20 weeks 3 days

I've started the 20th week of my pregnancy.

My blood pressure is high, but we've attributed that to the fact that I am in some pretty severe pain right now. Several years ago, I had several falls with knee impact type injuries. I saw a public health doctor at the time, who didn't really explain things to me, but put me in knee braces for three weeks. I never went back to the doctor. My bad, I know. The injury never healed right and is occasionally aggravated (say, by climbing up and down three flights of stairs five times in one day) and then I pay for it. At this point in time, I'm barely getting around. Every movement is painful. I can't roll over in bed without being in pain right now. Yes, it's that bad that I'm spending most of my time in bed anymore, and I have been going like this for more than two weeks. The problem is, is that I can't consistently stay off of my feet. There are four kids in my house and someone has to take care of them, including jumping up and down to get after a toddler every two to five minutes. Since I don't have insurance at this point in time, I'm really just struggling through it. Due to the fact that I'm pregnant, I can really only take Tylenol for the pain, and we all KNOW that stuff doesn't work when a person is at the level of pain that I am at now. Without seeing the doctor, we can't pinpoint EXACTLY what my problem is, which means it can't be solved. Right now, we are ALL in medical limbo though. My daughter needs to have her braces maintained, or removed, and needed to have it done about three weeks ago. One of my sons is supposed to be medicated for his ADHD and other issues, and ran out of medication three days ago. Apparently two of the kids need MORE immunizations for school because Texas has different immunization requirements than Washington does, so they might not be able to go to school soon. It's scary, and really difficult, to be a family, with children, especially children with medical or dental needs, and not have medical.

Anyway, back to me, and my pregnancy. I saw my new Perinatologiest yesterday. He is young. 35 years old. And has the most insanely beautiful blue eyes a girl has ever seen! We had a lengthy discussion about my diabetes. He feels, that it's highly probable that I am NOT diabetic. That I have something called "insulin resistance'. However, because I am pregnant, we have to treat me like I have gestational diabetes anyway. About three months after I have the baby, I will have to do another one hour glucose test and we will re-evaluate whether or not I am ACTUALLY diabetic.

I lost five more pounds in the last two weeks. That brings my total weight loss to 43lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight and puts me at 311lbs. Given my weight, he's still not concerned about the weight loss, but he WOULD like me to stop losing weight. Something that is really beyond my control right now. Given the fact that I can barely WALK right now, it's not like I'm exercising either. When you cut sugars and carbohydrates almost completely out of your diet though, you have to expect that to have some impact on your weight. It's not like I can just eat a bunch of fatty foods to prevent me from losing weight. Those fatty foods are mostly carbohydrate, sugar based, foods. It is literally impossible for me to GAIN and still follow the diabetic diet.

I had an ultrasound yesterday too. The baby is measuring small. I was 20.2 and baby was measuring 18.4-18.6. I have NEVER had a baby measure small. My babies have all measured bigger than their dates in the past.I suppose that is why I am five MONTHS pregnant and I don't look pregnant at ALL. I literally look exactly the same as I did before I was pregnant. Baby's heart looks good, which is really good considering my diabetes issue. Heart conditions in the baby are one of the big things that happen in babies with mothers that have diabetes. Our baby having a normal heart is comforting.

We also found out that we are having another boy. We have not broke the news to the kids yet, but have managed to tell most of the important people in our lives.

Emotionally, I'm feeling really mixed about this fact. This is my fifth, and final, baby. I really just is not possible for me to do this again. Not financially, and not physically. I wanted to be able to give the man I love a little girl of his own. I wanted more vag in this house and less penis. I didn't get the opportunity to enjoy my daughter when she was a baby because of the, less than healthy, situation I was in, and my severe depression because of it all. I wanted the chance to do it again. I wanted ruffly panties and cute little dresses. I wanted hair bows and barrettes. I'm upset because we don't get those things. And I have run out of boys names.

I do know that the primary focus should be that this baby is healthy and that is the only thing that should matter, but I can't help feeling sad. I feel like I have failed my partner by failing to provide him with a daughter, daddy's little girl. I have failed all the kids, who have wanted a little sister. I feel that it's all somehow less important, less special, that we are having a baby now, because it's just another boy. And I feel like I fail this child by even giving a damn. Believe me, the failure is present.

On top of all this, I really miss my home. I didn't spend as much time with friends or family as I would have liked and now it's impossible to change that. I am missing people. I am missing cool air. I am missing open minded people. I am missing my religious comfort zone and am now forced into a position in which myself and my family have to hide everything we believe in. Our views and values are being challenged at every crossroad in this alien territory. It's taking a long time for things to settle into place the way that we need them to, and that isn't helping the way that I am feeling. The way that my partner and I are both feeling. I think he is feeling the worst, because he is watching me struggle and knows that there is nothing that he can do, aside from taking us HOME. He wants to admit defeat, rent a u-haul and get out of here. I want the dream. I want our house. But I want to be comfortable in my community and not forced to hide everything about myself. I want to be in a place where people mind their own business and don't shove their shit down your throat. I want to not be suffocated by the people I'm forced to live around. Maybe I'm asking for too much, but at what cost? More than anything, I just feel really ALONE here. Alone and unwelcome. I've never felt that way before, and it's really not a good feeling. Like you are an outsider and do not belong somewhere, and probably never will. For as many hopes as we've had for this place, it's pretty devistating.

Following up on the sister drama, she has made her choice, and made her bed. Her children were placed with the family member she LEAST wanted them to be with. She has 30 days worth of U/A's to complete, then they say that she will be eligible for an 'in-home dependency'. However, because of her actions, she no longer has a home to go home TO. I made the offer for her to come here, and she chose not to. I hope she can get her shit together, but I'm not going to hold my breath about it. Sad but true.

Anyway, that's all I'm going to say for now. I need to lay down for a while and just rest. My body, my mind and my heart.