32 weeks 6 days

It has been a really rough week. I'm not going to sugar coat it.

I'll start at the bottom and work my way up.

Our 20 month old little man was sick this week. He woke up screaming at midnight with a 102.6 fever. Then he puked all over the sofa. It's cream. His puke, was not. THAT was fun. He slept in our room for two nights and had such a momma cling on him that I couldn't even put him down. He has NEVER been like that. He's a daddy's boy. No idea what was wrong with him. Fever was almost gone in 24 hours and he's doing fine now. He's finding all sorts of new words and things to say, and he despises pancakes, but LOVES cake, and plums too.

Next kid up, my nearly 7 year old son. He has SERIOUS issues. (ADHD, Bipolar and now ODD have been the Dx so far) He finally got seen by a new psych here in Texas this week since our move. He's been un-medicaited since May. The pharmacy doesn't stock his new medication, so they have to order it. They still haven't called and it's been five days. We are going to do combination med-therapy on him, in addition to individual therapy for him. We are also going to be starting family therapy after the baby comes. We have had a really hard time functioning as a family unit, for a variety of reasons. It is unbelievably difficult to 'blend' a family, while having a crazy child and not losing your mind. Please, factor in my pregnancy hormones LOL Let's not even get into the fact that he has been stealing protein mix out of dad's container at night, and shit himself in the middle of the night this week and got poop all over the bathroom too. Or that he also wiped his shitty little fingers all over the bedroom walls, the sheets, the blankets, the pillows and the carpet in his room. Yeah, that was a FUN night.

It's my daughter's birthday today. She's 9 this year. She's been ill for the last two days. Her tummy hurts. She has diarrhea. She went to bed early, on her own, last night and she didn't eat her breakfast this morning. I'm going to put off buying her cake for a few days, until she's feeling better.

My oldest son had been sick for going on three weeks. I finally had a panic attack about this persistent cough he's had, and took him to the peds. I thought he might have whooping cough. He doesn't. He had walking pneumonia. He had to have a breathing treatment twice in the office. He was on meds, steroids and an inhaler for a week....then he had some chest x-rays which came back perfect. He's still using the inhaler. The ped thinks he might have combination asthma and allergies. If he's still using the inhaler in two weeks, I need to take him back in to see the ped. He seems fine now and the insane coughing has subsided.

The man has been ill for a few days now too. Upset tummy, cough, irritated throat, body aches....basically the whole 9 yards and a little of what everyone else in the house has had.

I've also been extremely sick. Last week my perinatologist gave me a zpack, like they put my son on for his walking pneumonia. I've had the exact same symptoms that he's had, so I was hopeful that meds would be the end of it. It wasn't. I couldn't breathe. At all. I dug through the closet, in full out panic, only to find two empty inhalers and one expired. That's how infrequently I have needed those babies. Ended up using the expired one and still didn't get better. I was coughing until I puked and nearly peed myself every time. The coughing caused some uterine irritability and I began having a lot of contractions. I had to go see a regular doctor through my OB's group practice. He said that I have something known as reactive airway disease. I've also got horrible allergies to whatever happens to be floating around here in Texas' air. And bronchitis. He gave me a steroid and some nasal spray. The steroid knocked me straight out after I took it, and then I pretty much had a panic attack the next day because I couldn't remember feeling baby move at all. (He's fine!)

My horrible cough still continues. Thursday the OB I saw, since my OB was booked, gave me a new inahler, some inhaled steroids, and told me to take claritin and Robitussin. That crap, combined, all seems like it's starting to work. Some. Texas officially hates me. I have to admit, I'm not really that fond of IT either.

I had another ultrasound at my OB appointment. Still no pictures. Baby is head down and facing my back, we literally couldn't even see his face. He's in perfect position for delivery though, which makes me happy. I also had my first NST. Everything is looking good on that end.

My blood sugars are CRAP right now. The steroids that I'm on are messing with the levels really bad and there's really nothing that I can do about it at this point. Hopefully when I come off the meds, things will go back to the way they were before I went on them. Otherwise the peri is going to have to put me on a fast acting insulin in addition to my overnight insulin.

Blood pressure and urine look good at my appointment on Thursday. Everything else seems okay. Baby has only gained about 3 ounces this week, which is slightly distressing to me, given the fact that at this point in pregnancy he should have gained at LEAST 8oz (half a pound a week). I have two more ultrasounds next week. One with the OB on Wednesday, and another with the Peri on Friday. He was 3lbs 10oz the last time I saw the Peri, so if he's growing the way he SHOULD be, he should be about 4lbs 10oz at next Friday's BPP. Obviously his growth, or lack there of, is still concerning me. Not that it is a big shocker or anything. I am still carrying REALLY small. I could still pass for five months pregnant at this point, easily. I could probably even still hide the fact that I'm even pregnant if I really wanted to.

Yesterday I had to take the kids to the orthodontist in Austin. It's a good thing that I had someone with me. They were WAY behind yesterday and I ended up sitting there about an hour longer than I'd expected. My blood sugar dropped very quickly and I didn't have anything to snack on (my bad!)and I didn't realize there was a problem until it was too late (I was at 51 before they even called me back to schedule appointments for next visits). By the time we got out of there, I almost couldn't walk. We managed to make it to Taco Bell where I got a Pepsi and something to eat, but it was already too late. After I ate, I basically blacked out I guess, and don't remember anything between about 11:30am and 3pm....when I woke up in my bed. No idea how we got home, no idea how I got up the stairs or in the bed, just that I was IN the bed. Kind of scary.

31 weeks 5 days

We had another appointment today, this time with the perinatologist. I cannot express how much I adore Sam. He really is a fantastic doctor and his bedside manner is wonderful.

So far, things are going pretty good. Blood pressure is within acceptable levels. No sugar or protein in my urine. He's not concerned about my blood sugars AT ALL. And didn't say a word about my cinnamon roll, or brownie notes. In fact, we laughed about it. "Back away from me, I am eating the damn brownie!!" LOL

I did have to toss out my old bottle of insulin and start using a new one. I think that has helped to lower my fasting numbers a little bit. The other bottle was more than a month old. I don't know if they 'go bad' but it seemed like my numbers were remaining elevated, but came down again as soon as I switched bottles, which is kind of weird, but maybe that's normal. I don't have anyone to ask, so I don't know.

The baby is doing GREAT. He's measuring 3lbs 10oz via ultrasound, which is the 29th percentile, which is totally acceptable and within baby's normal range for this pregnancy anyway. This puts him at approximately 6lbs 10oz at 38 weeks, which is what we are now aiming for at this point in the game.

I've booked the remainder of my appointments out for the pregnancy for the most part. I will be having an amniocentesis done at the end of August, two days before my 37 week mark, so that we can check baby's lung development.

Baring any further complications, we are aiming for that 38 week point. He said it was perfectly safe for us to go to that point, which is literally the only time that we have available to have this baby, without forcing me to be in labor ALONE. Being alone to have this baby is literally one of my biggest fears. Without someone to watch the other kids, that is what would happen. If we were able to take baby out at 37 weeks, and lung development wasn't an issue, we 'could' do that. However, because of my mother's previously arranged plans, she has a very narrow window of opportunity to be here for us, from out of state, to take care of the other kids so that I'm NOT alone during the labor and delivery. It's better for us to push the pregnancy another week, if we can, for lung development, and to assure my not delivering alone. Something that has caused an extreme amount of anxiety for me, not to mention countless tears.

So the plan, at this point, is to take baby out some time between Sept 6th and Sept 9th. We are keeping our fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly between now and then. Personally, I'm NOT worried about delivering early. I have yet to go into labor on my own, or have my water break on it's own either. My last pregnancy was the exception. My midwife stripped my membranes and then I started leaking, but wasn't aware of it until two days later, when they brought me in for the induction and she asked me if I'd been leaking and I told her I thought it was PEE!!!

We are not at all concerned about the baby getting 'TOO BIG' at that point in the pregnancy....even though mother's with diabetes or gestational diabetes run the risk of having babies in the 10lb range. Given baby's current size, there's just not a concern that he will get anywhere NEAR 9lbs, which, for me, would mean a c-section. There's just no other way around it. My pelvis literally cannot accommodate a baby of that size. 6 1/2 to 7 1/2lbs is perfectly do'able for us.

The ultrasound (BPP - Biophysical profile and NST - Non-Stress Test) went REALLY well. Baby was SO active that she had a hard time getting the readings for his heart and his cord because he kept moving and then it would blip off. She said they would have been much more concerned if he was moving LESS! He is going to be a busy little guy, that's for sure.

Here's a couple of 3D pictures. He looks just like Matty, that's for sure. I can't wait to kiss those little cheekies.

31 weeks 4 days

Yesterday was a long day from the word go!

I had my second appointment with my OB scheduled for 11:10. They got me back in the room and I waited more than an HOUR for her to come in. I usually don't tolerate waiting well, but I did it because I 'get' the fact that she is an OB and delivers babies half her day in the hospital next door. And one day, she will be dropping everything to run down and deliver ME.

We went over my birth control issues again. I REALLY need to have a tubal ligation, however our hospital is owned by the catholic hospital and they are not allowed to do tubal ligations at this hospital. Without my being 110% positive in my desire to do the tubal, it's just something that we are not ready to do yet anyway. Also, with my being diabetic, the infection risk of having ANY type of implant or foreign object inside of my body is too great to make it a viable option. IUDs are out, the implant is out. The essure procedure is out, as is any clamping of my tubes with titanium, or silicone clamps or clips. Meaning when I DO have a tubal ligation, it has to be the old fashioned cut, tied in a knot and burned type of tubal, where no foreign objects are left in my body.

Due to my getting pregnant, consistently on the traditional hormonal birth control pills, I am not able to take them. I would literally just get pregnant again, even with my diligence of taking my pills on an alarm every single day. She refuses to do the DEPO shot on anyone who isn't a skinny 12-13 year old girl. I didn't get into it, I would really only have taken the DEPO shot as a LAST alternative. Due to allergies, latex, spermicides, foams and such are not something that I can use. I exceed the weight capacity on the patch.

That basically leaves me with three options. Abstinence. Which is NEVER going to happen in this lifetime, nor my virgin alter ego's lifetime. My partner getting a vasectomy....which goes back to the fact that we aren't 110% positive that we wouldn't change our minds later. And something called the NuvaRing. The NuvaRing is safe while breastfeeding, so the NuvaRing is it, and what I will be using post-partum.

After several other necessary discussions, including bruises and injuries that aren't healing, questions about who does the circumcisions and when, and some stuff about weaning off of my fasting insulin, and a few other things....I spent another 20 or so minutes making my appointments for the next six weeks, which include an NST, an ultrasound and an OB check at each visit. Then I literally had to RUN to my next appointment over at the hospital (at 12:45) so that I could make it in time. I didn't have a chance to eat lunch until almost 3pm, and was feeling seriously ill by that time because my sugars were so low. Anyway, I had my EKG and Echo cardiogram. According to the gal that did it, everything looked good, but we will still be waiting on a report from the radiologist.

Baby sounds good. Urine was fine, so no protein or sugar issues this week. Blood pressure was VERY good in the office too. My next appointment will be tomorrow, with the perinatologist in Austin.

30 weeks 3 days

I had another appointment with my perinatologist today.

Baby is doing GREAT. His weight on ultrasound was 3lbs 3oz, putting him in the 33rd percentile, which is up from the 26th percentile that he was two weeks ago. That news is such a relief!

He's moving lots, getting his practice breaths in, and his little bladder is full again too....thus all the hiccups I've been feeling from him (including right this minute LOL)

Thankfully, with the help of http://spinningbabies.com/ I was able to get him turned around again. He's no longer in the breech position and is now head down. Hopefully he stays that way, because I'm really tired of standing on my head. And I pulled my butt muscle doing it. Let me tell you though, I'd rather pull my gluteus maximus 10 times over, than have to go through an c-section ANY day!!

The peri wants me to be seen twice weekly now. I'll be seeing him once, and Dr Holley, my OB, for the other visit.

Starting tonight I have to increase my insulin by two more units. Not a big deal considering I'm going to be at 16 units and some women are at around 200 units for the entire DAY.

My blood pressure is up, but it is not at such a concerning level that he feels the need to increase my meds yet. They are going to set me up with someone that comes out to the house a couple times a week to take my blood pressure so I can be monitored more closely. For now, I just have to deal with the headaches and the swelling again for a little while.

My weight still looks great, I actually lost two pounds since my last visit. This puts me at a 13 pound baby gain, but I'm still at a 29lb loss for the entire pregnancy. Literally, my physical profile from week 22 compared to week 29, hasn't even changed. I don't look any more pregnant now, than I did then.



Both doctors now agree that a 37 week induction is the game plan with me having diabetes, high blood pressure and a history of large babies, even at 39 weeks. This means that I now have LESS THAN SEVEN WEEKS before baby will be here. And I'm ready. I've got everything I need now. The diaper bag is stocked, the diaper caddy is ready. He's got enough clothes washed, dried, folded and put away to last him the first three months, then I will have to pull some more boxes out and probably buy a few more things. But I am ready. Clear down to q-tips, gauze and vasoline.

I started taking my Evening Primrose Oil (EPO) last night orally. Hopefully I will be all ready to go cervically when induction time comes. In LESS THAN SEVEN WEEKS.

I started (and finished) baby's first blanket and layette set this last week. It's a soft blue color that daddy picked out. I picked up some white the other day and I completed the sweater for set number two and just started on the blanket for it last night.



Oh, and for the record, NO we have not officially decided on his name yet. But we do have a couple of serious options on the table and just need to nail down exact one we are going to use.

29 weeks 4 days

I had another ultrasound last week. Baby was measuring 2lbs 3oz at 28 weeks 4 days. He was head down and everything looked good.

Today I had an ultrasound with my new OB. Baby is now breech transverse again. His rump is in my pelvis, his head is on my left side and he's playing with his toes. Hopefully he gets back to where he's supposed to be soon.

I'm going to be tested for Group B Strep at my 34 week appointment, since the baby has to come out early. GBS testing is usually done around 36 weeks.

She wrote on my chart that I was to have a 37 week induction.

She also wanted to see me next week, but since I see my Perinatologist next week, she's going to wait to see me again in two weeks because she doesn't want me having too many appointments in a week LOL Which means I will actually be having Biophysical Profiles (BPPs) and Non-Stress Tests (NSTs) Every week, starting NOW.

I really love her. She is an awesome doctor. Her nurses are wonderful. The ladies at the front desk are great. It's a real classy facility and I feel much more comfortable there than I did at the last office which was like "public health" and left MUCH to be desired.

The blood pressure headache is starting to return between pills, and I woke up this morning with swollen lips again. We will see how many more mornings I can make that happen. My Perinatologist might have to up my BP meds again. My fasting numbers are also on the rise again, so my insulin will probably also have to go up soon.

Other than that, Baby is looking good. He's gained a little weight (but that's questionable given the fact that it's not the same ultrasound machine), and I have gained NO weight. Which actually makes me happy LOL

Oh, Dr Holley has also referred me for my EKG and Echocardiogram which the OTHER doctor was SUPPOSED to do WEEKS ago. They have to hunt down an opthamologist for my eye exam though. And I was supposed to do some labs today, but somehow they got forgotten as I was the LAST patient there today LOL

Kidney Stones and My New OB 27w6d

The last several days have been exciting, to say the very least.

From day one, I knew that my new OB's office in TX was NOT going to be a good fit for me. That point was taken to heart and well proven over the last few days. Several other choices I have made as a patient were also supported.

All day Wednesday I was feeling 'off' so to speak. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I knew that something wasn't right.

Wednesday evening the man went to softball practice. I didn't go, because I just wasn't feeling that good. Even though the temperatures outside had dropped about 10 degrees, I just couldn't bring myself to go anywhere. I opted to stay home with the kids. I'd taken a lengthy nap that afternoon and he actually had to wake me up before he left. About 15 minutes after he left, I got up to use the bathroom and was peeing straight blood. I knew then that I was having a kidney stone issue or a severe kidney infection. I wasn't in pain, but I knew it was serious. I tried to call him on his cell phone, but he didn't answer. I called out to my OB's office then. It was 7:30, and already after business hours. The on call OB, Dr Phelps called me back and he advised me to go to labor and delivery.

I spent the next hour and a half, calling the man, attempting to get him on the phone to come home and take me to the hospital. Bare in mind, I'm not in pain at this point, but in serious panic. I go ahead and send the kids to bed, knowing that I'm going to have to drive myself to the hospital, 40 minutes away, once he gets home. I drink 24 ounces of water, hoping it will help with the cramping that has started now.

Shortly after 9pm, he calls me and asks me what is going on. He had 27 missed calls from me. His phone was on the charger in the truck. He came home and then he told me to call him and let him know what was going on as I was leaving. I said "whatever" and left. Yes, I was pissed. I'm pregnant. Your phone should be on you. What if my water broke in the two hours you were gone and I delivered the baby and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. WHAT THEN? IDIOT.

I reach the hospital around 10pm. They call labor and delivery and I wait for someone to come and get me. I get a gown on, I leave a urine sample. The nurse asks me if I'm having any pains. I tell her that I'm having mild contractions, but I'm okay at this point minus a cramping feeling in my right side. I inform her that I've had kidney stones twice before, that I'm 99% positive that THAT is what this is and that I need some pyridium and probably an antibiotic at this point. They hook me up to the monitor to watch baby. I have a couple of contractions and then everything stops. Baby looks fine. I go through the registration process which takes nearly two hours. The nurse checks my urine and says I have trace protein, and that I've maxed out the blood on her dipstick. It stops at 250. She apparently speaks to the doctor, and comes back and says they are discharging me.

The guy did NOTHING for me. No IV fluids to help flush the stone out. No ultrasound to confirm the presence of a stone. No meds to soothe my urinary tract to help with the pain. No NOTHING. I was told to call my provider in the morning so that she could give me an ultrasound to check on the stone.

What the fuck ever. I leave to go home, and arrive there around 1am.

By 2am I am thriving in pain. Literally screaming in agony it is so bad. The man wanted to take me back to the hospital and I refused to go again. He was FURIOUS at the doctor for doing NOTHING. The doctor didn't even come and SEE me, even though he was at the hospital.

Around 4am, after 3-25mg benadryl's I finally fall asleep. I get up at 7:30 with a continuing dull ache in my right side.

I call the OB's office and tell them that I was at Labor and Delivery the night before and that I have to be seen. That I have a kidney stone, that I need meds and an ultrasound.

She gives me a 10:10 appointment. I wake everyone in the house up, so that we can go. The man refuses to get up. I have sat with him for HOURS ON END, TIME AND TIME AGAIN at doctor's appointments and hospitals, and his back hurts so he doesn't want to go. I was LIVID. I took the my oldest son with me, because he had an appointment with the orthodontist at 1:30 in Austin and I didn't know if I would make it back in time to pick him up.

I arrive at the clinic and then we wait in the waiting room for at least 30 minutes, then back in the office another 40 minutes or so before my OB finally comes in. She doesn't understand why the on-call OB didn't at least give me fluids. She gives me pyridium to help with the pain in the urinary tract and tells me that there is really nothing they can do but wait for the stone to pass. I get it, I'm pregnant. At least she gave me the perscription for the pyridium. She SHOULD have done an ultrasound, but didn't. She sent my urine off to the lab to see if I needed antibiotics, and sent me on my way.

The rest of the day, I spend in and out of random bathrooms because any urine in my bladder AT ALL is irritating. I get my son to the orthodontist. I get back into town and stop at Walmart to pick up my perscription. I stop at the dental office to see about them pulling one of my son's teeth that needs to be pulled before the braces can go on. They want to see him at 9am the next morning. Then we go home. Through all of this, I'm still angry at the man for not being with me when I needed him to be. I get home, I'm still hruting, but whatever, life goes on.

About 8pm, I'm DYING. Puking because the pain is so intense. I was ready to cut my bladder out with a steak knife. I felt like I was stabbed in the back on my right side. I was having hard contractions and screaming and crying again. I got up, got dressed and literally could not even stand upright I was in so much pain. I screamed and cried all the way down three flights of stairs. I don't waste time calling the piece of shit OB this time. The man takes me straight to the local hospital, which is eight minutes away comes back home with the kids after the ER staff gets me in the back and he's sure they are going to take care of me. I scream and cry for another hour before they finish with the ultrasound on my entire urinary tract and the baby. They were digging the damn probe into my kidney and making me hurt even worse. They admit me shortly midnight and give me a huge dose of morphine.

Within 10 minutes of being upstairs in labor and delivery, the on-call OB for the hospital is in my room. We go through my history, my high risk status, my previous pregnancy. There is a stone, right above my bladder, on my right side. It is still in the tube and that is why it's hurting so bad. It's having a hard time getting into my bladder. She is completely shocked that they did NOTHING for me at the visit the night before, because the other hospital is supposed to be a really good one. She's sorry I'm in pain, but she's glad I came back, and to a different hospital.

The severe pain fades overnight. She sends me home around lunch time with shit ton of narcotics. Enough to kill an elephant. I'm supposed to watch for the stone, and come in if the pain gets worse, of if I start to develope an infection. Burning urination etc. So far, I'm clean for an infection, which is great news. Baby still looks good. No contractions since the pain meds and pyridium are taking care of the irritation being caused to baby and my uterus.

Dr. Holley, the on-call OB who saw me, is now MY OB. I called yesterday afternoon when we got home and canceled my oppointment with the other OB clinic and let them know that I would NOT be returning. That they were completely incompetent. That Dr Phelp's bedside manner was SHIT and that I could have DIED because of his stupid mistakes and failure to give me an ultrasound to investigate where my stone was at. Had I had a full out blockage, I could have gotten sepsis and DIED! All the while they said there was 'nothing we can do'. I was severely dehydrated and that is what was causing the contractions. I could have lost my baby because of THEM. That I would NEVER recommend their practice to ANYONE I knew.

I'm still in a fair amount of pain. Still waiting for the stone to pass. Today pretty much went with me getting up around 8am, yelling at one of the kids for some reason I couldn't remember later, taking another round of pain meds, sitting at the computer for 30 minutes before the med kicked in, then crawling back in bed and sleeping until 2pm. I haven't taken more meds yet, and the pain is ever present, but I would really like to get some sleep tonight, at a normal time.

Overall, I'm really happy that I have a new OB. She is fantastic. She met all the kids and the man. They all liked her too. No more driving 40 minutes away to see a public health style doctor who doesn't really give a shit about their patients. No more wasted gas. No more wasted time. And our new hospital is better than the other one. The nurses are just as nice and everyone will be a lot happier in the end.

I also get to continue seeing my perinatologist, because Dr Holley refers ALL of her high risk patients to him. He is THAT GOOD. :)

27 weeks 1 day

Great news, the increase on my blood pressure medicine must be working. I'm only really having a headache first thing when I wake up in the morning. Also, no more face or lip swelling since the increase! WOOHOO! I can't check my BP, because insurance won't cover a cuff and I can't buy a new one yet, but I took my BP in the grocery store today and it was 119/78, which is GREAT!!

I completed my 24 hour urine collection and the rest of my blood tests this morning, but I'm pretty sure my urine will be clean, because I bought some keytone strips and have been testing my urine at home LOL

I need to call and talk to the nurse about upping my insulin at night time again, from 12 to 14 units. My fasting levels are starting to creep up again, and have been for four days running. I see that there is an every three weeks pattern going on LOL

Saturday I get to go and spend the entire day at my OB's office doing some seven hour long prenatal workshop so I can earn a voucher for a free carseat. I'm not super excited about this. I've given birth four times already. Things haven't changed since the last time other than the fact that I'm high risk and get more attention this time. Whatever. Beggers can't be choosers. I'm not getting a shower and I'm pretty sure baby won't get any gifts either, so at least we will get something we are going to NEED purchased, or at least at a discounted rate.

I made about two hours worth of phone calls today. Apparently here in the great state of Texas, everything really is bigger, including foreskin....because insurance here covers circumcisons. The last baby was covered under his daddy on Tricare, which surprised me. My oldest two boys had to be paid for in cash. Good times.

Other than that, things are going okay.

I am entering panic mode about my delivery. I'm alone here in TX, with no one, other than my partner for support. That kind of puts us in a sticky situation as far as my delivery goes. Either we find some stranger to watch our four kids for 12-18 hours while I labor and give birth, or I do this all alone. I'm trying not to get hysterical over the prospect of giving birth alone. Or having a c-section alone. I'm trying not to think about the fact that I could go in to have an emergency c-section and DIE and not have the man I love, or ANYONE who loves me by my side. I'm trying to ignore the fact that shit like that happens to me. The stuff nobody thinks could ever happen, happens to me LOL. I don't want to have my baby alone. I don't want to share those moments with a strange nurse and a doctor that probably isn't even going to be my own because they are a revolving practice that rotates who is 'on call'. Mentally, it's a huge challenge for me right now to keep my head on straight. I wish I had close friends or family here. I wish I was home in Washington. I wish I was having a home birth and none of the hospital crap even mattered. I wish there was someone that could put their life on hold for a day and either be there with me, or take care of my kids....and there is just not. Anyone. I think that is the toughest pill that I have had to swallow yet. Far tougher than making the leap to move across the country, out of my home state, for the first time EVER.