32 weeks 6 days

It has been a really rough week. I'm not going to sugar coat it.

I'll start at the bottom and work my way up.

Our 20 month old little man was sick this week. He woke up screaming at midnight with a 102.6 fever. Then he puked all over the sofa. It's cream. His puke, was not. THAT was fun. He slept in our room for two nights and had such a momma cling on him that I couldn't even put him down. He has NEVER been like that. He's a daddy's boy. No idea what was wrong with him. Fever was almost gone in 24 hours and he's doing fine now. He's finding all sorts of new words and things to say, and he despises pancakes, but LOVES cake, and plums too.

Next kid up, my nearly 7 year old son. He has SERIOUS issues. (ADHD, Bipolar and now ODD have been the Dx so far) He finally got seen by a new psych here in Texas this week since our move. He's been un-medicaited since May. The pharmacy doesn't stock his new medication, so they have to order it. They still haven't called and it's been five days. We are going to do combination med-therapy on him, in addition to individual therapy for him. We are also going to be starting family therapy after the baby comes. We have had a really hard time functioning as a family unit, for a variety of reasons. It is unbelievably difficult to 'blend' a family, while having a crazy child and not losing your mind. Please, factor in my pregnancy hormones LOL Let's not even get into the fact that he has been stealing protein mix out of dad's container at night, and shit himself in the middle of the night this week and got poop all over the bathroom too. Or that he also wiped his shitty little fingers all over the bedroom walls, the sheets, the blankets, the pillows and the carpet in his room. Yeah, that was a FUN night.

It's my daughter's birthday today. She's 9 this year. She's been ill for the last two days. Her tummy hurts. She has diarrhea. She went to bed early, on her own, last night and she didn't eat her breakfast this morning. I'm going to put off buying her cake for a few days, until she's feeling better.

My oldest son had been sick for going on three weeks. I finally had a panic attack about this persistent cough he's had, and took him to the peds. I thought he might have whooping cough. He doesn't. He had walking pneumonia. He had to have a breathing treatment twice in the office. He was on meds, steroids and an inhaler for a week....then he had some chest x-rays which came back perfect. He's still using the inhaler. The ped thinks he might have combination asthma and allergies. If he's still using the inhaler in two weeks, I need to take him back in to see the ped. He seems fine now and the insane coughing has subsided.

The man has been ill for a few days now too. Upset tummy, cough, irritated throat, body aches....basically the whole 9 yards and a little of what everyone else in the house has had.

I've also been extremely sick. Last week my perinatologist gave me a zpack, like they put my son on for his walking pneumonia. I've had the exact same symptoms that he's had, so I was hopeful that meds would be the end of it. It wasn't. I couldn't breathe. At all. I dug through the closet, in full out panic, only to find two empty inhalers and one expired. That's how infrequently I have needed those babies. Ended up using the expired one and still didn't get better. I was coughing until I puked and nearly peed myself every time. The coughing caused some uterine irritability and I began having a lot of contractions. I had to go see a regular doctor through my OB's group practice. He said that I have something known as reactive airway disease. I've also got horrible allergies to whatever happens to be floating around here in Texas' air. And bronchitis. He gave me a steroid and some nasal spray. The steroid knocked me straight out after I took it, and then I pretty much had a panic attack the next day because I couldn't remember feeling baby move at all. (He's fine!)

My horrible cough still continues. Thursday the OB I saw, since my OB was booked, gave me a new inahler, some inhaled steroids, and told me to take claritin and Robitussin. That crap, combined, all seems like it's starting to work. Some. Texas officially hates me. I have to admit, I'm not really that fond of IT either.

I had another ultrasound at my OB appointment. Still no pictures. Baby is head down and facing my back, we literally couldn't even see his face. He's in perfect position for delivery though, which makes me happy. I also had my first NST. Everything is looking good on that end.

My blood sugars are CRAP right now. The steroids that I'm on are messing with the levels really bad and there's really nothing that I can do about it at this point. Hopefully when I come off the meds, things will go back to the way they were before I went on them. Otherwise the peri is going to have to put me on a fast acting insulin in addition to my overnight insulin.

Blood pressure and urine look good at my appointment on Thursday. Everything else seems okay. Baby has only gained about 3 ounces this week, which is slightly distressing to me, given the fact that at this point in pregnancy he should have gained at LEAST 8oz (half a pound a week). I have two more ultrasounds next week. One with the OB on Wednesday, and another with the Peri on Friday. He was 3lbs 10oz the last time I saw the Peri, so if he's growing the way he SHOULD be, he should be about 4lbs 10oz at next Friday's BPP. Obviously his growth, or lack there of, is still concerning me. Not that it is a big shocker or anything. I am still carrying REALLY small. I could still pass for five months pregnant at this point, easily. I could probably even still hide the fact that I'm even pregnant if I really wanted to.

Yesterday I had to take the kids to the orthodontist in Austin. It's a good thing that I had someone with me. They were WAY behind yesterday and I ended up sitting there about an hour longer than I'd expected. My blood sugar dropped very quickly and I didn't have anything to snack on (my bad!)and I didn't realize there was a problem until it was too late (I was at 51 before they even called me back to schedule appointments for next visits). By the time we got out of there, I almost couldn't walk. We managed to make it to Taco Bell where I got a Pepsi and something to eat, but it was already too late. After I ate, I basically blacked out I guess, and don't remember anything between about 11:30am and 3pm....when I woke up in my bed. No idea how we got home, no idea how I got up the stairs or in the bed, just that I was IN the bed. Kind of scary.

Kidney Stones and My New OB 27w6d

The last several days have been exciting, to say the very least.

From day one, I knew that my new OB's office in TX was NOT going to be a good fit for me. That point was taken to heart and well proven over the last few days. Several other choices I have made as a patient were also supported.

All day Wednesday I was feeling 'off' so to speak. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I knew that something wasn't right.

Wednesday evening the man went to softball practice. I didn't go, because I just wasn't feeling that good. Even though the temperatures outside had dropped about 10 degrees, I just couldn't bring myself to go anywhere. I opted to stay home with the kids. I'd taken a lengthy nap that afternoon and he actually had to wake me up before he left. About 15 minutes after he left, I got up to use the bathroom and was peeing straight blood. I knew then that I was having a kidney stone issue or a severe kidney infection. I wasn't in pain, but I knew it was serious. I tried to call him on his cell phone, but he didn't answer. I called out to my OB's office then. It was 7:30, and already after business hours. The on call OB, Dr Phelps called me back and he advised me to go to labor and delivery.

I spent the next hour and a half, calling the man, attempting to get him on the phone to come home and take me to the hospital. Bare in mind, I'm not in pain at this point, but in serious panic. I go ahead and send the kids to bed, knowing that I'm going to have to drive myself to the hospital, 40 minutes away, once he gets home. I drink 24 ounces of water, hoping it will help with the cramping that has started now.

Shortly after 9pm, he calls me and asks me what is going on. He had 27 missed calls from me. His phone was on the charger in the truck. He came home and then he told me to call him and let him know what was going on as I was leaving. I said "whatever" and left. Yes, I was pissed. I'm pregnant. Your phone should be on you. What if my water broke in the two hours you were gone and I delivered the baby and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. WHAT THEN? IDIOT.

I reach the hospital around 10pm. They call labor and delivery and I wait for someone to come and get me. I get a gown on, I leave a urine sample. The nurse asks me if I'm having any pains. I tell her that I'm having mild contractions, but I'm okay at this point minus a cramping feeling in my right side. I inform her that I've had kidney stones twice before, that I'm 99% positive that THAT is what this is and that I need some pyridium and probably an antibiotic at this point. They hook me up to the monitor to watch baby. I have a couple of contractions and then everything stops. Baby looks fine. I go through the registration process which takes nearly two hours. The nurse checks my urine and says I have trace protein, and that I've maxed out the blood on her dipstick. It stops at 250. She apparently speaks to the doctor, and comes back and says they are discharging me.

The guy did NOTHING for me. No IV fluids to help flush the stone out. No ultrasound to confirm the presence of a stone. No meds to soothe my urinary tract to help with the pain. No NOTHING. I was told to call my provider in the morning so that she could give me an ultrasound to check on the stone.

What the fuck ever. I leave to go home, and arrive there around 1am.

By 2am I am thriving in pain. Literally screaming in agony it is so bad. The man wanted to take me back to the hospital and I refused to go again. He was FURIOUS at the doctor for doing NOTHING. The doctor didn't even come and SEE me, even though he was at the hospital.

Around 4am, after 3-25mg benadryl's I finally fall asleep. I get up at 7:30 with a continuing dull ache in my right side.

I call the OB's office and tell them that I was at Labor and Delivery the night before and that I have to be seen. That I have a kidney stone, that I need meds and an ultrasound.

She gives me a 10:10 appointment. I wake everyone in the house up, so that we can go. The man refuses to get up. I have sat with him for HOURS ON END, TIME AND TIME AGAIN at doctor's appointments and hospitals, and his back hurts so he doesn't want to go. I was LIVID. I took the my oldest son with me, because he had an appointment with the orthodontist at 1:30 in Austin and I didn't know if I would make it back in time to pick him up.

I arrive at the clinic and then we wait in the waiting room for at least 30 minutes, then back in the office another 40 minutes or so before my OB finally comes in. She doesn't understand why the on-call OB didn't at least give me fluids. She gives me pyridium to help with the pain in the urinary tract and tells me that there is really nothing they can do but wait for the stone to pass. I get it, I'm pregnant. At least she gave me the perscription for the pyridium. She SHOULD have done an ultrasound, but didn't. She sent my urine off to the lab to see if I needed antibiotics, and sent me on my way.

The rest of the day, I spend in and out of random bathrooms because any urine in my bladder AT ALL is irritating. I get my son to the orthodontist. I get back into town and stop at Walmart to pick up my perscription. I stop at the dental office to see about them pulling one of my son's teeth that needs to be pulled before the braces can go on. They want to see him at 9am the next morning. Then we go home. Through all of this, I'm still angry at the man for not being with me when I needed him to be. I get home, I'm still hruting, but whatever, life goes on.

About 8pm, I'm DYING. Puking because the pain is so intense. I was ready to cut my bladder out with a steak knife. I felt like I was stabbed in the back on my right side. I was having hard contractions and screaming and crying again. I got up, got dressed and literally could not even stand upright I was in so much pain. I screamed and cried all the way down three flights of stairs. I don't waste time calling the piece of shit OB this time. The man takes me straight to the local hospital, which is eight minutes away comes back home with the kids after the ER staff gets me in the back and he's sure they are going to take care of me. I scream and cry for another hour before they finish with the ultrasound on my entire urinary tract and the baby. They were digging the damn probe into my kidney and making me hurt even worse. They admit me shortly midnight and give me a huge dose of morphine.

Within 10 minutes of being upstairs in labor and delivery, the on-call OB for the hospital is in my room. We go through my history, my high risk status, my previous pregnancy. There is a stone, right above my bladder, on my right side. It is still in the tube and that is why it's hurting so bad. It's having a hard time getting into my bladder. She is completely shocked that they did NOTHING for me at the visit the night before, because the other hospital is supposed to be a really good one. She's sorry I'm in pain, but she's glad I came back, and to a different hospital.

The severe pain fades overnight. She sends me home around lunch time with shit ton of narcotics. Enough to kill an elephant. I'm supposed to watch for the stone, and come in if the pain gets worse, of if I start to develope an infection. Burning urination etc. So far, I'm clean for an infection, which is great news. Baby still looks good. No contractions since the pain meds and pyridium are taking care of the irritation being caused to baby and my uterus.

Dr. Holley, the on-call OB who saw me, is now MY OB. I called yesterday afternoon when we got home and canceled my oppointment with the other OB clinic and let them know that I would NOT be returning. That they were completely incompetent. That Dr Phelp's bedside manner was SHIT and that I could have DIED because of his stupid mistakes and failure to give me an ultrasound to investigate where my stone was at. Had I had a full out blockage, I could have gotten sepsis and DIED! All the while they said there was 'nothing we can do'. I was severely dehydrated and that is what was causing the contractions. I could have lost my baby because of THEM. That I would NEVER recommend their practice to ANYONE I knew.

I'm still in a fair amount of pain. Still waiting for the stone to pass. Today pretty much went with me getting up around 8am, yelling at one of the kids for some reason I couldn't remember later, taking another round of pain meds, sitting at the computer for 30 minutes before the med kicked in, then crawling back in bed and sleeping until 2pm. I haven't taken more meds yet, and the pain is ever present, but I would really like to get some sleep tonight, at a normal time.

Overall, I'm really happy that I have a new OB. She is fantastic. She met all the kids and the man. They all liked her too. No more driving 40 minutes away to see a public health style doctor who doesn't really give a shit about their patients. No more wasted gas. No more wasted time. And our new hospital is better than the other one. The nurses are just as nice and everyone will be a lot happier in the end.

I also get to continue seeing my perinatologist, because Dr Holley refers ALL of her high risk patients to him. He is THAT GOOD. :)

22 weeks 4 days

I had my second visit with the perinatologist two days ago.

I stabilized my weight for two weeks, and actually gained one pound, but I'm really not going to count it, because I'm pretty sure that in two more weeks, it will be gone again LOL

All my lab work that the perinatologist had done, including my 24 hour urine, came back great.

My blood pressure is under observation now. Since the babydaddy has high blood pressure, we have a machine at the house. I will be taking my blood pressures twice a day for the next two weeks, and bringing the results in to the perinatologist when I go back in. When I was there, my BP was in the 140/95 range.  Some of my home tests have been SUBSTANTIALLY higher than that. 180/98 and even 191/101.

Today in the OB's office, it was 133/98 (any first number over 140 is suspect, and any second number 90 and above is suspect according to the standards for pregnancy). So even though my first number had dropped some, my second number was still considered high. I'm also dumping protien in my urine and have the accompanying headaches. Which basically signals pre-eclampsia, but they don't like to actually diagnose it until the third trimester. The third trimester technically begins at 26 weeks. Anything that begins between the 20th and 32nd week is considered 'early onset'. Most likely, they will not try and medicate me for the high blood pressure. They will put me on bedrest, monitor me more closely and make me do 24 hour urine's once a week or so to monitor the protien.

The perinatologists wants me to have another ultrasound in two weeks (June 2nd). I will have my first Non-stress test (NST) at 32 weeks. I also need to have an EKG done on my heart, and have an eye exam done to make sure that having diabetes hasn't damaged my heart or my eyes during my pregnancy.

I was also told that I will be induced some time between my 36th and 38th week, depending on when my cervix is ready. I walked around dialated to 4cms for a month prior to my induction with my last baby at 39 weeks, so most likely they will be taking the baby around my 36th week and he will end up in the NICU for a little while to make sure he's okay. Which means all the stuff that goes along with that. Like steroid injections for the baby to make sure his lungs are developed in utero before they deliver me.

If my blood pressure insists on continuing to be an issue, and I have to be on bedrest, and being on bedrest does not help my blood pressure levels, I could end up on hospital bedrest, or having an even earlier delivery than at 36weeks. Considering the fact that I've had four babies before this one, and as well versed as I am via experience and research, I am aware of most of the consequences this could have on our baby. The only cure for pregnancy related high blood pressure is DELIVERY. The survival rate for girls born premature is much better than for boys born premature, as well as the consequences. They can't quite explain it, but it's the way it is. I won't bore you with any more of the morbid details, it is what it is, but I have every intention on keeping this baby right where he belongs at least until that 36 week mark.

That is what is going on with baby and I right now. We are just taking it one day at a time.

Oh, and we have a name, but we aren't telling. :-p

20 weeks 3 days

I've started the 20th week of my pregnancy.

My blood pressure is high, but we've attributed that to the fact that I am in some pretty severe pain right now. Several years ago, I had several falls with knee impact type injuries. I saw a public health doctor at the time, who didn't really explain things to me, but put me in knee braces for three weeks. I never went back to the doctor. My bad, I know. The injury never healed right and is occasionally aggravated (say, by climbing up and down three flights of stairs five times in one day) and then I pay for it. At this point in time, I'm barely getting around. Every movement is painful. I can't roll over in bed without being in pain right now. Yes, it's that bad that I'm spending most of my time in bed anymore, and I have been going like this for more than two weeks. The problem is, is that I can't consistently stay off of my feet. There are four kids in my house and someone has to take care of them, including jumping up and down to get after a toddler every two to five minutes. Since I don't have insurance at this point in time, I'm really just struggling through it. Due to the fact that I'm pregnant, I can really only take Tylenol for the pain, and we all KNOW that stuff doesn't work when a person is at the level of pain that I am at now. Without seeing the doctor, we can't pinpoint EXACTLY what my problem is, which means it can't be solved. Right now, we are ALL in medical limbo though. My daughter needs to have her braces maintained, or removed, and needed to have it done about three weeks ago. One of my sons is supposed to be medicated for his ADHD and other issues, and ran out of medication three days ago. Apparently two of the kids need MORE immunizations for school because Texas has different immunization requirements than Washington does, so they might not be able to go to school soon. It's scary, and really difficult, to be a family, with children, especially children with medical or dental needs, and not have medical.

Anyway, back to me, and my pregnancy. I saw my new Perinatologiest yesterday. He is young. 35 years old. And has the most insanely beautiful blue eyes a girl has ever seen! We had a lengthy discussion about my diabetes. He feels, that it's highly probable that I am NOT diabetic. That I have something called "insulin resistance'. However, because I am pregnant, we have to treat me like I have gestational diabetes anyway. About three months after I have the baby, I will have to do another one hour glucose test and we will re-evaluate whether or not I am ACTUALLY diabetic.

I lost five more pounds in the last two weeks. That brings my total weight loss to 43lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight and puts me at 311lbs. Given my weight, he's still not concerned about the weight loss, but he WOULD like me to stop losing weight. Something that is really beyond my control right now. Given the fact that I can barely WALK right now, it's not like I'm exercising either. When you cut sugars and carbohydrates almost completely out of your diet though, you have to expect that to have some impact on your weight. It's not like I can just eat a bunch of fatty foods to prevent me from losing weight. Those fatty foods are mostly carbohydrate, sugar based, foods. It is literally impossible for me to GAIN and still follow the diabetic diet.

I had an ultrasound yesterday too. The baby is measuring small. I was 20.2 and baby was measuring 18.4-18.6. I have NEVER had a baby measure small. My babies have all measured bigger than their dates in the past.I suppose that is why I am five MONTHS pregnant and I don't look pregnant at ALL. I literally look exactly the same as I did before I was pregnant. Baby's heart looks good, which is really good considering my diabetes issue. Heart conditions in the baby are one of the big things that happen in babies with mothers that have diabetes. Our baby having a normal heart is comforting.

We also found out that we are having another boy. We have not broke the news to the kids yet, but have managed to tell most of the important people in our lives.

Emotionally, I'm feeling really mixed about this fact. This is my fifth, and final, baby. I really just is not possible for me to do this again. Not financially, and not physically. I wanted to be able to give the man I love a little girl of his own. I wanted more vag in this house and less penis. I didn't get the opportunity to enjoy my daughter when she was a baby because of the, less than healthy, situation I was in, and my severe depression because of it all. I wanted the chance to do it again. I wanted ruffly panties and cute little dresses. I wanted hair bows and barrettes. I'm upset because we don't get those things. And I have run out of boys names.

I do know that the primary focus should be that this baby is healthy and that is the only thing that should matter, but I can't help feeling sad. I feel like I have failed my partner by failing to provide him with a daughter, daddy's little girl. I have failed all the kids, who have wanted a little sister. I feel that it's all somehow less important, less special, that we are having a baby now, because it's just another boy. And I feel like I fail this child by even giving a damn. Believe me, the failure is present.

On top of all this, I really miss my home. I didn't spend as much time with friends or family as I would have liked and now it's impossible to change that. I am missing people. I am missing cool air. I am missing open minded people. I am missing my religious comfort zone and am now forced into a position in which myself and my family have to hide everything we believe in. Our views and values are being challenged at every crossroad in this alien territory. It's taking a long time for things to settle into place the way that we need them to, and that isn't helping the way that I am feeling. The way that my partner and I are both feeling. I think he is feeling the worst, because he is watching me struggle and knows that there is nothing that he can do, aside from taking us HOME. He wants to admit defeat, rent a u-haul and get out of here. I want the dream. I want our house. But I want to be comfortable in my community and not forced to hide everything about myself. I want to be in a place where people mind their own business and don't shove their shit down your throat. I want to not be suffocated by the people I'm forced to live around. Maybe I'm asking for too much, but at what cost? More than anything, I just feel really ALONE here. Alone and unwelcome. I've never felt that way before, and it's really not a good feeling. Like you are an outsider and do not belong somewhere, and probably never will. For as many hopes as we've had for this place, it's pretty devistating.

Following up on the sister drama, she has made her choice, and made her bed. Her children were placed with the family member she LEAST wanted them to be with. She has 30 days worth of U/A's to complete, then they say that she will be eligible for an 'in-home dependency'. However, because of her actions, she no longer has a home to go home TO. I made the offer for her to come here, and she chose not to. I hope she can get her shit together, but I'm not going to hold my breath about it. Sad but true.

Anyway, that's all I'm going to say for now. I need to lay down for a while and just rest. My body, my mind and my heart.

18 weeks already...

I have reached the 18 week mark now.

I also had another OB visit today with the new OB office.

Some things happened to change my perspective today and I am hopeful that things will be BETTER from this point forward.

Apparently nobody did their job informing me of the way that business is conducted in the office, and that was a FAIL on their part.

The nurse called me back to check my blood pressure and weight (For the record, I am currently stabilized at 316lbs, which is 38lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight.) and mentioned to me that I was there for a GYNO visit. I was like, 'uh, NO, I'm not. I'm 18 weeks pregnant, I have an OB visit. Nobody is gettin' up in my business today LOL' She sent me back out to the waiting room where I sat for another 10 minutes or so

The head RN came out and got me and took me into an actual office to find out what was going on. I let her know that I was NOT there for a GYNO exam, and would not be having one because I've already had the one necessary for my pregnancy. That I was not intending on staying with their practice because of the negative experience that I'd had during my first visit. She asked for more details, and I told her that I, and the father of my child, felt that this clinic lacked the experience and knowledge to properly care for a high risk patient. That we had certain expectations for my care, that included more frequent visits, close monitoring and managing my diabetes during my pregnancy. That during my first visit, the doctor had not gone over my sugars, or even asked about them, nor had she dopplered the baby until I ASKED her to. I felt that the clinic was incompetent of caring for us and we deserved better than sub-standard care.

She informed me of a LOT of things. Including the fact that the majority of their patients are high risk. That the clinic DOES KNOW how to manage me and my issues. She apologized that I was not informed prior to my first visit that the protocol for the clinic is that the first visit to the clinic is STRICTLY a pregnancy verification visit. The second visit is a GYNO appointment where they also do pregnancy related blood work. Visit number three is strictly genetic, Q&A related. From that point on, you have 'regular OB visits'. She also said that rather than seeing high risk patients every two weeks, high risk patients are seen on the regular OB schedule and alternate on the two week mark with a Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist (ie a perinatologist. The MFMS is the one that gives you your ultrasound, and your NST's. She said that she hoped that, given all the information I NOW had, that I would reconsider changing doctors after that point. That she actually is also a patient at the clinic and the doctors are all really great. And that at ANY point in my pregnancy, if the physicians felt that my situation was beyond the scope of their experience, they WOULD refer me to someone else who would be able to care for me.

In the end, I was really relieved that my first impressions were wrong. I'd rather NOT change clinics again, even if I have to change doctors.

I got lots of paperwork today. A local resource list, a list of other services provided through Texas A&M, and among other things, a signing sheet that I have to have signed for every visit....if I don't skip any appointments, after 12 appointments, I will get a coupon for a free car seat. Which is awesome, because it means that I can pick out a GIRL car seat if we are having a girl :)

Baby's heart rate looked great. It was in the 150s.

She DID ask about my blood sugars and said that they ONLY way to bring down my fasting levels would be with medication. She said since my 2-hour levels were looking great that showed that I was really sticking to the diet. I told her it was all really about portion control and manipulation. That I was still eating cheesecake. She laughed and said that now she wanted to go to the cheesecake factory for dinner.

She put in my referral for the Austin Maternal Fetal Medicine. She said they would be doing my ultrasound (hopefully next week) and would be seeing me every two weeks, alternating from when she saw me. They would also be the ones that would go over my sugars and give me medication if I needed it.

I had to call and find out where my records were. Apparently my doctor's office mailed them out LAST Friday, but they still haven't arrived yet. Which tells me it's taking more than a week for mail to get from there to here.

Overall, I'm feeling better about the doctor situation. And it does help to know that I only owe $14 for my last visit. Which my medical insurance will pick up once it FINALLY goes through, which may still be a bit longer since they are asking for MORE information now and I have to go into the office again to drop it off. Monday morning. Hopefully that will square away everything and that will be the end of it.

Settling In

Today is the first day in nearly three full weeks that I have been able to sit down and write. We just got our internet, cable and phone service installed the day before yesterday...which was installed by a black man with a full on, top and bottom, gold grill. It took everything I had in me to not laugh. It was something that I had never seen in real life before and I honestly thought it was something that only rappers did. It still makes me laugh. He somehow managed to not do his job right, and we were still without telephone service more than 24 hours later. We were also told that we would be getting THREE cable boxes, and only ended up getting ONE. AND the internet was BASIC internet and not wireless, so we had to run out and buy a wireless router. Spending money we didn't really have didn't make me very happy, but at least I have my internet back. It has been a horribly long wait, that wasn't helped by the fact that the woman in the office didn't put the request in for us BEFORE WE GOT HERE like she was ASKED to do. Two weeks later, she still hadn't put the request in, and we had to go above her for it. I pretty much want to punch this broad in the face.

As far as me, baby and our medical state go, I'm struggling a little. Texas hospitals and physicians will not accept out of state medical programs. I went to the hospital to get a once over and a referral and they flat out refused to see me, because 'nothing was wrong' with me. I wasn't bleeding, cramping or contracting, so they couldn't do anything. Including get me a referral. I ended up eventually finding a resource that I could utilize, a sliding fee clinic at Texas A&M's Health Science division. They will basically hold my bill until my new insurance company kicks in and takes over.

Let me tell you though, I am LESS THAN SATISFIED with the level of care that I have received there. I've only had ONE visit and I already know that I hate the place. The doctor that I saw struck me as extremely incompetent. She's an OB/GYN with basically no concept of ANYTHING pregnancy related. It didn't matter to her at all that I am high risk. She didn't want to see my sugar levels for the previous weeks. She didn't ask how the trip had gone, or inquire to make sure that I had stopped often for bathroom breaks or to get out and walk. No questions about complications in prior pregnancies. Not a word about my medications. She didn't even DOPPLER THE BABY, until I straight up ASKED. Honestly, it SICKENS me to my very CORE that I have to go back and see her for at least one more visit before I can get myself a REAL doctor. The complete doctor/insurance situation has made me not seek medical attention for a few situations that I'm currently dealing with on my own right now, but really do need to see a doctor for. Particularly a cyst that has abscessed, and an infection.

In the middle of all this transition, I am now 17.2 weeks pregnant, and I should be worrying about and looking forward to my BIG ULTRASOUND where we find out the sex of the baby. Something that generally occurs between the 18th and 20th week. Yeah, I'm REALLY not happy about THAT one.

The baby is moving a bit now. We have felt some pretty good movement in the last couple of days. This baby is busy. I'm getting heartburn more often, which kinda makes me laugh because I don't feel like this baby has even GROWN. I haven't gained a pound of weight, only lost thus far.

The only real 'productive' thing that I've managed to do since we have been here, is get two of the kids set to start school on Monday morning. The third child that goes to school has special circumstances where we actually have to sit down with staff members and have a meeting before we can start him in school. We have to make sure he is in the appropriate program and that everything is going to be good from the get go.

The other half tore the ligaments in his hand and thumb while playing on the playground with the baby. On our way back from seeing the doctor, we stopped at McDonalds, where he got food poisioning from eating chicken that was either cooked inproperly or unsanitary conditions in the kitchen. BET I called the Health Inspector and ALSO mentioned that they had flies all over their dining area and that they probably have maggots in the back somewhere. Good times.

Ultimately, I am really missing Washington. There is a lot going on back home and people need me. CHILDREN need me and I should be there and I'm not. I feel guilty for that. I also really loathe change. The struggle to change schools, doctors, hospitals....find new grocery stores, restaurants, places to play.....really makes me sick and wears me down. For the most part, I just want to sit on the couch right now and not DO anything. I don't want to unpack a single box more and they are towering everywhere. I don't particularly feel like socializing with anyone aside from my immediate family either.

Don't get me wrong, we are GOOD right now, I'm just not real happy with a lot of things/situations that are ultimately out of my control at this point in time.

For now, I will stop there. I want to get to the stuff that is happening at home, but it really does need it's own blog.

We have arrived in Texas.

The trip here was a little crazy, to say the least.

After the packers left, the movers showed up and slowly, box by box, our stuff disappeared, and has yet to be seen since. Two more days and it should be arriving. The reason it is taking so long is because we are the first load in a 75 foot semi truck. After our driver, Mike, picked up our load, he had to go pick up four other families loads. One in Pasco, WA, another in Spokane, WA and then two more back in Seattle, WA. Then his stops to drop off stuff included two deliveries in Denver, CO, one in Missouri somewhere, with a two day stop to see his family since he hasn't been home since the 11th of March, then another drop off in Oklahoma, before he comes here to Austin, TX. I can't say I blame him for wanting to see his family at all. That's a long time to be away.

The first evening in an empty house was especially boring. The second evening, without internet, was almost unbearable. Saturday morning was 'the big day'. The actual day that we pulled out of Seattle. Given the fact that our apartment complex flat out refused to honor the man's MILITARY ORDERS, I made sure that I took pictures of EVERYTHING in the apartment after it was cleaned out, for evidence purposes. We have since been notified that our keys, that we placed in a brown envelope and dropped into the rent box, marked with our names and our apartment number, have been LOST by management. They are so utterly incompetent that it's not even funny anymore. We should have suspected as much after they lost three months worth of rent checks in a ROW. All of this has happened after a takeover from a new management team. You'd THINK that after the first month they would have figured it out, but apparently NOT. Good thing that after the first lost rent check we were smart enough to start getting receipts. *rolls eyes*

Saturday morning we struggled for about two hours to get the suburban loaded with the remainder of our belongings and the items that the moving company could not pack. We failed, epically. We ended up throwing out most of our cleaning products, along with other things that we had intended on keeping. Fortunately we have since replaced the majority of those items, and THEN some LOL

We got several hours into our trip and decided that we were really just too cramped into the suburban to continue in such a fashion and ended up calling ahead and renting a Uhaul in the Portland, Oregon area. The first Uhaul company that they sent us to was in an industrial area, basically in someones garage. I almost planted my ass in the mud on the way down the hill back to the suburban. We ended up having to go to a second Uhaul office because we had to get a tow ball and the wiring mechanism to be able to tow the trailer with. Not our fault they didn't have it, but then we ended up driving all over hell with the crappy GPS lady taking us along all these weird streets because it was the 'shortest route'.  It was a disaster.

 We drove through Oregon for the rest of the day, stopping in the Medford area to get a hotel room because it was getting late and we were all tired. Unfortunately, the man, unbeknownest to him, had maxed out the number of transactions he's allowed in a month. He had no idea that he was only allowed a maximum number of transactions. And since his checking account was empty and we didn't have a credit card with enough money remaining on the balance, we go rejected from EIGHT hotels before we were able to find a place that would take a CASH payment. We ended up in some back alley Econolodge run by an old Indian guy, and had to sneak the kids in and out because we have too many kids to get just ONE room. At least there were no bed bugs.

The second day of our journey went a little better. We went through the snowy mountain range that lies between Oregon and California and it was actually snowing while we were driving, but the roads remained clear for the most part. I got to see a coyote carrying a kill, and several deer. This time we thought ahead and stopped in a town with an Air Station Naval Base, so that we would have access to the man's bank. We stayed in a Best Western that was really nice and we slept in until 8am the next morning, had a Burger King breakfast and then hit the Navy Fed on our way out of town.

Day three was relatively uneventful. Lots of driving. Basically the same scenery that we had seen on our trip to California last May. We managed to make it from a small town north of the grapevine, all the way into Phoenix, Arizona, where we stayed in yet another skanky hotel. This time it was a TravelLodge and it was gross, but again, no bugs, unless you count the spider that was in the shower the next morning.

Day four took us through the remainder of Arizona, and passed the miles and miles of huge cacti. We also made it completely through the state of New Mexico and into El Paso, Texas before nightfall. We ate at a little restaurant on the boarder of TX and NM that was actually pretty good.

Day five started off with a good sized cock roach on the dresser in the morning. As we drove out of El Paso we could clearly see the giant wall that marks the border between the United States and Mexico. The kids thought that it was really cool that they could see into another country. You could definitely tell the difference between America and Mexico from I-10. The duration of this day was SUPER boring. I cannot explain HOW boring. It's unfathomable. Let's just say the most fun we had in Western Texas was playing the 'windmill game'. People in Western Texas really like their windmills. We met a friend of ours in San Antonio, where we had dinner and stayed in a decent hotel, but there was no internet service. Boo.

Day six started with the baby puking all over his little shoes. I had to take his laces out and wash everything in the hotel sink, and then stuff it all into the trailer. We basically drove for two hours on day six, then stayed the night in a hotel near our new apartment complex.

Day seven we signed our lease, moved all our stuff into the apartment out of the trailer, took the trailer back, and let the kids enjoy the sunshine a little. The only disappointment thus far is the fact that our unit was NOT CLEANED before they gave it to us. There is a certain level of 'ick factor' to go with that. I am pretty sure all they did was vacuum and then the maintenance people came and painted our bedroom door for some reason or another.

The following two days since then have been relatively busy. We purchased an additional crib that the baby is currently sleeping in, but that will be used for the new baby once 'it' comes. We also purchased a washer and dryer set that will be delivered this coming Thursday. We have had several trips to Walmart and the Dollar Store to pick up some necessities. We have redone the guest bathroom since we had to throw out the old rugs, among other things, and have basically just hung out, waiting for the weekend to get over so that we could start making phone calls for services.

Wednesday morning the moving truck will be here to unload our stuff. We are pretty excited.

Wednesday afternoon I have an appointment to meet with an advocate to get my address stuff straightened out. I should have my new address cards by the end of the week, and then we can enroll the kids in school. I'm sure that it will be a week or so from THAT point before they get the kids' records and we can enroll them in school.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to the hospital and get a once over and a referral for a local high risk OB/GYN. I'm doing pretty good baby wise. My sugars are looking GREAT. I've got some swelling which is probably due to adjusting to the extreme temperature changes between states. I've also had a few headaches, which just happen when my blood sugar levels get too low.

One of the kids is pretty homesick, but I'm sure he will get over it soon. Once our stuff gets here, and he goes to school, things will be better.

I'm still not really sure how I feel about all of this. I think I'm kind of down about it all. I don't really want to go outside or hang out with the man and his friends that live here. I just don't really feel like doing anything at all right now. Certainly not being nice and friendly with people. Which is unfortunate because the people here are really friendly. I'm not sure if it's bordering on NOSEY yet or not, but I WILL be blogging about them LOL

Take your medication and SHOVE.IT.

I called my OB/GYN's office this morning and talked to the nurse. My doctor is out today and won't be back until Monday morning. The doctor she talked to wants me to keep taking the medication. He said that I'm JUST starting my second trimester, I'm still going to be having a lot of nausea and vomiting issues, and I'm GOING to be tired and stressed out. She also said OBVIOUSLY nobody can MAKE me take the medication, and if I choose NOT to, to just REALLY stick to the diet, make sure I'm getting my snacks in and watch my sugars really closely.

Let me tell you something MR. DOCTOR WHOEVER YOU ARE. I've had Hyperemisis for three whole pregnancies and was hospitalized at least once for EVERY one of my four previously completed pregnancies. I KNOW what strictly having nausea and vomiting FEELS LIKE. I also know what TIRED is. This is pregnancy number six, I KNOW what tired is. Asshole. I also know what STRESSED is. Asshole. And I'm not STRESSED about packing and moving stuff because I don't have to lift a FINGER. Sure, I'm moderately stressed about moving some place new and having to do a bunch of shit like find new providers on a time schedule, but that comes with part of moving. I moved during my last pregnancy and was fine. ALSO, How do you explain the fact that I ONLY had these symptoms while on the medication, but they suddenly VANISHED as soon as I stopped taking the medication? Mr. Doctor who knows EVERYTHING, when was the last time YOU were pregnant? And have you been pregnant five or six times already? NO. IDIOT.

Anyway, the nurse is going to keep my message for Monday when MY doctor comes back, but I'm pretty sure MY doctor is going to say the same thing. And frankly, I don't give a fucking SHIT what she has to say. I cannot take the medication because I cannot FUNCTION on it. I might as well be in a vegetative state on this medication.

Vegetables cannot drive to Texas. Damn it.

I hate this medication.

I HATE this medication. Like to the extent that I want to go see the doctor and scream profanities in her face right now, but don't have the energy to.

I'm on Glyburide 2.5mg

The first night, I didn't sleep at all. I had to GAG down a peanut butter sandwich, because I have to have the protein before I go to sleep and that was what she recommended. I was up and down ALL night, freaking out that my blood sugar was going to drop too low and I really was going to DIE IN MY SLEEP. When it was time to wake up, not only did I NOT want to get out of bed, but I seriously STRUGGLED to do so. I was a zombie through the rest of the day, and fell asleep some time around 2:30 in the afternoon and slept till almost 7. Thankfully Dan was up by that time and someone was around to take care of the baby.

Night two wasn't quite as bad, but almost. I almost hurled in the middle of trying to force the PB sandwich down, and again at the end, even though I was attempting to wash the nastiness down with milk. Again, I struggled to get out of bed. I felt sluggish and tired and just yucky in general. But there is no other reason for it, except the med. I'd slept from 11 the night before, to 7:30. (8 1/2 hours)

I didn't get dressed until it was almost time to leave and take the baby to get his last couple of shots before we leave for Texas. From there, we ran back to the apartment so I could get some things, and believe me, climbing the stairs was the most energy draining thing I have ever done. I wanted to collapse and sleep by the time I got to the front door and we are talking two half-flights. So it's only ONE flight of stairs in all. We went and saw the ATTORNEY (which is a blog in and of itself later) and came home around 2:30, only for me to fall asleep again until 6. (3 1/2 more hours)

We ran to Winco, because in the middle of my crappiness, I'd forgotten to go to the grocery store for baby food. I got some Almond Butter. Some sunflower seeds, some mixed nuts, and some edemame. And let me tell you, ALL of it tastes like CRAP. I had to gag the shit down for a THIRD night in a row. I would rather DIE than ever see a creamy nut or eat some kind crap that tastes like DIRT again. Nastiness, the lot of it.

After I ate a little dinner, I set my alarm to do my blood sugar test like I always do, and managed to fall back to sleep almost immediately (for another two hours. 8-10pm) Then I got up, was up LESS than an hour and right back to sleep again, until 8am this morning. (9 more hours)

It's the same deal again this morning. The only reason I got dressed was because the babydaddy insisted that he had an appointment today for pre-op surgery and I convinced him he was an IDIOT to do the surgery before we leave for Texas in SEVEN DAYS because the soonest they would probably get him in, would probably be AFTER we leave. I had some Kashi cereal and sat on the couch for a while, slumping over further and further the longer I sat there, until finally I had to pry my dead ass off the couch and staggered to bed again. It's 10am and I am in BED because I have zero energy or life left in me. My fingers aren't working right, my eyes aren't working right, I feel like I'm going to HURL and if I just lay here for five minutes, I'll probably fall asleep.

I DON'T WANT TO SEELP!!!!

I have CRAP to DO! I am supposed to be getting this house ready for the movers and I cannot even FUNCTION RIGHT NOW. And I should mention that I am swelling ever so slightly. We got my ring sized a half a size larger than I would need it because we knew by the end of my pregnancy that I was going to need that half a size for swelling room. I AM ALREADY USING IT. There is an indentation in my finger from the ring!!!

I hate this. I HATE IT. I don't like being sick. I certainly don't like being sick for NO REASON. And even MORESO, I don't like being sick when I can just STOP TAKING THE MEDICATION AND FEEL BETTER. I want to break shit and punch people and I don't even have the energy. I will surely spend the next six months, in bed, crying my god forsaken EYES OUT.

I can't DO anything. I probably should not be driving when I feel like this. I hate feeling helpless. It doesn't suit me well for as independent as I am. And I want to puke. This pregnancy is going to go down in history, not only as my LAST, but as my WORST.

IT BETTER BE A GIRL. That's all I gotta say.

POP Goes the Mommy!!

Guess what?

This morning, I woke up, and I felt...

PREGNANT!!

I know, RIGHT!?! Who knew?!

I have felt 'not bloated' for several weeks now, but this morning it was like my uterus just felt huge and like it had 'popped'.

It's also starting to get uncomfortable for me to sleep on my belly. I'm a belly sleeper and now I kind of have to sleep with one knee up to take the pressure off my abdomen.

Today, the UPS guy came. In pants. And the poor guy was probably freezing, because it IS freezing out, and snowing. Anyway, he brought me the maternity clothes that mah babydaddy bought for me. I got a pair of capri pants, two pairs of shorts and a belly band to go over my other pants/jeans as my belly starts to expand. Actually, I got them specifically for our trip to Texas next month. I knew it would probably be in the 70's, and I wanted to be comfortable.

I tried everything on after the UPS man left, and let me tell you,  they felt magnificent. I am STILL wearing them. Comfy, cozy, belly hanging out relaxin'. I feel SO much better with maternity pants on!!! And because I'm fat in general, my shirts should fit for my entire pregnancy. I will just buy a few more summer shirts once we move to Texas so I can stay COOL. We all know, with a baby due in September, I am going to be insanely HOT this summer. Thank goodness for air conditioning.

Now where are my Claussen's Pickles and my Carb Smart Ice Cream?!

Let the DRAMA begin!!

I am currently 9 weeks and 4 days into my 6th pregnancy.

I have three children from a previous relationship, ages 10, 8, and 6

Together my new partner and I have a 14 month old son.

I miscarried this last summer at around 8 weeks, so we held off this time around on informing our families of my most recent pregnancy.

We were not ready to inform our families at this point, however someone in my partner's family has no respect for personal boundaries and cannot keep her nose out of other people's business.

I was recently diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. My blood sugar has not been controlled until this point in time because it is a brand new diagnosis. That fact, combined with my most recent miscarriage, and several other factors that tend to come up during the latter half of my pregnancies have made me High Risk.

I will not be seeing a midwife for this pregnancy, which is unfortunate because I really adored her. I will, however, be seeing a slew of other 'specialists'.

In the last five weeks, I have had three ultrasounds, two appointments with a diabetes counselor, an appointment with a dietitian, an appointment with a perinatologist and several OB appointments already.

They are keeping me busy. As if us being a family of 6 doesn't already keep me busy. LOL

So far my outlook this pregnancy is okay. The new diabetic diet is driving me nuts with pregnancy cravings being too restrictive for me to allow the things baby wants me to eat. I feel like I am starving. I have lost 31lbs since November simply from illness related to the diabetes and the new diet change alone. Seven of those pounds were between my last two OB appointments a week apart. I've got another appointment on Friday and it will have been two weeks, so we will see if I have stabilized yet. The OB said she doesn't really want me to lose any more weight, but the perinatologist and I both agreed that I could probably lose another 30lbs and be fine, as long as the baby's growth looks good.

Things with our family is pretty chaotic right now. In the middle of all this necessary stuff, we are moving from Washington State, to Texas. I am 'early nesting' right now and going through EVERYTHING in the house so that the movers don't have to pack a ton of useless crap that we don't need to take with us.

My extended family is having several issues, my step-sister is specifically creating her own brand of drama, that doesn't directly affect us right now, but very well could in the future. Her brother, my stepbrother, also has his own brand of drama that doesn't directly affect us right now, but also very well could in the future. There is a possibility that, if they don't get their shit together, and can't find anyone else to take them, that we could end up with all of their children in our custody in the future, turning us, a family of seven, into a family of 12. Well, you know what they say, right? Cheaper by the dozen.

My partner's family brings a completely different breed of drama to the table, which DOES affect us, and unfortunately it's not in a good way. It never is. Obviously I could go on and on, but I will sum it up in as few sentences as possible. One person in the family met me, the new girl in his life, after I was already pregnant, and she ran her mouth and spread a bunch of LIES. They hold her word higher than Gods and will never believe otherwise. Their actions and behaviors have been nothing less then insane ever since. We have tried extensively to separate ourselves from them and their drama ever since. We appreciate our privacy, we do not like nosy family members who ruin our pregnancy announcements because of their stalker like behaviors. We do not want to hear opinions unless we specifically ask for them, and above all else we expect to have our choices in decisions we make for our children respected. A little respect PERIOD would be nice, but I'm not sure they even know what RESPECT is.

So that is the gist of things. Hold on, because we are in for a wild ride. One that will extend across several state borders and probably (given his family history) be so full of drama that you will want to vomit. So grab your barf bags, and buckle up!!! We leave for Texas in 4 1/2 weeks!!!

(6w6d)