36 weeks 4 days

This will, most likely, be my last post here before our little runt arrives. That is his new nickname. Runt. I'll get to that, trust me.

My blood pressure is doing okay. I guess I would call it stable-ly elevated. I've pretty much stayed in the 149/90 range for the last few weeks without many problems. The persistent headaches continue, and swelling has increased drastically, but the perinatologist has assured me that it's fine.

My blood sugars, which have been elevated recently, have dipped back down to acceptable levels, which makes me wonder if the placenta's integrity isn't an issue now, but that doesn't even really matter now, because our baby will be here Tuesday. His eviction noticed was signed nearly a week and a half ago.

He's repositioned himself back head down, and I have dilated to 2cms thus far, so we are continuing with our induction, rather than a Cesarean at this point in time. However, given baby's current condition, that could still be our end result, unfortunately.

Amnio fluids are still measuring high. Higher, in fact, than they have been. Initial levels that I was aware of were 18cm. A week later, those levels were down to 16cm. They have since increased to 21cm. Too much further beyond where we are now is dangerous and calls for immediate delivery at this point in pregnancy, however, his eviction notice has already been singed, so it's moot at this point.

As of my last posting, at 34 weeks, our baby was measuring 4lbs 3oz and was just under the 10th percentile (9th) for his gestational age.

As of yesterday, 36 weeks 3 days, our baby's growth curve has dropped even further than where it was previously. His estimated weight is between 4lbs 8oz and 4lbs 11oz. His abdominal measuring puts him below the fifth percentile (4.85th percentile). His head measurement was in the 6th percentile and his femur measuring was just below the 3rd percentile. Overall, they consider the abdominal measurement the one to watch. At the 3rd percentile on an abdominal measurement, they would want to deliver immediately. At this point in time, our baby will most likely NOT be breaking the 5lb mark. He is truly the 'runt' of my children, who have all weighed in at greater than 8lbs 6oz.

This particular ultrasound was done in the OB's office, and in my experience, they have a tendency to give 'extra' and over project compared to the ultrasounds that I get at the peri's office. Anyway, after my OB got the report, she literally dropped everything and walked out to go do a phone consult with my perinatologist. He is going to see me tomorrow (Friday) for my regular visit, where I will have another growth ultrasound to basically do the BPP we always do, and to confirm the accuracy of the ultrasound that I had Wednesday with the OB. The perinatologist assured us that it was safe to wait until my already scheduled induction on Tuesday morning. He said he actually prefers to wait until 37 weeks gestation strictly for lung maturity's sake if at all possible. As long as I am stable, and baby is scoring 8/8 on his BPP's and NST's it's okay to wait. The OB said, she'd have LIKED to take him Wednesday, and absolutely would have, had the Peri not assured her that it was fine to let me go a few more days, at the very least, to my appointment with him Friday. At which point we will be re-evaluated with the new ultrasounds and tests, to make sure that we can make it through the weekend. He will let her know if someone needs to see me on Monday or not, or if my induction needs to be bumped up to Monday morning instead of Tuesday morning. Unfortunately, inductions are not done at hospitals around here on the weekends, otherwise I would be going in on Saturday night. My mom flies in from Seattle and arrives in Austin on Saturday at 4:30, so that is the earliest that I would be comfortable doing it, unless it was an emergency. Technically, it's not emergent, but it is a very fine line that we are walking right now....and dare I say, my balance is not that great!!!!

I think the only GOOD news we got this week was that my Group B Strep test came back negative, so I do not need to spend four hours hanging out getting IV antibiotics.

I have been advised, that in the event that my water breaks between now and Tuesday morning, at 5am, that I am to immediately go to the ER so they can take me up to labor and delivery. I am not allowed to wait around and see what happens due to the fact that baby is so small, that he could, quite literally, arrive in one unintentional push. Scary to think, due to the fact that if my water DOES break, I'm going to be pretty well dilated at that point, and without the epidural to slow my labor, and his size, I could very likely have a delivery even more rapid than my third was. From the time my water broke with him, until he was out, it was an hour and 46 minutes. I have to get down three flights of stairs and make it the 20 minute drive across town without delivering in the suburban LOL

Currently, we have about a 90% chance of needing to be transferred to another hospital upon delivery. Our hospital does not have a NICU, but they are equipped to care for babies at 35 weeks with no issues. The neonatal pediatricians and nurses that work in our hospital actually circulate between the local LEVEL 2 and LEVEL 3 NICUs in our area. With our hospital though babies having lung problems have to be transported. At 37 weeks, we won't know until he's here without an amniocentesis, what his lung development looks like. Also, babies having low blood sugar issues also have to be transported. Given my diabetes, he most likely WILL have blood sugar issues.

Babies needing transportation, go to one of two hospitals. Dell Children's, meaning he would have to go by himself until I'm discharged, due to the fact that they do not have maternity suites for moms, or Seton NW, meaning we BOTH would be transported together, because they DO have maternity suites for moms. My OB assured me that she would do everything in her power to have us sent to Seton NW in the event that we have to transport so that we can stay together. Especially since I breastfeed exclusively and we both agree that breastmilk for babies is THE BEST thing, especially in premature infants and infants with issues such as our baby has.

Overall, I'm absolutely terrified. I wish it was Tuesday evening already. That our baby was here. That all the hard decisions had already happened and we could just get the show on the road already. I have thrown myself into researching IUGR and have read everything that I possibly can so far, something that I continue to do. IUGR babies struggle for YEARS to catch up with their peers, which is discouraging. The only encouraging thing that I've read so far is that IUGR babies tend to thrive REALLY well once they are born. They are used to living in a hostile environment and once the strain is off of them, they just do really well!

We will not know until after delivery what the actual cause of the IUGR is, and we really might never know. The most targetable thing we can settle on right now is the fact that my diabetes and my pregnancy induced high blood pressure are both known causes of IUGR. Other possible causes in my case are thing like chromosomal abnormalities, something that we did not test for. Or placental abnormalities, something that we will not know until we see the placenta and possibly have it analyzed.

Anyhow, one way, or another, the newest addition to our family will arrive some time on Tuesday at the latest.

I'll leave you with this....it's a side by side picture of my youngest son, and the new baby. They look so much alike, at this point, that they could be twins! I can't wait to see how the runt compares to his brother once he's here.

34 weeks 2 days

Yesterday was a really hard day for me to deal with emotionally. I don't usually go to my prenatal visits alone, but I didn't really have a choice about it yesterday. It was just a followup visit from Friday, so that we could check on baby again and go over my BP and make sure we were good to go until this next Friday. I really didn't see it as that big a deal, so I was okay with it.

My blood sugars have been wonky. They are supposed to increase the further along you get in pregnancy. The peri and I discussed a fast acting insulin for my meals, but he wants to see my numbers again on Friday to make a decision on them.

My blood pressure is still on the higher side, but it's not as concerning as it was on Friday. It was 141/91, which he was happy enough with to let it slide until my next visit. It's not super out of control and there's still no/little protein in my urine, so things are okay.

The real devastation, was learning that our little one, who has been in the head down position for the last five weeks, has rotated to a full on footling breech at 34 weeks.

Amnio fluid levels still look good. On the higher side of the normal range, but good none the less. His growth is concerning to me, but given the fact that I was so very upset about his being breech, I didn't stick around to ask a lot of questions regarding his lack of weight gain. He measured 4lbs 3oz, which puts him under the 10th percentile now.

After a lengthy discussion with baby's daddy, we've decided NOT to do anything.

I am struggling to "accept the things you cannot change".

We feel very passionately that babies know, by nature, how to come out on their own, and if they don't, there is a reason for it. Given his growth issues, and now this, something deep inside of me, tells me that there is a reason for his being breech now. That something is WRONG and he's in the position he is in because a c-section is going to be in his best interest. He has a couple more weeks in which to turn himself, but we have decided against turning him manually.

I can successfully rotate him myself, and I have the option of doing an external version (ECV) at 37 weeks in the peri's office. But for us, the risks related to those things are too high.

ECV's only have about a 50% success rate. Being done in the Peri's office means that I'm not going to be medicated against any type of pain from the procedure, and they can be VERY painful. There is a chance that something can go wrong during the procedure, and I would have to be rushed to have an emergency c-section anyway. ECV's, if successful, should be followed immidiately by an induction. If they aren't, there is a risk that a stubborn baby will turn themselves back into the breech position.

I could easily attempt to rotate him on my own, with the spinning babies techniques, and most likely I would be successful. However, this nagging feeling that something is WRONG tells me, us, not to. If something truely IS wrong, it's most likely a cord wrapping issue. If I do it myself at home and he flips because I made him, he could die. That would kill me. I'm a very strong woman. I'm not shy to admit that. But I'm pretty sure, this late in the pregnancy, that if something like that happened, I would probably check out mentally and not come back from it. I'm at max capacity right now mentally and that would literally send me over the deep end. Rotating him isn't worth the risk to him OR myself.

If it is a cord issue, even if I was to get him rotated, or rotated through an ECV, he wouldn't be deliverable vaginally anyway, and I would still end up with a C-section.

So really, our only option right now is to wait for him to rotate on his own, knowing that he probably won't and that I will be having a c-section.

I know that women have c-sections every day. I have prepared myself for EMERGENCIES while in labor. I know things go wrong with vaginal births and inductions all the time. I'm okay with that.

I was NOT prepared, at 34 weeks, to go into things thinking that I could have a c-section because my baby was breech. He was in the position he was supposed to be in until I delivered.

There is still time for him to turn. There is still room for him to turn. The question is, is he going to or not?

Only time will tell.

I wonder if I can get a complimentary tummy tuck while they are cutting around down there? "Hey doc, while you've got that scalpel in your hand, could you maybe take 10 inches off my abdomen so I don't have that fat roll anymore?! mKaythanks <3" oh, and "Hey, I know it's not okay with the catholics for you to do my tubal ligation in their hospital, but do you think you could do it on the down low while you're in there??" LOL

34 weeks

Things are going much better on the family front. All the kids have gotten better from their respective illnesses. Momma is still sick however. And it has NOT been fun. Coughing until you puke, and then puking till you almost crap yourself has been one of several highlights on the week's reel.

Our little one has been VERY active these last few weeks. It has been a struggle to keep him on monitors for NSTs and Ultrasounds.

Friday afternoon and evening were extremely chaotic. I spent the evening in Labor and Delivery at the request of both my perinatologist AND my OB.

During my ultrasound with the temporary-peri, the baby's heart rate was extremely elevated for a period. At this point in pregnancy a baby's heart rate should flux from around 138 at a resting rate, to 180 at an active rate. Our little one's heart rate reached well into the 200 range at one point in time and made everyone extremely nervous. There was question as to whether my horrible cough has been causing him too much stress or not. While I was at the hospital on the monitor, you could visually see how much pressure was occurring....If you know anything about watching contractions on a monitor, well into active labor, your contractions will reach the 50 and up range, and a resting abdominal pressure will most likely be somewhere between 3 and 15 depending on where the sensor is positioned. Just coughing, the tension in my abdomen was well into the 60 range. All I could think was "Dear god, my cough is giving the baby a heart attack." Literally my abdominal muscles are strained right now. Not from pregnancy but from tensing up and coughing so that I don't lose my bladder!!

I also had some blood pressures that were alarming to the temp-peri. Were I NOT medicated, those BPs would have been substantially higher than they were. Needless to say, the OB let me come home, with no specific orders.

Baby's heart rate rose during levels of activity and dropped during periods of inactivity. Had his heart rate dropped during active times, that would have been cause for concern. Also my blood pressure stayed relatively close to the 140/90 range and not overly concerning. My blood work all came back great, as did my urine sample. I also had a chest x-ray while I was there, to make sure I didn't have a visible lung infection and everything looked great.

So baby will continue to cook a little longer. Monday afternoon I will see my Peri again, then Wednesday I will see my OB, and again Friday I will see the Peri again. I HOPE that he doesn't want to see me twice a week now, and give me three total appointments a week. I'm not sure that my already busy schedule can take much more.

I have to admit, I maintained my composure very well. Until I was left alone in the hospital. It wasn't until after I got off the phone with little man's daddy that I started to lose my grip. Then the tears fell, albeit briefly. At this point....while 34 weeks is early, I know he would be fine, whatever happens. I really just could not hold it in anymore. I wasn't sure if they would be keeping me at that point. If I would go on bedrest. If I would have to have an emergency c-section. It was kind of scary. I hate not being in control, and in those moments, I only knew the different scenarios that COULD happen.

I spent the morning doing some research and paying closer attention to my body. While my severe mold allergies are a big issue, I think that there are some other factors at work. I have this 'hairy' sensation in the way back of my throat. Like I swallowed some hair and it's stuck. It turns out, that sensation can be caused by things like GERD and severe acid reflux. And what do pregnant women get really bad in pregnancy? Heartburn. Acid Reflux. I've had it every pregnancy and apparently this is the worst. I switched out my heartburn meds for a different kind, and actually got a little bit of relief. I've only had about five near puking episodes with coughing today, so it has been a little better. Not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but better. I'm going to stick with the alternative med for a while and see if it helps.

I've also been having some serious issues with my blood sugar. I am well aware that things go awry the further into pregnancy you get. Now that I'm nearing the end, everything is fubar'ed. My two hour tests are 30 or more points above where they should be. My fasting levels are going nuts. I don't know what the peri is going to do with me now. He could put me on a fast acting insulin to bring those numbers down, or he might let it slide for a little while longer.

No matter what happens, I'm just going to be glad when this baby is here and I can worry LESS about all this stuff that was once unimportant before. It's stressing me out.



Those visible stretch marks are all from previous pregnancies. No new ones yet!! LOL

Kidney Stones and My New OB 27w6d

The last several days have been exciting, to say the very least.

From day one, I knew that my new OB's office in TX was NOT going to be a good fit for me. That point was taken to heart and well proven over the last few days. Several other choices I have made as a patient were also supported.

All day Wednesday I was feeling 'off' so to speak. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I knew that something wasn't right.

Wednesday evening the man went to softball practice. I didn't go, because I just wasn't feeling that good. Even though the temperatures outside had dropped about 10 degrees, I just couldn't bring myself to go anywhere. I opted to stay home with the kids. I'd taken a lengthy nap that afternoon and he actually had to wake me up before he left. About 15 minutes after he left, I got up to use the bathroom and was peeing straight blood. I knew then that I was having a kidney stone issue or a severe kidney infection. I wasn't in pain, but I knew it was serious. I tried to call him on his cell phone, but he didn't answer. I called out to my OB's office then. It was 7:30, and already after business hours. The on call OB, Dr Phelps called me back and he advised me to go to labor and delivery.

I spent the next hour and a half, calling the man, attempting to get him on the phone to come home and take me to the hospital. Bare in mind, I'm not in pain at this point, but in serious panic. I go ahead and send the kids to bed, knowing that I'm going to have to drive myself to the hospital, 40 minutes away, once he gets home. I drink 24 ounces of water, hoping it will help with the cramping that has started now.

Shortly after 9pm, he calls me and asks me what is going on. He had 27 missed calls from me. His phone was on the charger in the truck. He came home and then he told me to call him and let him know what was going on as I was leaving. I said "whatever" and left. Yes, I was pissed. I'm pregnant. Your phone should be on you. What if my water broke in the two hours you were gone and I delivered the baby and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. WHAT THEN? IDIOT.

I reach the hospital around 10pm. They call labor and delivery and I wait for someone to come and get me. I get a gown on, I leave a urine sample. The nurse asks me if I'm having any pains. I tell her that I'm having mild contractions, but I'm okay at this point minus a cramping feeling in my right side. I inform her that I've had kidney stones twice before, that I'm 99% positive that THAT is what this is and that I need some pyridium and probably an antibiotic at this point. They hook me up to the monitor to watch baby. I have a couple of contractions and then everything stops. Baby looks fine. I go through the registration process which takes nearly two hours. The nurse checks my urine and says I have trace protein, and that I've maxed out the blood on her dipstick. It stops at 250. She apparently speaks to the doctor, and comes back and says they are discharging me.

The guy did NOTHING for me. No IV fluids to help flush the stone out. No ultrasound to confirm the presence of a stone. No meds to soothe my urinary tract to help with the pain. No NOTHING. I was told to call my provider in the morning so that she could give me an ultrasound to check on the stone.

What the fuck ever. I leave to go home, and arrive there around 1am.

By 2am I am thriving in pain. Literally screaming in agony it is so bad. The man wanted to take me back to the hospital and I refused to go again. He was FURIOUS at the doctor for doing NOTHING. The doctor didn't even come and SEE me, even though he was at the hospital.

Around 4am, after 3-25mg benadryl's I finally fall asleep. I get up at 7:30 with a continuing dull ache in my right side.

I call the OB's office and tell them that I was at Labor and Delivery the night before and that I have to be seen. That I have a kidney stone, that I need meds and an ultrasound.

She gives me a 10:10 appointment. I wake everyone in the house up, so that we can go. The man refuses to get up. I have sat with him for HOURS ON END, TIME AND TIME AGAIN at doctor's appointments and hospitals, and his back hurts so he doesn't want to go. I was LIVID. I took the my oldest son with me, because he had an appointment with the orthodontist at 1:30 in Austin and I didn't know if I would make it back in time to pick him up.

I arrive at the clinic and then we wait in the waiting room for at least 30 minutes, then back in the office another 40 minutes or so before my OB finally comes in. She doesn't understand why the on-call OB didn't at least give me fluids. She gives me pyridium to help with the pain in the urinary tract and tells me that there is really nothing they can do but wait for the stone to pass. I get it, I'm pregnant. At least she gave me the perscription for the pyridium. She SHOULD have done an ultrasound, but didn't. She sent my urine off to the lab to see if I needed antibiotics, and sent me on my way.

The rest of the day, I spend in and out of random bathrooms because any urine in my bladder AT ALL is irritating. I get my son to the orthodontist. I get back into town and stop at Walmart to pick up my perscription. I stop at the dental office to see about them pulling one of my son's teeth that needs to be pulled before the braces can go on. They want to see him at 9am the next morning. Then we go home. Through all of this, I'm still angry at the man for not being with me when I needed him to be. I get home, I'm still hruting, but whatever, life goes on.

About 8pm, I'm DYING. Puking because the pain is so intense. I was ready to cut my bladder out with a steak knife. I felt like I was stabbed in the back on my right side. I was having hard contractions and screaming and crying again. I got up, got dressed and literally could not even stand upright I was in so much pain. I screamed and cried all the way down three flights of stairs. I don't waste time calling the piece of shit OB this time. The man takes me straight to the local hospital, which is eight minutes away comes back home with the kids after the ER staff gets me in the back and he's sure they are going to take care of me. I scream and cry for another hour before they finish with the ultrasound on my entire urinary tract and the baby. They were digging the damn probe into my kidney and making me hurt even worse. They admit me shortly midnight and give me a huge dose of morphine.

Within 10 minutes of being upstairs in labor and delivery, the on-call OB for the hospital is in my room. We go through my history, my high risk status, my previous pregnancy. There is a stone, right above my bladder, on my right side. It is still in the tube and that is why it's hurting so bad. It's having a hard time getting into my bladder. She is completely shocked that they did NOTHING for me at the visit the night before, because the other hospital is supposed to be a really good one. She's sorry I'm in pain, but she's glad I came back, and to a different hospital.

The severe pain fades overnight. She sends me home around lunch time with shit ton of narcotics. Enough to kill an elephant. I'm supposed to watch for the stone, and come in if the pain gets worse, of if I start to develope an infection. Burning urination etc. So far, I'm clean for an infection, which is great news. Baby still looks good. No contractions since the pain meds and pyridium are taking care of the irritation being caused to baby and my uterus.

Dr. Holley, the on-call OB who saw me, is now MY OB. I called yesterday afternoon when we got home and canceled my oppointment with the other OB clinic and let them know that I would NOT be returning. That they were completely incompetent. That Dr Phelp's bedside manner was SHIT and that I could have DIED because of his stupid mistakes and failure to give me an ultrasound to investigate where my stone was at. Had I had a full out blockage, I could have gotten sepsis and DIED! All the while they said there was 'nothing we can do'. I was severely dehydrated and that is what was causing the contractions. I could have lost my baby because of THEM. That I would NEVER recommend their practice to ANYONE I knew.

I'm still in a fair amount of pain. Still waiting for the stone to pass. Today pretty much went with me getting up around 8am, yelling at one of the kids for some reason I couldn't remember later, taking another round of pain meds, sitting at the computer for 30 minutes before the med kicked in, then crawling back in bed and sleeping until 2pm. I haven't taken more meds yet, and the pain is ever present, but I would really like to get some sleep tonight, at a normal time.

Overall, I'm really happy that I have a new OB. She is fantastic. She met all the kids and the man. They all liked her too. No more driving 40 minutes away to see a public health style doctor who doesn't really give a shit about their patients. No more wasted gas. No more wasted time. And our new hospital is better than the other one. The nurses are just as nice and everyone will be a lot happier in the end.

I also get to continue seeing my perinatologist, because Dr Holley refers ALL of her high risk patients to him. He is THAT GOOD. :)

27 weeks 1 day

Great news, the increase on my blood pressure medicine must be working. I'm only really having a headache first thing when I wake up in the morning. Also, no more face or lip swelling since the increase! WOOHOO! I can't check my BP, because insurance won't cover a cuff and I can't buy a new one yet, but I took my BP in the grocery store today and it was 119/78, which is GREAT!!

I completed my 24 hour urine collection and the rest of my blood tests this morning, but I'm pretty sure my urine will be clean, because I bought some keytone strips and have been testing my urine at home LOL

I need to call and talk to the nurse about upping my insulin at night time again, from 12 to 14 units. My fasting levels are starting to creep up again, and have been for four days running. I see that there is an every three weeks pattern going on LOL

Saturday I get to go and spend the entire day at my OB's office doing some seven hour long prenatal workshop so I can earn a voucher for a free carseat. I'm not super excited about this. I've given birth four times already. Things haven't changed since the last time other than the fact that I'm high risk and get more attention this time. Whatever. Beggers can't be choosers. I'm not getting a shower and I'm pretty sure baby won't get any gifts either, so at least we will get something we are going to NEED purchased, or at least at a discounted rate.

I made about two hours worth of phone calls today. Apparently here in the great state of Texas, everything really is bigger, including foreskin....because insurance here covers circumcisons. The last baby was covered under his daddy on Tricare, which surprised me. My oldest two boys had to be paid for in cash. Good times.

Other than that, things are going okay.

I am entering panic mode about my delivery. I'm alone here in TX, with no one, other than my partner for support. That kind of puts us in a sticky situation as far as my delivery goes. Either we find some stranger to watch our four kids for 12-18 hours while I labor and give birth, or I do this all alone. I'm trying not to get hysterical over the prospect of giving birth alone. Or having a c-section alone. I'm trying not to think about the fact that I could go in to have an emergency c-section and DIE and not have the man I love, or ANYONE who loves me by my side. I'm trying to ignore the fact that shit like that happens to me. The stuff nobody thinks could ever happen, happens to me LOL. I don't want to have my baby alone. I don't want to share those moments with a strange nurse and a doctor that probably isn't even going to be my own because they are a revolving practice that rotates who is 'on call'. Mentally, it's a huge challenge for me right now to keep my head on straight. I wish I had close friends or family here. I wish I was home in Washington. I wish I was having a home birth and none of the hospital crap even mattered. I wish there was someone that could put their life on hold for a day and either be there with me, or take care of my kids....and there is just not. Anyone. I think that is the toughest pill that I have had to swallow yet. Far tougher than making the leap to move across the country, out of my home state, for the first time EVER.

Tomorrow's checkup with the Parinatologist.

Tomorrow is my 26 week checkup with the Perinatologist.

I have to say, I'm not super duper excited about this.

My blood presure has continued to rise back up to my normal levels since I initially started taking my BP medication (procardia) two weeks ago.

The pain in my head has increased to the extent that it continues for all but about two hours in the morning after I take my medication and basically throbs to the extent that this evening I can hear my heart beating within my head. There is no sleeping it off as I have often done with the headaches I got prior to pregnancy, it just continues on it's merry way without thinking twice about ME.

The swelling in my lip area is now starting to extend to the area round my mouth each morning and it is a nightmare to look in the mirror every morning not knowing what I might find 'this time'.

I have tried my damndest to stay in bed on my left side, or on the sofa with my feet as far up as I can get them. I have avoided leaving the house at nearly all costs, with few exceptions, particularly for financial reasons with the intent to secure my family prior to the impending doom of hospital bedrest that I know is on the horizon.

The man and I have had several very frank conversations and tend to agree that the best route, at this point, would probably be hospital bedrest, and while we are certainly not happy about it, we know that it's the right thing to do for baby and I. So if, or when, it needs to be done, it's something we wouldn't resist. Even if it's tomorrow. He is worried now. You can see it in his face. It breaks my heart and makes me cry to know how he is feeling. That there is NOTHING that he can do to fix it, or me, or make sure this baby is okay.

I have managed to get a few newborn and preemie items to start us off once baby finally comes home. We got the diaper bag, and the carseat.....the rest we will manage while baby is still in the NICU.



Mentally, I'm starting to crack. I know that baby will be okay, I'm just not sure that *I* will be okay. I'm scared. Genuinely. And I'm pretty much having an internal panic attack about it. And I feel pretty alone in all of this right now. I know there are a few people who are supportive from a distance, but physically, it is lonely here dealing with all of this.

We have been open and honest with the kids about the posibility of me being hospitalized and the fact that I am really sick. I'm not sure that they understand completely, but they do know that momma always does what is right and for the right reasons and that we will all manage to somehow get through this.

Today, the cuff on my blood pressure monitor burst on my arm. We went to Walgreens, unfortunately they do not sell replacement cuffs. We had a lengthy conversation with the pharmacist about my condition and she tended to agree, that were she my doctor, she'd admit me at this point.

Having someone agree, scares me. Knowing that my body is going to kill this baby, or it will kill me, is eating me up inside. I feel like my body is a failure. I feel like I have failed as a woman, to protect and carry this child. I felt quite similarly when I miscarried. And knowing that this is the LAST child, because my body can't do it anymore....while I'm not READY to be done, also eats me up inside. My body has taken the choices away from me. I want to kick, and scream, have a tantrum and cry. It's a lot to accept in one swallow.

Did I mention how bad my head hurts? And that pain won't go away until my blood pressure comes down, and even then, the reprieve will only last a few hours.

I desperately need to make it to the 32 week mark. 27 weeks is in sight.

After my ultrasound tomorrow, if baby hasn't grown, or something else happens, they might just take him out. Then we will shift on to new worries, I'm sure. We just don't know what is going to happen right now. Not knowing is the worst. Mommies shouldn't have to deal with this stuff. Ever. Their bodies should just do the right thing. And I have accepted enough of the UNKNOWN this year. In this lifetime. I'm not sure that I can cope with MORE right now.

22 weeks 4 days

I had my second visit with the perinatologist two days ago.

I stabilized my weight for two weeks, and actually gained one pound, but I'm really not going to count it, because I'm pretty sure that in two more weeks, it will be gone again LOL

All my lab work that the perinatologist had done, including my 24 hour urine, came back great.

My blood pressure is under observation now. Since the babydaddy has high blood pressure, we have a machine at the house. I will be taking my blood pressures twice a day for the next two weeks, and bringing the results in to the perinatologist when I go back in. When I was there, my BP was in the 140/95 range.  Some of my home tests have been SUBSTANTIALLY higher than that. 180/98 and even 191/101.

Today in the OB's office, it was 133/98 (any first number over 140 is suspect, and any second number 90 and above is suspect according to the standards for pregnancy). So even though my first number had dropped some, my second number was still considered high. I'm also dumping protien in my urine and have the accompanying headaches. Which basically signals pre-eclampsia, but they don't like to actually diagnose it until the third trimester. The third trimester technically begins at 26 weeks. Anything that begins between the 20th and 32nd week is considered 'early onset'. Most likely, they will not try and medicate me for the high blood pressure. They will put me on bedrest, monitor me more closely and make me do 24 hour urine's once a week or so to monitor the protien.

The perinatologists wants me to have another ultrasound in two weeks (June 2nd). I will have my first Non-stress test (NST) at 32 weeks. I also need to have an EKG done on my heart, and have an eye exam done to make sure that having diabetes hasn't damaged my heart or my eyes during my pregnancy.

I was also told that I will be induced some time between my 36th and 38th week, depending on when my cervix is ready. I walked around dialated to 4cms for a month prior to my induction with my last baby at 39 weeks, so most likely they will be taking the baby around my 36th week and he will end up in the NICU for a little while to make sure he's okay. Which means all the stuff that goes along with that. Like steroid injections for the baby to make sure his lungs are developed in utero before they deliver me.

If my blood pressure insists on continuing to be an issue, and I have to be on bedrest, and being on bedrest does not help my blood pressure levels, I could end up on hospital bedrest, or having an even earlier delivery than at 36weeks. Considering the fact that I've had four babies before this one, and as well versed as I am via experience and research, I am aware of most of the consequences this could have on our baby. The only cure for pregnancy related high blood pressure is DELIVERY. The survival rate for girls born premature is much better than for boys born premature, as well as the consequences. They can't quite explain it, but it's the way it is. I won't bore you with any more of the morbid details, it is what it is, but I have every intention on keeping this baby right where he belongs at least until that 36 week mark.

That is what is going on with baby and I right now. We are just taking it one day at a time.

Oh, and we have a name, but we aren't telling. :-p

Settling In

Today is the first day in nearly three full weeks that I have been able to sit down and write. We just got our internet, cable and phone service installed the day before yesterday...which was installed by a black man with a full on, top and bottom, gold grill. It took everything I had in me to not laugh. It was something that I had never seen in real life before and I honestly thought it was something that only rappers did. It still makes me laugh. He somehow managed to not do his job right, and we were still without telephone service more than 24 hours later. We were also told that we would be getting THREE cable boxes, and only ended up getting ONE. AND the internet was BASIC internet and not wireless, so we had to run out and buy a wireless router. Spending money we didn't really have didn't make me very happy, but at least I have my internet back. It has been a horribly long wait, that wasn't helped by the fact that the woman in the office didn't put the request in for us BEFORE WE GOT HERE like she was ASKED to do. Two weeks later, she still hadn't put the request in, and we had to go above her for it. I pretty much want to punch this broad in the face.

As far as me, baby and our medical state go, I'm struggling a little. Texas hospitals and physicians will not accept out of state medical programs. I went to the hospital to get a once over and a referral and they flat out refused to see me, because 'nothing was wrong' with me. I wasn't bleeding, cramping or contracting, so they couldn't do anything. Including get me a referral. I ended up eventually finding a resource that I could utilize, a sliding fee clinic at Texas A&M's Health Science division. They will basically hold my bill until my new insurance company kicks in and takes over.

Let me tell you though, I am LESS THAN SATISFIED with the level of care that I have received there. I've only had ONE visit and I already know that I hate the place. The doctor that I saw struck me as extremely incompetent. She's an OB/GYN with basically no concept of ANYTHING pregnancy related. It didn't matter to her at all that I am high risk. She didn't want to see my sugar levels for the previous weeks. She didn't ask how the trip had gone, or inquire to make sure that I had stopped often for bathroom breaks or to get out and walk. No questions about complications in prior pregnancies. Not a word about my medications. She didn't even DOPPLER THE BABY, until I straight up ASKED. Honestly, it SICKENS me to my very CORE that I have to go back and see her for at least one more visit before I can get myself a REAL doctor. The complete doctor/insurance situation has made me not seek medical attention for a few situations that I'm currently dealing with on my own right now, but really do need to see a doctor for. Particularly a cyst that has abscessed, and an infection.

In the middle of all this transition, I am now 17.2 weeks pregnant, and I should be worrying about and looking forward to my BIG ULTRASOUND where we find out the sex of the baby. Something that generally occurs between the 18th and 20th week. Yeah, I'm REALLY not happy about THAT one.

The baby is moving a bit now. We have felt some pretty good movement in the last couple of days. This baby is busy. I'm getting heartburn more often, which kinda makes me laugh because I don't feel like this baby has even GROWN. I haven't gained a pound of weight, only lost thus far.

The only real 'productive' thing that I've managed to do since we have been here, is get two of the kids set to start school on Monday morning. The third child that goes to school has special circumstances where we actually have to sit down with staff members and have a meeting before we can start him in school. We have to make sure he is in the appropriate program and that everything is going to be good from the get go.

The other half tore the ligaments in his hand and thumb while playing on the playground with the baby. On our way back from seeing the doctor, we stopped at McDonalds, where he got food poisioning from eating chicken that was either cooked inproperly or unsanitary conditions in the kitchen. BET I called the Health Inspector and ALSO mentioned that they had flies all over their dining area and that they probably have maggots in the back somewhere. Good times.

Ultimately, I am really missing Washington. There is a lot going on back home and people need me. CHILDREN need me and I should be there and I'm not. I feel guilty for that. I also really loathe change. The struggle to change schools, doctors, hospitals....find new grocery stores, restaurants, places to play.....really makes me sick and wears me down. For the most part, I just want to sit on the couch right now and not DO anything. I don't want to unpack a single box more and they are towering everywhere. I don't particularly feel like socializing with anyone aside from my immediate family either.

Don't get me wrong, we are GOOD right now, I'm just not real happy with a lot of things/situations that are ultimately out of my control at this point in time.

For now, I will stop there. I want to get to the stuff that is happening at home, but it really does need it's own blog.

We have arrived in Texas.

The trip here was a little crazy, to say the least.

After the packers left, the movers showed up and slowly, box by box, our stuff disappeared, and has yet to be seen since. Two more days and it should be arriving. The reason it is taking so long is because we are the first load in a 75 foot semi truck. After our driver, Mike, picked up our load, he had to go pick up four other families loads. One in Pasco, WA, another in Spokane, WA and then two more back in Seattle, WA. Then his stops to drop off stuff included two deliveries in Denver, CO, one in Missouri somewhere, with a two day stop to see his family since he hasn't been home since the 11th of March, then another drop off in Oklahoma, before he comes here to Austin, TX. I can't say I blame him for wanting to see his family at all. That's a long time to be away.

The first evening in an empty house was especially boring. The second evening, without internet, was almost unbearable. Saturday morning was 'the big day'. The actual day that we pulled out of Seattle. Given the fact that our apartment complex flat out refused to honor the man's MILITARY ORDERS, I made sure that I took pictures of EVERYTHING in the apartment after it was cleaned out, for evidence purposes. We have since been notified that our keys, that we placed in a brown envelope and dropped into the rent box, marked with our names and our apartment number, have been LOST by management. They are so utterly incompetent that it's not even funny anymore. We should have suspected as much after they lost three months worth of rent checks in a ROW. All of this has happened after a takeover from a new management team. You'd THINK that after the first month they would have figured it out, but apparently NOT. Good thing that after the first lost rent check we were smart enough to start getting receipts. *rolls eyes*

Saturday morning we struggled for about two hours to get the suburban loaded with the remainder of our belongings and the items that the moving company could not pack. We failed, epically. We ended up throwing out most of our cleaning products, along with other things that we had intended on keeping. Fortunately we have since replaced the majority of those items, and THEN some LOL

We got several hours into our trip and decided that we were really just too cramped into the suburban to continue in such a fashion and ended up calling ahead and renting a Uhaul in the Portland, Oregon area. The first Uhaul company that they sent us to was in an industrial area, basically in someones garage. I almost planted my ass in the mud on the way down the hill back to the suburban. We ended up having to go to a second Uhaul office because we had to get a tow ball and the wiring mechanism to be able to tow the trailer with. Not our fault they didn't have it, but then we ended up driving all over hell with the crappy GPS lady taking us along all these weird streets because it was the 'shortest route'.  It was a disaster.

 We drove through Oregon for the rest of the day, stopping in the Medford area to get a hotel room because it was getting late and we were all tired. Unfortunately, the man, unbeknownest to him, had maxed out the number of transactions he's allowed in a month. He had no idea that he was only allowed a maximum number of transactions. And since his checking account was empty and we didn't have a credit card with enough money remaining on the balance, we go rejected from EIGHT hotels before we were able to find a place that would take a CASH payment. We ended up in some back alley Econolodge run by an old Indian guy, and had to sneak the kids in and out because we have too many kids to get just ONE room. At least there were no bed bugs.

The second day of our journey went a little better. We went through the snowy mountain range that lies between Oregon and California and it was actually snowing while we were driving, but the roads remained clear for the most part. I got to see a coyote carrying a kill, and several deer. This time we thought ahead and stopped in a town with an Air Station Naval Base, so that we would have access to the man's bank. We stayed in a Best Western that was really nice and we slept in until 8am the next morning, had a Burger King breakfast and then hit the Navy Fed on our way out of town.

Day three was relatively uneventful. Lots of driving. Basically the same scenery that we had seen on our trip to California last May. We managed to make it from a small town north of the grapevine, all the way into Phoenix, Arizona, where we stayed in yet another skanky hotel. This time it was a TravelLodge and it was gross, but again, no bugs, unless you count the spider that was in the shower the next morning.

Day four took us through the remainder of Arizona, and passed the miles and miles of huge cacti. We also made it completely through the state of New Mexico and into El Paso, Texas before nightfall. We ate at a little restaurant on the boarder of TX and NM that was actually pretty good.

Day five started off with a good sized cock roach on the dresser in the morning. As we drove out of El Paso we could clearly see the giant wall that marks the border between the United States and Mexico. The kids thought that it was really cool that they could see into another country. You could definitely tell the difference between America and Mexico from I-10. The duration of this day was SUPER boring. I cannot explain HOW boring. It's unfathomable. Let's just say the most fun we had in Western Texas was playing the 'windmill game'. People in Western Texas really like their windmills. We met a friend of ours in San Antonio, where we had dinner and stayed in a decent hotel, but there was no internet service. Boo.

Day six started with the baby puking all over his little shoes. I had to take his laces out and wash everything in the hotel sink, and then stuff it all into the trailer. We basically drove for two hours on day six, then stayed the night in a hotel near our new apartment complex.

Day seven we signed our lease, moved all our stuff into the apartment out of the trailer, took the trailer back, and let the kids enjoy the sunshine a little. The only disappointment thus far is the fact that our unit was NOT CLEANED before they gave it to us. There is a certain level of 'ick factor' to go with that. I am pretty sure all they did was vacuum and then the maintenance people came and painted our bedroom door for some reason or another.

The following two days since then have been relatively busy. We purchased an additional crib that the baby is currently sleeping in, but that will be used for the new baby once 'it' comes. We also purchased a washer and dryer set that will be delivered this coming Thursday. We have had several trips to Walmart and the Dollar Store to pick up some necessities. We have redone the guest bathroom since we had to throw out the old rugs, among other things, and have basically just hung out, waiting for the weekend to get over so that we could start making phone calls for services.

Wednesday morning the moving truck will be here to unload our stuff. We are pretty excited.

Wednesday afternoon I have an appointment to meet with an advocate to get my address stuff straightened out. I should have my new address cards by the end of the week, and then we can enroll the kids in school. I'm sure that it will be a week or so from THAT point before they get the kids' records and we can enroll them in school.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to the hospital and get a once over and a referral for a local high risk OB/GYN. I'm doing pretty good baby wise. My sugars are looking GREAT. I've got some swelling which is probably due to adjusting to the extreme temperature changes between states. I've also had a few headaches, which just happen when my blood sugar levels get too low.

One of the kids is pretty homesick, but I'm sure he will get over it soon. Once our stuff gets here, and he goes to school, things will be better.

I'm still not really sure how I feel about all of this. I think I'm kind of down about it all. I don't really want to go outside or hang out with the man and his friends that live here. I just don't really feel like doing anything at all right now. Certainly not being nice and friendly with people. Which is unfortunate because the people here are really friendly. I'm not sure if it's bordering on NOSEY yet or not, but I WILL be blogging about them LOL