this, because every pregnancy I have carried a child, someone in the family has died, and my baby ends up fine. Just last night, that happened.

There is no sadness, no grief, no feeling of loss. The family drama was far too deep for that. I have learned one lesson, and that is that I will not do the same. I will stand by MY family, my children, my grandchildren, my great grandchildren and protect them when it is necessary for me to do so. Blood will always be thicker than water for me.

Were I able to travel the 2500 miles back to Washington right now, I would not. I do wish I was a fly on the wall right now though, to watch the fight that happens over her possessions. Her daughters at least, are petty, greedy and despicable. They have plotted for years about who would get what. Maybe I'm just in the mood for a little hair pulling, face slapping, nail scratching, bitch fight. LOL I'm glad my father will at least do the honorable thing, hold his head high and walk away.

25 weeks

Emotionally, I have somehow managed, thus far, to hold it all together. Maybe that is my way of inadvertently trying to reassure my partner that everything will be okay, when everything is going horribly wrong right now. He actually has no clue as to how serious things are. He knows what is going on, but he just doesn't grasp the depth. I'd rather keep him oblivious, for all of our sakes. LOL

I am, and have always been, a woman of strength. I vent a lot of things about the struggles that I am having after the strain of carrying it all has taken me over the limit. I vent it off, and somehow, beyond what I even knew I was capable of dealing with, I manage to carry on. I manage to keep calm during the daily challenges by setting everything aside. I set aside the emotions and basically do a mental 'check out' with whatever I had to set aside. THAT is how I have managed to survive.

As the days go by though, the gravity of the situation right now is really starting to clamp down harder on me.

I spoke with my mother on the phone last night. She has laryngitis. She's not in pain at all, but her voice sounds horrible. When I started talking to her about the baby and my condition right now, and she responded....her voice cracked and it almost sounded like she was speaking through tears and was in pain....not by the fact that her voice is messed up due to illness, but out of genuine worry, concern, and pain for me. In that moment, I couldn't hold back the tears that silently streamed down my cheeks.

In these moments, I'm glad that there is no one here, face to face, to speak with me about such things. I would not be able to keep myself together. I would much rather shed my tears alone, than further bear my soul for an audience. I would not want anyone to be burdened by such a situation either, so I'm kind of glad that there is no one close at hand.

I awoke this morning with a some swelling in my face. My lower lip in particular, was noticeably swollen when I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. While my blood pressure has been fine today, and only the most moderate of swelling is visible on my hands and feet...I still worry.

I spent most of my day in bed, which was strange, given the fact that I didn't even get out of bed until 10:30 this morning. I napped for about four hours, assisted with dinner, and have been lying on the couch ever since, watching movies. I drank as much water as I could, which was apparent enough by the 50 visits to the bathroom I made today. I'm certain that I over-exerted myself yesterday, but it was necessary that we spend three hours in Austin tying up some loose ends.

Two hours from now marks week 25 and baby's survival rate increases to 50%. That fact provides me with a small bit of comfort...but doesn't soothe the soul quite completely enough.

Beyond that, beyond baby, I am still struggling to accept the fact that this is the end. That the choice to have more children has been made for me. By my own body. It's kind of the enemy right now! LOL

In the coming weeks, I plan on venturing out to pick up a few preemie outfits and a few baby supplies that need to be replenished. Diaper cream, baby shampoo, some more lotion, cotton balls, vaseline...you know the things I mean....

The bassinette will be pulled out, the sheets washed, receiving blankets washed, burp rags located, washed and folded....I have to be prepared, because there will not be time later. Nesting will start early....even if he doesn't come home right away. He will come home. He will.

24 weeks 4 days

24 weeks. Viability. We have achieved viability. It's a milestone that every expectant mother anticipates meeting. Some never achieve it, and many are born shortly after. Every day counts.

That is kind of where we are right now. Every single day matters.

This week my perinatologist increased my insulin dosage to 12 units of insulin per night. It has worked wonderfully, and I'm now within the acceptable range that they want me to be with my fasting numbers.

I was also put on a second medication for my blood pressure and taken off of the first medication due to an allergic reaction. The biggest side effect of this medication is the dizziness that it causes. I woke up this morning at 3AM to the WORST case of the spins that I have EVER experienced. Put yourself on the spaceship ride that is at the fair, called The Gravitron and ride it for several hours. I literally did not have the ability to roll over in bed and make it to the bathroom by myself it was so bad. Thankfully the intensity of the spins have worn off some and things are more or less just swaying back and forth now rather than full on spinning. Although, it did NOT help the nausea that I experienced this morning. I'm supposed to give it through the weekend, and if it doesn't go away, they are going to try me on a third medication.

I had an 'anatomy scan' today. Basically it's like a regular ultrasound, only a little more in-depth. The doctor wanted to look at each of baby's fingers and toes and do complete measurements again.

The BEST news we have, is that the baby's heart is still looking great.

The baby is still very tiny though. He is still measuring about two weeks behind. His weight is 1lb 5oz, which puts him in the 25th percentile. The largest we can hope for him to get is approximately 7 1/2 lbs, but probably closer to 6 1/2. This is a little unsettling for me, and I was worried that there was something that I had done, but the doctor just reassured me that he was still within normal range, even though he was tiny, and that nothing I have done, or haven't done, could have caused him to be so tiny. I have ALWAYS had big babies. My smallest baby was 8lbs 6ozs. Everyone else was bigger than that. It feels WRONG for him to be tiny.

We want to keep baby in the 25th percentile. If, during my next scan, he is at all below the 25th, we will worry about growth restriction and other things that could possibly be going on.

My target right now is 34 weeks. That is the point we would like to achieve at the least. Ideally, I will make it to 36 or 38 weeks.

The situation with my blood pressure right now is much more concerning than my diabetes. I was told, straight up, that I have about a 1 in 3 chance of developing pre-eclampsia due to my pre-existing conditions. Right now, my blood pressure can be stabilized with medication. The headaches are moderate, my swelling is minimal, and my 24 hour urine collection was 159 for protein and that doesn't get concerning until we are nearing the 300 level, which is grounds for an immediate c-section, no matter where you are in your pregnancy.

I'm currently seeing my perinatologist every two weeks, and my ob/gyn once a month. The further along I get, or however worse my condition becomes, I will be seeing doctors more and more regularly. Within the next month, I will be seeing someone once a week. Nearing the end of my pregnancy, I will be seeing someone probably 3 times a week.

Mentally, I am still pretty content with knowing all of this information. Knowing the statistics. Knowing the risk factors. Knowing the consequences of premature birth. It makes me sad knowing there is not much that I can do, but at the same time, I'm still really grateful that we have the best doctor that we could possibly have right now. And he's not afraid to answer the VERY tough questions that I sometimes present to him. I can be a difficult person to deal with, and it's hard to be put on the spot sometimes, especially when you are dealing with an emotional pregnant woman to boot and don't really know what to expect from her LOL

23 weeks 4 days

After a week's worth of home monitoring of my blood pressure, the doctor called me and has decided that my blood pressure is consistently elevated and that I needed to start taking medication. I will be taking a medication called Labetalol twice a day, starting tonight. Ultimately, I am thankful that we can go the medication route instead of going straight to bed rest like my OB/GYN suggested would happen. I cannot imagine being a full time mother of four and being on bed rest for the next 3 1/2 months or so.

I was also given a supply of insulin and syringes. I have to inject myself with insulin at bedtime to bring my fasting numbers down. At this point, it is highly likely that the dosage, which is currently 10 units, will have to be increased over the remainder of my pregnancy. Most pregnant women with gestational diabetes will generally have to have their insulin needs increased around their 30th week due to placenta and fetal grown, increased resistance hormones, and increased speed of insulin breakdown.

Currently, this particular insulin is one that works over a long period of time, basically an extended release. The nurse said it does NOT carry the same risk as the Glyburide does in the sense of sugars dropping too low in the middle of the night and possible death, which was a relief for my heart and mind!! She also said it will start working INSTANTLY. I won't have to wait 3 or more days to figure out if my body is going to have an issue with it, or if it's going to work at all.

I am confident that no matter what happens, that I am possibly in the best hands that I could EVER be in. I didn't know it at the time, but my doctor is basically the BEST doctor in this area for me. He was actually appointed Medical Director of High Risk Ultrasound and Fetal Testing for an entire group of hospitals in our area, which includes five hospitals. It goes a long ways, knowing that your doctor is competent.

My next baby appointment is with him on the second, for an ultrasound and followup. I'm sure there will be other tests done at that time too now, considering the medication addition and the fact that now I will need to be monitored even more closely.

Until then....one more day at a time.

22 weeks 4 days

I had my second visit with the perinatologist two days ago.

I stabilized my weight for two weeks, and actually gained one pound, but I'm really not going to count it, because I'm pretty sure that in two more weeks, it will be gone again LOL

All my lab work that the perinatologist had done, including my 24 hour urine, came back great.

My blood pressure is under observation now. Since the babydaddy has high blood pressure, we have a machine at the house. I will be taking my blood pressures twice a day for the next two weeks, and bringing the results in to the perinatologist when I go back in. When I was there, my BP was in the 140/95 range.  Some of my home tests have been SUBSTANTIALLY higher than that. 180/98 and even 191/101.

Today in the OB's office, it was 133/98 (any first number over 140 is suspect, and any second number 90 and above is suspect according to the standards for pregnancy). So even though my first number had dropped some, my second number was still considered high. I'm also dumping protien in my urine and have the accompanying headaches. Which basically signals pre-eclampsia, but they don't like to actually diagnose it until the third trimester. The third trimester technically begins at 26 weeks. Anything that begins between the 20th and 32nd week is considered 'early onset'. Most likely, they will not try and medicate me for the high blood pressure. They will put me on bedrest, monitor me more closely and make me do 24 hour urine's once a week or so to monitor the protien.

The perinatologists wants me to have another ultrasound in two weeks (June 2nd). I will have my first Non-stress test (NST) at 32 weeks. I also need to have an EKG done on my heart, and have an eye exam done to make sure that having diabetes hasn't damaged my heart or my eyes during my pregnancy.

I was also told that I will be induced some time between my 36th and 38th week, depending on when my cervix is ready. I walked around dialated to 4cms for a month prior to my induction with my last baby at 39 weeks, so most likely they will be taking the baby around my 36th week and he will end up in the NICU for a little while to make sure he's okay. Which means all the stuff that goes along with that. Like steroid injections for the baby to make sure his lungs are developed in utero before they deliver me.

If my blood pressure insists on continuing to be an issue, and I have to be on bedrest, and being on bedrest does not help my blood pressure levels, I could end up on hospital bedrest, or having an even earlier delivery than at 36weeks. Considering the fact that I've had four babies before this one, and as well versed as I am via experience and research, I am aware of most of the consequences this could have on our baby. The only cure for pregnancy related high blood pressure is DELIVERY. The survival rate for girls born premature is much better than for boys born premature, as well as the consequences. They can't quite explain it, but it's the way it is. I won't bore you with any more of the morbid details, it is what it is, but I have every intention on keeping this baby right where he belongs at least until that 36 week mark.

That is what is going on with baby and I right now. We are just taking it one day at a time.

Oh, and we have a name, but we aren't telling. :-p

20 weeks 3 days

I've started the 20th week of my pregnancy.

My blood pressure is high, but we've attributed that to the fact that I am in some pretty severe pain right now. Several years ago, I had several falls with knee impact type injuries. I saw a public health doctor at the time, who didn't really explain things to me, but put me in knee braces for three weeks. I never went back to the doctor. My bad, I know. The injury never healed right and is occasionally aggravated (say, by climbing up and down three flights of stairs five times in one day) and then I pay for it. At this point in time, I'm barely getting around. Every movement is painful. I can't roll over in bed without being in pain right now. Yes, it's that bad that I'm spending most of my time in bed anymore, and I have been going like this for more than two weeks. The problem is, is that I can't consistently stay off of my feet. There are four kids in my house and someone has to take care of them, including jumping up and down to get after a toddler every two to five minutes. Since I don't have insurance at this point in time, I'm really just struggling through it. Due to the fact that I'm pregnant, I can really only take Tylenol for the pain, and we all KNOW that stuff doesn't work when a person is at the level of pain that I am at now. Without seeing the doctor, we can't pinpoint EXACTLY what my problem is, which means it can't be solved. Right now, we are ALL in medical limbo though. My daughter needs to have her braces maintained, or removed, and needed to have it done about three weeks ago. One of my sons is supposed to be medicated for his ADHD and other issues, and ran out of medication three days ago. Apparently two of the kids need MORE immunizations for school because Texas has different immunization requirements than Washington does, so they might not be able to go to school soon. It's scary, and really difficult, to be a family, with children, especially children with medical or dental needs, and not have medical.

Anyway, back to me, and my pregnancy. I saw my new Perinatologiest yesterday. He is young. 35 years old. And has the most insanely beautiful blue eyes a girl has ever seen! We had a lengthy discussion about my diabetes. He feels, that it's highly probable that I am NOT diabetic. That I have something called "insulin resistance'. However, because I am pregnant, we have to treat me like I have gestational diabetes anyway. About three months after I have the baby, I will have to do another one hour glucose test and we will re-evaluate whether or not I am ACTUALLY diabetic.

I lost five more pounds in the last two weeks. That brings my total weight loss to 43lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight and puts me at 311lbs. Given my weight, he's still not concerned about the weight loss, but he WOULD like me to stop losing weight. Something that is really beyond my control right now. Given the fact that I can barely WALK right now, it's not like I'm exercising either. When you cut sugars and carbohydrates almost completely out of your diet though, you have to expect that to have some impact on your weight. It's not like I can just eat a bunch of fatty foods to prevent me from losing weight. Those fatty foods are mostly carbohydrate, sugar based, foods. It is literally impossible for me to GAIN and still follow the diabetic diet.

I had an ultrasound yesterday too. The baby is measuring small. I was 20.2 and baby was measuring 18.4-18.6. I have NEVER had a baby measure small. My babies have all measured bigger than their dates in the past.I suppose that is why I am five MONTHS pregnant and I don't look pregnant at ALL. I literally look exactly the same as I did before I was pregnant. Baby's heart looks good, which is really good considering my diabetes issue. Heart conditions in the baby are one of the big things that happen in babies with mothers that have diabetes. Our baby having a normal heart is comforting.

We also found out that we are having another boy. We have not broke the news to the kids yet, but have managed to tell most of the important people in our lives.

Emotionally, I'm feeling really mixed about this fact. This is my fifth, and final, baby. I really just is not possible for me to do this again. Not financially, and not physically. I wanted to be able to give the man I love a little girl of his own. I wanted more vag in this house and less penis. I didn't get the opportunity to enjoy my daughter when she was a baby because of the, less than healthy, situation I was in, and my severe depression because of it all. I wanted the chance to do it again. I wanted ruffly panties and cute little dresses. I wanted hair bows and barrettes. I'm upset because we don't get those things. And I have run out of boys names.

I do know that the primary focus should be that this baby is healthy and that is the only thing that should matter, but I can't help feeling sad. I feel like I have failed my partner by failing to provide him with a daughter, daddy's little girl. I have failed all the kids, who have wanted a little sister. I feel that it's all somehow less important, less special, that we are having a baby now, because it's just another boy. And I feel like I fail this child by even giving a damn. Believe me, the failure is present.

On top of all this, I really miss my home. I didn't spend as much time with friends or family as I would have liked and now it's impossible to change that. I am missing people. I am missing cool air. I am missing open minded people. I am missing my religious comfort zone and am now forced into a position in which myself and my family have to hide everything we believe in. Our views and values are being challenged at every crossroad in this alien territory. It's taking a long time for things to settle into place the way that we need them to, and that isn't helping the way that I am feeling. The way that my partner and I are both feeling. I think he is feeling the worst, because he is watching me struggle and knows that there is nothing that he can do, aside from taking us HOME. He wants to admit defeat, rent a u-haul and get out of here. I want the dream. I want our house. But I want to be comfortable in my community and not forced to hide everything about myself. I want to be in a place where people mind their own business and don't shove their shit down your throat. I want to not be suffocated by the people I'm forced to live around. Maybe I'm asking for too much, but at what cost? More than anything, I just feel really ALONE here. Alone and unwelcome. I've never felt that way before, and it's really not a good feeling. Like you are an outsider and do not belong somewhere, and probably never will. For as many hopes as we've had for this place, it's pretty devistating.

Following up on the sister drama, she has made her choice, and made her bed. Her children were placed with the family member she LEAST wanted them to be with. She has 30 days worth of U/A's to complete, then they say that she will be eligible for an 'in-home dependency'. However, because of her actions, she no longer has a home to go home TO. I made the offer for her to come here, and she chose not to. I hope she can get her shit together, but I'm not going to hold my breath about it. Sad but true.

Anyway, that's all I'm going to say for now. I need to lay down for a while and just rest. My body, my mind and my heart.

18 weeks already...

I have reached the 18 week mark now.

I also had another OB visit today with the new OB office.

Some things happened to change my perspective today and I am hopeful that things will be BETTER from this point forward.

Apparently nobody did their job informing me of the way that business is conducted in the office, and that was a FAIL on their part.

The nurse called me back to check my blood pressure and weight (For the record, I am currently stabilized at 316lbs, which is 38lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight.) and mentioned to me that I was there for a GYNO visit. I was like, 'uh, NO, I'm not. I'm 18 weeks pregnant, I have an OB visit. Nobody is gettin' up in my business today LOL' She sent me back out to the waiting room where I sat for another 10 minutes or so

The head RN came out and got me and took me into an actual office to find out what was going on. I let her know that I was NOT there for a GYNO exam, and would not be having one because I've already had the one necessary for my pregnancy. That I was not intending on staying with their practice because of the negative experience that I'd had during my first visit. She asked for more details, and I told her that I, and the father of my child, felt that this clinic lacked the experience and knowledge to properly care for a high risk patient. That we had certain expectations for my care, that included more frequent visits, close monitoring and managing my diabetes during my pregnancy. That during my first visit, the doctor had not gone over my sugars, or even asked about them, nor had she dopplered the baby until I ASKED her to. I felt that the clinic was incompetent of caring for us and we deserved better than sub-standard care.

She informed me of a LOT of things. Including the fact that the majority of their patients are high risk. That the clinic DOES KNOW how to manage me and my issues. She apologized that I was not informed prior to my first visit that the protocol for the clinic is that the first visit to the clinic is STRICTLY a pregnancy verification visit. The second visit is a GYNO appointment where they also do pregnancy related blood work. Visit number three is strictly genetic, Q&A related. From that point on, you have 'regular OB visits'. She also said that rather than seeing high risk patients every two weeks, high risk patients are seen on the regular OB schedule and alternate on the two week mark with a Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist (ie a perinatologist. The MFMS is the one that gives you your ultrasound, and your NST's. She said that she hoped that, given all the information I NOW had, that I would reconsider changing doctors after that point. That she actually is also a patient at the clinic and the doctors are all really great. And that at ANY point in my pregnancy, if the physicians felt that my situation was beyond the scope of their experience, they WOULD refer me to someone else who would be able to care for me.

In the end, I was really relieved that my first impressions were wrong. I'd rather NOT change clinics again, even if I have to change doctors.

I got lots of paperwork today. A local resource list, a list of other services provided through Texas A&M, and among other things, a signing sheet that I have to have signed for every visit....if I don't skip any appointments, after 12 appointments, I will get a coupon for a free car seat. Which is awesome, because it means that I can pick out a GIRL car seat if we are having a girl :)

Baby's heart rate looked great. It was in the 150s.

She DID ask about my blood sugars and said that they ONLY way to bring down my fasting levels would be with medication. She said since my 2-hour levels were looking great that showed that I was really sticking to the diet. I told her it was all really about portion control and manipulation. That I was still eating cheesecake. She laughed and said that now she wanted to go to the cheesecake factory for dinner.

She put in my referral for the Austin Maternal Fetal Medicine. She said they would be doing my ultrasound (hopefully next week) and would be seeing me every two weeks, alternating from when she saw me. They would also be the ones that would go over my sugars and give me medication if I needed it.

I had to call and find out where my records were. Apparently my doctor's office mailed them out LAST Friday, but they still haven't arrived yet. Which tells me it's taking more than a week for mail to get from there to here.

Overall, I'm feeling better about the doctor situation. And it does help to know that I only owe $14 for my last visit. Which my medical insurance will pick up once it FINALLY goes through, which may still be a bit longer since they are asking for MORE information now and I have to go into the office again to drop it off. Monday morning. Hopefully that will square away everything and that will be the end of it.

Drama of the Sister variety.

More than a month ago I mentioned that a new breed of drama may be encroaching on my family bubble.

Let me explain.

Of all my siblings, I am the only one who has honestly ever been worth a shit. In their ONLY defense, they chose 'other' options in their lives. One choice in particular, that has lead to their ultimately unfortunate lives was their choice, as teenagers, to remain in the toxic environment that their father and his family created for them. They had the choice to be in a structured environment, the same one that I was raised in. A place with rules, regulations, chores, curfews and expectations....and they chose against that. They chose freedom. The freedom to do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted, with whoever they wanted. In turn, they have both turned into the drug addicted, criminal types. One has been in and out of jail and prison, and the other in and out of rehab at various times over their 30 plus years of life.

I, on the other hand, while not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, have become a strong, independent, self-sufficient woman who has taken the completely opposite path that they have chosen.

At this current place in time, my step-sister has recently relapsed into her crack cocaine addition in the last four months and has basically brought the entire world that circulates within her range, down with her. Including her fiance and her children. She is set to lose her fiance, is facing an eviction from her home and will probably lose her children TOMORROW MORNING at the emergency meeting if she does not ACT NOW and get her shit together.

Two of these children have been through this before. They WILL NEVER return to her care if the state steps in to remove them. This also means that our family will probably never see these kids again. They are already disadvantaged because of their absent fathers and their mother's off and on relapse pattern. My heart aches to imagine the extremely hard road they would face were they placed into the foster care system, separated from each other, and bounced around from house to house and school to school for the next 5 to 16 years.

My parents cannot take them in again, for various reasons that are completely understandable. Nobody wants to further support her behavior, or be enabling of her. Absolutely people are done cleaning up her messes for her and helping her get her shit together.

That leaves me.

Unfortunately for the kids, my family just moved half a country away and I am not in a position to do very much.

After a lengthy discussion with my other half, I had the opportunity to speak with my step-sister on the telephone yesterday. I informed her that the ONLY option she had left to her was to go and pick up her children from our brother where they currently are, get in her truck, and drive her ass to Texas, to ME.

She didn't even know that I was pregnant. Or that we had already left for Texas yet.  I made her cry a lot, and hope that the words that I left with her were sincerely receieved. She is going to have a few obstacles in her trek to get here if she does decide to actually come, and either my partner or I might have to actually fly back to Washington and drive her here ourselves due to a licensing issue. Her ability to gather the funds it would cost for gas to get here is going to be a small hurdle.....but it is possible.

I feel helpless right now because there is nothing that I can do. I feel like an asshole for abandoning my family in a sense. I feel stuck because I cannot help MORE. I cannot save everyone, but given the opportunity, I would. I would absolutely save these kids. There is no question in my mind that they would already be WITH me if I was at home. I am, and this situation is, the ONLY option that these kids have left.

The last time this happened was in 2005. We had 9 people in a two bedroom mobile home with one bathroom. This time, we will have 10 people in a four bedroom two bath apartment. I think we can handle it. She just needs to GET here now.