Tomorrow's checkup with the Parinatologist.

Tomorrow is my 26 week checkup with the Perinatologist.

I have to say, I'm not super duper excited about this.

My blood presure has continued to rise back up to my normal levels since I initially started taking my BP medication (procardia) two weeks ago.

The pain in my head has increased to the extent that it continues for all but about two hours in the morning after I take my medication and basically throbs to the extent that this evening I can hear my heart beating within my head. There is no sleeping it off as I have often done with the headaches I got prior to pregnancy, it just continues on it's merry way without thinking twice about ME.

The swelling in my lip area is now starting to extend to the area round my mouth each morning and it is a nightmare to look in the mirror every morning not knowing what I might find 'this time'.

I have tried my damndest to stay in bed on my left side, or on the sofa with my feet as far up as I can get them. I have avoided leaving the house at nearly all costs, with few exceptions, particularly for financial reasons with the intent to secure my family prior to the impending doom of hospital bedrest that I know is on the horizon.

The man and I have had several very frank conversations and tend to agree that the best route, at this point, would probably be hospital bedrest, and while we are certainly not happy about it, we know that it's the right thing to do for baby and I. So if, or when, it needs to be done, it's something we wouldn't resist. Even if it's tomorrow. He is worried now. You can see it in his face. It breaks my heart and makes me cry to know how he is feeling. That there is NOTHING that he can do to fix it, or me, or make sure this baby is okay.

I have managed to get a few newborn and preemie items to start us off once baby finally comes home. We got the diaper bag, and the carseat.....the rest we will manage while baby is still in the NICU.



Mentally, I'm starting to crack. I know that baby will be okay, I'm just not sure that *I* will be okay. I'm scared. Genuinely. And I'm pretty much having an internal panic attack about it. And I feel pretty alone in all of this right now. I know there are a few people who are supportive from a distance, but physically, it is lonely here dealing with all of this.

We have been open and honest with the kids about the posibility of me being hospitalized and the fact that I am really sick. I'm not sure that they understand completely, but they do know that momma always does what is right and for the right reasons and that we will all manage to somehow get through this.

Today, the cuff on my blood pressure monitor burst on my arm. We went to Walgreens, unfortunately they do not sell replacement cuffs. We had a lengthy conversation with the pharmacist about my condition and she tended to agree, that were she my doctor, she'd admit me at this point.

Having someone agree, scares me. Knowing that my body is going to kill this baby, or it will kill me, is eating me up inside. I feel like my body is a failure. I feel like I have failed as a woman, to protect and carry this child. I felt quite similarly when I miscarried. And knowing that this is the LAST child, because my body can't do it anymore....while I'm not READY to be done, also eats me up inside. My body has taken the choices away from me. I want to kick, and scream, have a tantrum and cry. It's a lot to accept in one swallow.

Did I mention how bad my head hurts? And that pain won't go away until my blood pressure comes down, and even then, the reprieve will only last a few hours.

I desperately need to make it to the 32 week mark. 27 weeks is in sight.

After my ultrasound tomorrow, if baby hasn't grown, or something else happens, they might just take him out. Then we will shift on to new worries, I'm sure. We just don't know what is going to happen right now. Not knowing is the worst. Mommies shouldn't have to deal with this stuff. Ever. Their bodies should just do the right thing. And I have accepted enough of the UNKNOWN this year. In this lifetime. I'm not sure that I can cope with MORE right now.