27 weeks 1 day

Great news, the increase on my blood pressure medicine must be working. I'm only really having a headache first thing when I wake up in the morning. Also, no more face or lip swelling since the increase! WOOHOO! I can't check my BP, because insurance won't cover a cuff and I can't buy a new one yet, but I took my BP in the grocery store today and it was 119/78, which is GREAT!!

I completed my 24 hour urine collection and the rest of my blood tests this morning, but I'm pretty sure my urine will be clean, because I bought some keytone strips and have been testing my urine at home LOL

I need to call and talk to the nurse about upping my insulin at night time again, from 12 to 14 units. My fasting levels are starting to creep up again, and have been for four days running. I see that there is an every three weeks pattern going on LOL

Saturday I get to go and spend the entire day at my OB's office doing some seven hour long prenatal workshop so I can earn a voucher for a free carseat. I'm not super excited about this. I've given birth four times already. Things haven't changed since the last time other than the fact that I'm high risk and get more attention this time. Whatever. Beggers can't be choosers. I'm not getting a shower and I'm pretty sure baby won't get any gifts either, so at least we will get something we are going to NEED purchased, or at least at a discounted rate.

I made about two hours worth of phone calls today. Apparently here in the great state of Texas, everything really is bigger, including foreskin....because insurance here covers circumcisons. The last baby was covered under his daddy on Tricare, which surprised me. My oldest two boys had to be paid for in cash. Good times.

Other than that, things are going okay.

I am entering panic mode about my delivery. I'm alone here in TX, with no one, other than my partner for support. That kind of puts us in a sticky situation as far as my delivery goes. Either we find some stranger to watch our four kids for 12-18 hours while I labor and give birth, or I do this all alone. I'm trying not to get hysterical over the prospect of giving birth alone. Or having a c-section alone. I'm trying not to think about the fact that I could go in to have an emergency c-section and DIE and not have the man I love, or ANYONE who loves me by my side. I'm trying to ignore the fact that shit like that happens to me. The stuff nobody thinks could ever happen, happens to me LOL. I don't want to have my baby alone. I don't want to share those moments with a strange nurse and a doctor that probably isn't even going to be my own because they are a revolving practice that rotates who is 'on call'. Mentally, it's a huge challenge for me right now to keep my head on straight. I wish I had close friends or family here. I wish I was home in Washington. I wish I was having a home birth and none of the hospital crap even mattered. I wish there was someone that could put their life on hold for a day and either be there with me, or take care of my kids....and there is just not. Anyone. I think that is the toughest pill that I have had to swallow yet. Far tougher than making the leap to move across the country, out of my home state, for the first time EVER.

Movers are coming....

Tomorrow morning the movers are coming.

They will be here between 8:30 and 9:30.

I am a ball of hormones. And tears.

Not just about strange people touching all my crap and being in my house and up in my shit. But about moving to Texas.

I'm not ready for this.

I'm not ready to leave my family and move half way across the country, 2500 miles.

I am, and I'm not.

I mean, I'm ready to start fresh. I'm ready for a new part of my life, OUR LIVES, to begin. I'm ready for sunshine and outside time.....summer for 9 months out of the year instead of rain. Because you know, for the other three months, instead of snow, it's just too hot to function. Thank god for Central Air. I am ready to leave the yucky past behind. 2500 miles behind, and never hear of it again.

I'm not ready for change. I don't handle change well. I'm not ready to change doctors. I'm not ready for the kids to change schools. I'm not ready to not be able to go to Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties. I'm not ready to not be able to go have lunch with one of my friends that is so awesome she is better than a sister. I'm not ready to not have the prospect of having coffee with a friend. I'm not ready to not be able to call my mom up and say "I have an emergency, I need you to watch the baby/kids".

I am scared. Of newness. Of Change. Of not knowing the cultural, regional laws, rules, expectations.

I am scared of adventure. Of leaving the safety of my home.

Of starting OVER.

Now do this pregnant, medically fragile, with four kids, one of them a baby, and one of them seriously emotionally challenged.

I thought I was going to have my mom with me to help me feel okay about this along the way. I thought that someone who wasn't staying would be able to hold my hand for a little while and ease the emotional strain, or at least, help me control it. But she's not going to be there now. For space issues, for financial issues, for work issues. I get it. It's okay. I'm a big girl.

Now I'm just a sobbing mess and I'm not sure I will not be a sobbing mess off and on for the next two weeks.

At least until it sinks in that I'm okay, that it's all okay. That this move is meant to be, the way it IS meant to be.

For now, I'm just going to lay here and stare at the wall for a little while.....probably until I fall asleep....because I'm so emotionally drained and exhausted from all the 'pack the crap you don't want the movers to pack and put it in the bathroom 'runaround'" that I can't function any more tonight.

Although, I do kinda want to eat again. I'm always so damn hungry. I hate this 'diabetic' crap. I want a foot long roast beef and provolone subway sandwich on wheat, with lettus, tomato, pickles, olives and cucumbers. With oil and vinegar.

And some god damned cheesecake.

Down the Medication Road

I had an OB appointment today. Today's appointment was supposed to be my last in Washington State before we move to Texas. Unfortunately, things are not going to happen that way because of my being High Risk.

Starting tonight, I have to begin taking a medication that will lower my blood sugar at night time. I was also told that I HAVE to eat a late night snack before I go to bed. If I don't and my blood sugar drops too low due to the medication, I could die in my sleep.

Please. Tell this shit to a pregnant woman who is already hormonal.

I cried.

And I know that this medication isn't the end of things. Most women with pre-existing diabetes prior to pregnancy end up on insulin injections later in their pregnancy.

So it is only a matter of time.

I am devastated, and yet still in denial over even being diabetic at the same time.

Anyway, I am supposed to begin taking this medication tonight, and I am scheduled to see my OB again next Friday before we leave for Texas.

I was given STRICT orders to find an OB before we leave and schedule an appointment. IF I arrive in Texas without an OB, I will have maybe a week before I have to see someone and the best recommendation that she could give me was to go into the ER and have an exam and they would refer me to a High Risk OB that would be able to accept my insurance.

Obviously my nerves are shot. :-(

Also, I've lost a total of 34lbs to date.

Hormones with a side of Clingon

I am currently 11 weeks pregnant.

In 7 days, I begin my second trimester.

All I can think about that is "holy cow! where did it go?!" LOL

In four days we leave for Austin to pick out our new temporary home. I am a little excited, probably because I am looking forward to the break from my kids more than anything as I have NEVER been away from them longer than a single overnight and two full days. At the same time, I am 100% NOT ready for this trip. I am going to Wal-Mart tomorrow to stock up on some trial size soaps and such to pack in our luggage, but that is about ALL that I can do to prepare right now.

Anyway, the point of this blog was really for me to vent, because I am irritated right now.

Can I just say, it irritates the everlovingfuck out of me when I have to ASK for attention?!?!

I mean, SERIOUSLY?! I have to ASK for some snuggle and cuddle time. WTF is wrong with this picture??

I have never really been a super bitchy "leave me alone", "don't touch me", "get out of my face" pregnant woman. I have always bottled it up and blogged it out.

I'm also not in the "wahwah" stage of my pregnancy right now, where I cry at the drop of a hat, unless we are in the truck and something on the radio makes me jerk a tear, and then I try and hide it.

I don't ask for anyone to hold my hair when I puke. Nobody runs my bathwater. Nobody massages my swoolen feet and ankles.

There HAS been a midnight run for Claussens Kosher Dill Pickles. And Carb Smart Ice Cream. And a 10pm run for a smoothie, but, in my defense, he was going out anyway.....

I'm just saying, I'm not a real high maintenance pregnant chick at this point, and I really don't think that it's too much to ask for it to be OBVIOUS that I need some extra snuggle and cuddle time. I want everyone ELSE to leave me alone, but I want him to let me be a little clingy.

Yes, I am hormonal, but it's not blatantly obvious or outrageous yet. I got six more months, I'll catch up some!

GAH! I just feel like SOMEONE needs a reminder once in a while that MAYBE their partner needs some PHYSICAL contact with them once in a while that is totally not sexually related.

Honestly, I feel like an asshole when I have to actually say "hey, when the kids all go to bed, do you think maybe you could forget about the damn video games for an evening and just come in here and snuggle with me for a little while, maybe let me fall asleep in your arms or something?"

I mean, I shouldn't have to spell it out. I'm sorry I'm so damn CLINGY right now. That's just how I get.

I'm pretty sure most guys would take horny and clingy out of their pregnant partner over bitchy and sobbing any day though.