25 weeks

Emotionally, I have somehow managed, thus far, to hold it all together. Maybe that is my way of inadvertently trying to reassure my partner that everything will be okay, when everything is going horribly wrong right now. He actually has no clue as to how serious things are. He knows what is going on, but he just doesn't grasp the depth. I'd rather keep him oblivious, for all of our sakes. LOL

I am, and have always been, a woman of strength. I vent a lot of things about the struggles that I am having after the strain of carrying it all has taken me over the limit. I vent it off, and somehow, beyond what I even knew I was capable of dealing with, I manage to carry on. I manage to keep calm during the daily challenges by setting everything aside. I set aside the emotions and basically do a mental 'check out' with whatever I had to set aside. THAT is how I have managed to survive.

As the days go by though, the gravity of the situation right now is really starting to clamp down harder on me.

I spoke with my mother on the phone last night. She has laryngitis. She's not in pain at all, but her voice sounds horrible. When I started talking to her about the baby and my condition right now, and she responded....her voice cracked and it almost sounded like she was speaking through tears and was in pain....not by the fact that her voice is messed up due to illness, but out of genuine worry, concern, and pain for me. In that moment, I couldn't hold back the tears that silently streamed down my cheeks.

In these moments, I'm glad that there is no one here, face to face, to speak with me about such things. I would not be able to keep myself together. I would much rather shed my tears alone, than further bear my soul for an audience. I would not want anyone to be burdened by such a situation either, so I'm kind of glad that there is no one close at hand.

I awoke this morning with a some swelling in my face. My lower lip in particular, was noticeably swollen when I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. While my blood pressure has been fine today, and only the most moderate of swelling is visible on my hands and feet...I still worry.

I spent most of my day in bed, which was strange, given the fact that I didn't even get out of bed until 10:30 this morning. I napped for about four hours, assisted with dinner, and have been lying on the couch ever since, watching movies. I drank as much water as I could, which was apparent enough by the 50 visits to the bathroom I made today. I'm certain that I over-exerted myself yesterday, but it was necessary that we spend three hours in Austin tying up some loose ends.

Two hours from now marks week 25 and baby's survival rate increases to 50%. That fact provides me with a small bit of comfort...but doesn't soothe the soul quite completely enough.

Beyond that, beyond baby, I am still struggling to accept the fact that this is the end. That the choice to have more children has been made for me. By my own body. It's kind of the enemy right now! LOL

In the coming weeks, I plan on venturing out to pick up a few preemie outfits and a few baby supplies that need to be replenished. Diaper cream, baby shampoo, some more lotion, cotton balls, vaseline...you know the things I mean....

The bassinette will be pulled out, the sheets washed, receiving blankets washed, burp rags located, washed and folded....I have to be prepared, because there will not be time later. Nesting will start early....even if he doesn't come home right away. He will come home. He will.

We have arrived in Texas.

The trip here was a little crazy, to say the least.

After the packers left, the movers showed up and slowly, box by box, our stuff disappeared, and has yet to be seen since. Two more days and it should be arriving. The reason it is taking so long is because we are the first load in a 75 foot semi truck. After our driver, Mike, picked up our load, he had to go pick up four other families loads. One in Pasco, WA, another in Spokane, WA and then two more back in Seattle, WA. Then his stops to drop off stuff included two deliveries in Denver, CO, one in Missouri somewhere, with a two day stop to see his family since he hasn't been home since the 11th of March, then another drop off in Oklahoma, before he comes here to Austin, TX. I can't say I blame him for wanting to see his family at all. That's a long time to be away.

The first evening in an empty house was especially boring. The second evening, without internet, was almost unbearable. Saturday morning was 'the big day'. The actual day that we pulled out of Seattle. Given the fact that our apartment complex flat out refused to honor the man's MILITARY ORDERS, I made sure that I took pictures of EVERYTHING in the apartment after it was cleaned out, for evidence purposes. We have since been notified that our keys, that we placed in a brown envelope and dropped into the rent box, marked with our names and our apartment number, have been LOST by management. They are so utterly incompetent that it's not even funny anymore. We should have suspected as much after they lost three months worth of rent checks in a ROW. All of this has happened after a takeover from a new management team. You'd THINK that after the first month they would have figured it out, but apparently NOT. Good thing that after the first lost rent check we were smart enough to start getting receipts. *rolls eyes*

Saturday morning we struggled for about two hours to get the suburban loaded with the remainder of our belongings and the items that the moving company could not pack. We failed, epically. We ended up throwing out most of our cleaning products, along with other things that we had intended on keeping. Fortunately we have since replaced the majority of those items, and THEN some LOL

We got several hours into our trip and decided that we were really just too cramped into the suburban to continue in such a fashion and ended up calling ahead and renting a Uhaul in the Portland, Oregon area. The first Uhaul company that they sent us to was in an industrial area, basically in someones garage. I almost planted my ass in the mud on the way down the hill back to the suburban. We ended up having to go to a second Uhaul office because we had to get a tow ball and the wiring mechanism to be able to tow the trailer with. Not our fault they didn't have it, but then we ended up driving all over hell with the crappy GPS lady taking us along all these weird streets because it was the 'shortest route'.  It was a disaster.

 We drove through Oregon for the rest of the day, stopping in the Medford area to get a hotel room because it was getting late and we were all tired. Unfortunately, the man, unbeknownest to him, had maxed out the number of transactions he's allowed in a month. He had no idea that he was only allowed a maximum number of transactions. And since his checking account was empty and we didn't have a credit card with enough money remaining on the balance, we go rejected from EIGHT hotels before we were able to find a place that would take a CASH payment. We ended up in some back alley Econolodge run by an old Indian guy, and had to sneak the kids in and out because we have too many kids to get just ONE room. At least there were no bed bugs.

The second day of our journey went a little better. We went through the snowy mountain range that lies between Oregon and California and it was actually snowing while we were driving, but the roads remained clear for the most part. I got to see a coyote carrying a kill, and several deer. This time we thought ahead and stopped in a town with an Air Station Naval Base, so that we would have access to the man's bank. We stayed in a Best Western that was really nice and we slept in until 8am the next morning, had a Burger King breakfast and then hit the Navy Fed on our way out of town.

Day three was relatively uneventful. Lots of driving. Basically the same scenery that we had seen on our trip to California last May. We managed to make it from a small town north of the grapevine, all the way into Phoenix, Arizona, where we stayed in yet another skanky hotel. This time it was a TravelLodge and it was gross, but again, no bugs, unless you count the spider that was in the shower the next morning.

Day four took us through the remainder of Arizona, and passed the miles and miles of huge cacti. We also made it completely through the state of New Mexico and into El Paso, Texas before nightfall. We ate at a little restaurant on the boarder of TX and NM that was actually pretty good.

Day five started off with a good sized cock roach on the dresser in the morning. As we drove out of El Paso we could clearly see the giant wall that marks the border between the United States and Mexico. The kids thought that it was really cool that they could see into another country. You could definitely tell the difference between America and Mexico from I-10. The duration of this day was SUPER boring. I cannot explain HOW boring. It's unfathomable. Let's just say the most fun we had in Western Texas was playing the 'windmill game'. People in Western Texas really like their windmills. We met a friend of ours in San Antonio, where we had dinner and stayed in a decent hotel, but there was no internet service. Boo.

Day six started with the baby puking all over his little shoes. I had to take his laces out and wash everything in the hotel sink, and then stuff it all into the trailer. We basically drove for two hours on day six, then stayed the night in a hotel near our new apartment complex.

Day seven we signed our lease, moved all our stuff into the apartment out of the trailer, took the trailer back, and let the kids enjoy the sunshine a little. The only disappointment thus far is the fact that our unit was NOT CLEANED before they gave it to us. There is a certain level of 'ick factor' to go with that. I am pretty sure all they did was vacuum and then the maintenance people came and painted our bedroom door for some reason or another.

The following two days since then have been relatively busy. We purchased an additional crib that the baby is currently sleeping in, but that will be used for the new baby once 'it' comes. We also purchased a washer and dryer set that will be delivered this coming Thursday. We have had several trips to Walmart and the Dollar Store to pick up some necessities. We have redone the guest bathroom since we had to throw out the old rugs, among other things, and have basically just hung out, waiting for the weekend to get over so that we could start making phone calls for services.

Wednesday morning the moving truck will be here to unload our stuff. We are pretty excited.

Wednesday afternoon I have an appointment to meet with an advocate to get my address stuff straightened out. I should have my new address cards by the end of the week, and then we can enroll the kids in school. I'm sure that it will be a week or so from THAT point before they get the kids' records and we can enroll them in school.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to the hospital and get a once over and a referral for a local high risk OB/GYN. I'm doing pretty good baby wise. My sugars are looking GREAT. I've got some swelling which is probably due to adjusting to the extreme temperature changes between states. I've also had a few headaches, which just happen when my blood sugar levels get too low.

One of the kids is pretty homesick, but I'm sure he will get over it soon. Once our stuff gets here, and he goes to school, things will be better.

I'm still not really sure how I feel about all of this. I think I'm kind of down about it all. I don't really want to go outside or hang out with the man and his friends that live here. I just don't really feel like doing anything at all right now. Certainly not being nice and friendly with people. Which is unfortunate because the people here are really friendly. I'm not sure if it's bordering on NOSEY yet or not, but I WILL be blogging about them LOL

Movers are coming....

Tomorrow morning the movers are coming.

They will be here between 8:30 and 9:30.

I am a ball of hormones. And tears.

Not just about strange people touching all my crap and being in my house and up in my shit. But about moving to Texas.

I'm not ready for this.

I'm not ready to leave my family and move half way across the country, 2500 miles.

I am, and I'm not.

I mean, I'm ready to start fresh. I'm ready for a new part of my life, OUR LIVES, to begin. I'm ready for sunshine and outside time.....summer for 9 months out of the year instead of rain. Because you know, for the other three months, instead of snow, it's just too hot to function. Thank god for Central Air. I am ready to leave the yucky past behind. 2500 miles behind, and never hear of it again.

I'm not ready for change. I don't handle change well. I'm not ready to change doctors. I'm not ready for the kids to change schools. I'm not ready to not be able to go to Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties. I'm not ready to not be able to go have lunch with one of my friends that is so awesome she is better than a sister. I'm not ready to not have the prospect of having coffee with a friend. I'm not ready to not be able to call my mom up and say "I have an emergency, I need you to watch the baby/kids".

I am scared. Of newness. Of Change. Of not knowing the cultural, regional laws, rules, expectations.

I am scared of adventure. Of leaving the safety of my home.

Of starting OVER.

Now do this pregnant, medically fragile, with four kids, one of them a baby, and one of them seriously emotionally challenged.

I thought I was going to have my mom with me to help me feel okay about this along the way. I thought that someone who wasn't staying would be able to hold my hand for a little while and ease the emotional strain, or at least, help me control it. But she's not going to be there now. For space issues, for financial issues, for work issues. I get it. It's okay. I'm a big girl.

Now I'm just a sobbing mess and I'm not sure I will not be a sobbing mess off and on for the next two weeks.

At least until it sinks in that I'm okay, that it's all okay. That this move is meant to be, the way it IS meant to be.

For now, I'm just going to lay here and stare at the wall for a little while.....probably until I fall asleep....because I'm so emotionally drained and exhausted from all the 'pack the crap you don't want the movers to pack and put it in the bathroom 'runaround'" that I can't function any more tonight.

Although, I do kinda want to eat again. I'm always so damn hungry. I hate this 'diabetic' crap. I want a foot long roast beef and provolone subway sandwich on wheat, with lettus, tomato, pickles, olives and cucumbers. With oil and vinegar.

And some god damned cheesecake.

Take your medication and SHOVE.IT.

I called my OB/GYN's office this morning and talked to the nurse. My doctor is out today and won't be back until Monday morning. The doctor she talked to wants me to keep taking the medication. He said that I'm JUST starting my second trimester, I'm still going to be having a lot of nausea and vomiting issues, and I'm GOING to be tired and stressed out. She also said OBVIOUSLY nobody can MAKE me take the medication, and if I choose NOT to, to just REALLY stick to the diet, make sure I'm getting my snacks in and watch my sugars really closely.

Let me tell you something MR. DOCTOR WHOEVER YOU ARE. I've had Hyperemisis for three whole pregnancies and was hospitalized at least once for EVERY one of my four previously completed pregnancies. I KNOW what strictly having nausea and vomiting FEELS LIKE. I also know what TIRED is. This is pregnancy number six, I KNOW what tired is. Asshole. I also know what STRESSED is. Asshole. And I'm not STRESSED about packing and moving stuff because I don't have to lift a FINGER. Sure, I'm moderately stressed about moving some place new and having to do a bunch of shit like find new providers on a time schedule, but that comes with part of moving. I moved during my last pregnancy and was fine. ALSO, How do you explain the fact that I ONLY had these symptoms while on the medication, but they suddenly VANISHED as soon as I stopped taking the medication? Mr. Doctor who knows EVERYTHING, when was the last time YOU were pregnant? And have you been pregnant five or six times already? NO. IDIOT.

Anyway, the nurse is going to keep my message for Monday when MY doctor comes back, but I'm pretty sure MY doctor is going to say the same thing. And frankly, I don't give a fucking SHIT what she has to say. I cannot take the medication because I cannot FUNCTION on it. I might as well be in a vegetative state on this medication.

Vegetables cannot drive to Texas. Damn it.

I hate this medication.

I HATE this medication. Like to the extent that I want to go see the doctor and scream profanities in her face right now, but don't have the energy to.

I'm on Glyburide 2.5mg

The first night, I didn't sleep at all. I had to GAG down a peanut butter sandwich, because I have to have the protein before I go to sleep and that was what she recommended. I was up and down ALL night, freaking out that my blood sugar was going to drop too low and I really was going to DIE IN MY SLEEP. When it was time to wake up, not only did I NOT want to get out of bed, but I seriously STRUGGLED to do so. I was a zombie through the rest of the day, and fell asleep some time around 2:30 in the afternoon and slept till almost 7. Thankfully Dan was up by that time and someone was around to take care of the baby.

Night two wasn't quite as bad, but almost. I almost hurled in the middle of trying to force the PB sandwich down, and again at the end, even though I was attempting to wash the nastiness down with milk. Again, I struggled to get out of bed. I felt sluggish and tired and just yucky in general. But there is no other reason for it, except the med. I'd slept from 11 the night before, to 7:30. (8 1/2 hours)

I didn't get dressed until it was almost time to leave and take the baby to get his last couple of shots before we leave for Texas. From there, we ran back to the apartment so I could get some things, and believe me, climbing the stairs was the most energy draining thing I have ever done. I wanted to collapse and sleep by the time I got to the front door and we are talking two half-flights. So it's only ONE flight of stairs in all. We went and saw the ATTORNEY (which is a blog in and of itself later) and came home around 2:30, only for me to fall asleep again until 6. (3 1/2 more hours)

We ran to Winco, because in the middle of my crappiness, I'd forgotten to go to the grocery store for baby food. I got some Almond Butter. Some sunflower seeds, some mixed nuts, and some edemame. And let me tell you, ALL of it tastes like CRAP. I had to gag the shit down for a THIRD night in a row. I would rather DIE than ever see a creamy nut or eat some kind crap that tastes like DIRT again. Nastiness, the lot of it.

After I ate a little dinner, I set my alarm to do my blood sugar test like I always do, and managed to fall back to sleep almost immediately (for another two hours. 8-10pm) Then I got up, was up LESS than an hour and right back to sleep again, until 8am this morning. (9 more hours)

It's the same deal again this morning. The only reason I got dressed was because the babydaddy insisted that he had an appointment today for pre-op surgery and I convinced him he was an IDIOT to do the surgery before we leave for Texas in SEVEN DAYS because the soonest they would probably get him in, would probably be AFTER we leave. I had some Kashi cereal and sat on the couch for a while, slumping over further and further the longer I sat there, until finally I had to pry my dead ass off the couch and staggered to bed again. It's 10am and I am in BED because I have zero energy or life left in me. My fingers aren't working right, my eyes aren't working right, I feel like I'm going to HURL and if I just lay here for five minutes, I'll probably fall asleep.

I DON'T WANT TO SEELP!!!!

I have CRAP to DO! I am supposed to be getting this house ready for the movers and I cannot even FUNCTION RIGHT NOW. And I should mention that I am swelling ever so slightly. We got my ring sized a half a size larger than I would need it because we knew by the end of my pregnancy that I was going to need that half a size for swelling room. I AM ALREADY USING IT. There is an indentation in my finger from the ring!!!

I hate this. I HATE IT. I don't like being sick. I certainly don't like being sick for NO REASON. And even MORESO, I don't like being sick when I can just STOP TAKING THE MEDICATION AND FEEL BETTER. I want to break shit and punch people and I don't even have the energy. I will surely spend the next six months, in bed, crying my god forsaken EYES OUT.

I can't DO anything. I probably should not be driving when I feel like this. I hate feeling helpless. It doesn't suit me well for as independent as I am. And I want to puke. This pregnancy is going to go down in history, not only as my LAST, but as my WORST.

IT BETTER BE A GIRL. That's all I gotta say.