25 weeks

Emotionally, I have somehow managed, thus far, to hold it all together. Maybe that is my way of inadvertently trying to reassure my partner that everything will be okay, when everything is going horribly wrong right now. He actually has no clue as to how serious things are. He knows what is going on, but he just doesn't grasp the depth. I'd rather keep him oblivious, for all of our sakes. LOL

I am, and have always been, a woman of strength. I vent a lot of things about the struggles that I am having after the strain of carrying it all has taken me over the limit. I vent it off, and somehow, beyond what I even knew I was capable of dealing with, I manage to carry on. I manage to keep calm during the daily challenges by setting everything aside. I set aside the emotions and basically do a mental 'check out' with whatever I had to set aside. THAT is how I have managed to survive.

As the days go by though, the gravity of the situation right now is really starting to clamp down harder on me.

I spoke with my mother on the phone last night. She has laryngitis. She's not in pain at all, but her voice sounds horrible. When I started talking to her about the baby and my condition right now, and she responded....her voice cracked and it almost sounded like she was speaking through tears and was in pain....not by the fact that her voice is messed up due to illness, but out of genuine worry, concern, and pain for me. In that moment, I couldn't hold back the tears that silently streamed down my cheeks.

In these moments, I'm glad that there is no one here, face to face, to speak with me about such things. I would not be able to keep myself together. I would much rather shed my tears alone, than further bear my soul for an audience. I would not want anyone to be burdened by such a situation either, so I'm kind of glad that there is no one close at hand.

I awoke this morning with a some swelling in my face. My lower lip in particular, was noticeably swollen when I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. While my blood pressure has been fine today, and only the most moderate of swelling is visible on my hands and feet...I still worry.

I spent most of my day in bed, which was strange, given the fact that I didn't even get out of bed until 10:30 this morning. I napped for about four hours, assisted with dinner, and have been lying on the couch ever since, watching movies. I drank as much water as I could, which was apparent enough by the 50 visits to the bathroom I made today. I'm certain that I over-exerted myself yesterday, but it was necessary that we spend three hours in Austin tying up some loose ends.

Two hours from now marks week 25 and baby's survival rate increases to 50%. That fact provides me with a small bit of comfort...but doesn't soothe the soul quite completely enough.

Beyond that, beyond baby, I am still struggling to accept the fact that this is the end. That the choice to have more children has been made for me. By my own body. It's kind of the enemy right now! LOL

In the coming weeks, I plan on venturing out to pick up a few preemie outfits and a few baby supplies that need to be replenished. Diaper cream, baby shampoo, some more lotion, cotton balls, vaseline...you know the things I mean....

The bassinette will be pulled out, the sheets washed, receiving blankets washed, burp rags located, washed and folded....I have to be prepared, because there will not be time later. Nesting will start early....even if he doesn't come home right away. He will come home. He will.